Economic Working Paper Entitled ‘The Value of a Slender Spouse’ Is Exactly As Bad As You’d Think

In the year 2021, the National Bureau of Economic Research decided that, for some reason, it was both appropriate and necessary to provide a platform for a working paper that is literally entitled: “The Value of a Slender Spouse: Couples Agree that Keeping the Wife Svelte is more Valuable than Keeping the Husband Fit.” It’s hard to know where to begin with this title, but I can’t help but wonder how these authors managed to pluck their study topic directly from the mind of an early ‘00s sitcom creator!

Now I will not even pretend to have read this entire study, as I only have an hour to write this blog, and also I’m afraid if I start reading it I’ll actually lose brain cells—a belief that is further supported by just reading the abstract, which literally begins:

“According to the World Health Organization, obesity is one of the greatest public-health challenges of the 21st century. Body weight is also known to affect individuals’ self-esteem and interpersonal relationships, including romantic ones.”

….. So somehow the first two sentences of the abstract are even more wildly fatphobic than the title!

Oh, no. Did you stop fucking loving science? Is the WHO no longer the gold standard for health advice?

Let’s go, fat. Push-ups, right now!

(Article by Justice Namaste, which I hope is just her New Age stripper nom de pôle.)


How about the value of a slender wife now?

224-pound Russian woman reportedly killed husband with her buttocks

A 224-pound Russian woman faces some heavy-duty justice for sitting on her husband and strangling him to death with her massive buttocks during a boozy dispute, a report said.

Tatyana O. allegedly refused to let Aidar go even as he “begged forgiveness,” East2West News reported.

Aidar’s daughter saw him pinned face down on the bed and ran to seek help from neighbors in the Russian city Novokuznetsk, according to the news outlet, which cited evidence in the case.

A female neighbor who arrived reportedly decided the couple were in the midst of a domestic dispute and left.

Tatyana said she merely wanted to calm her hubby down after the couple had been drinking.

Aidar died from “asphyxia from blocking the respiratory system” as his face was wedged into the mattress, as Tatyana sat on his neck “using her legs so he could not lift it,” a medical examination found.

What a horrible way to go, smothered by your own economic failures.


Attention-Seeker Launches New Bid For Attention

Demi Lovato has finally stopped beefing with yogurt shops and is redirecting their energy to their personal and professional life. On the debut day of their new podcast, “4D with Demi Lovato,” the singer announced that they are non-binary in an Instagram post and as such would be changing their pronouns to they/them. Lovato, who has been allowing the public to see their journey with substance misuse and mental health nearly uncensored, told their audience that this “revelation” came as a result of “healing and self-reflecting work.” This announcement also included information about their new podcast, the first episode of which is dedicated to talking out this life update and exploring their feelings on the matter.

Lovato, who released Dancing with the Devil this year, a documentary that chronicled her substance use disorder and rehabilitation, wrote in the caption of her post that this podcast, specifically the first episode, was “another level of vulnerability.” It’s hard to fathom just how much more vulnerable Lovato can be considering they’ve been in the public eye for almost their entire life and have been subjected to the unwieldy scrutiny that comes with it. At this point in their life and career, Lovato certainly doesn’t owe anyone more than they’ve given and yet, they continue to offer up every facet of their life for fans and critics alike.

The comments will sound like an owl sanctuary, I’m sure.