Dear The Powers That Be,

I would appreciate it if you would run this by The Power That Rapes before publication. It’s intended to be complementary but I suppose Cryptids can be cryptic and I don’t want to get on TPTR’s bad side with the result of him getting into my backside. Thank you!


After the resounding thud[1][2] of my last article I thought I’d better up my game. I present a little ditty[3] composed in honor of my favorite[4] Glibertarians contributor: STEVE SMITH, Prominent forest lawyer.

Sung to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:

STEVE SMITH the Big-Dicked Sasquatch,
Has a very lengthy dick!
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it’s thick!

Try not to see STEVE SMITH though.
Avoid him like a shaven ape!
He has a way with hikers.
You could even call it rape!

When one balmy Summer’s Eve,
STEVE SMITH came to camp.
There the hikers took a fright (at)

Then all the hikers got some.
The bruising was so sad to see!
STEVE SMITH the Big-Dicked Sasquatch,
Please stay far away from me![5]


[1] The 7pm GST[6] slot is a tough one.[7]

[2] I belatedly realized that my last article didn’t have any footnotes. It seems the popularity of one of my articles is a direct function of the number of footnotes.[8]

[3] Clearly destined to become a campfire favorite.[9]

[4] After SP, of course.

[5] In the music video the last line goes:
(up tempo)
Please stay far away,
Please stay far away,
(down tempo and with increasing harmony)
Please Stay Far A-Way From Me!

[6] Glibs Standard Time

[7] All the comments are “When’s the Zoom start?” and “Who’s doing the Zoom?” Never mind the content prior to the comment area. Then the Zoom starts[10] and everyone goes away.

[8] Poll! Does this footnote make this article more interesting to you?

[9] But for some reason taught only to other people’s kids. Preferably ones too young to understand what it’s all about.

[10] May I suggest a joyful group activity for this evening’s Zoom?