We have this week off from football. The forecast is for somewhat warmer weather out my way. I’m starting to think about spring. I’m also starting to think about whether I’m going to fit into my shorts. My workouts are way off track and life has been crazy.

 

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Many of you have shared all sorts of good advice on losing weight. But where’s the fun in doing what works. So, let’s turn to the internet for failed diet plans.

 

1. Liquid Diets

Liquid weight loss diets have been around for several decades. They involve replacing all or a portion of your meals with a liquid meal or shake. Some liquid-based weight loss diets include:

The Cambridge Diet: The strictest option of this diet provides 440–550 calories as meal replacements for up to 12 weeks. The original plan was criticized for providing as few as 330 calories daily without being medically supervised. What could go wrong?

Protein-Sparing Modified Fast (PSMF): Under medical supervision, obese patients consume fewer than 800 calories daily for six months. I’ve watched My 600 Pound Life. That’s enough to keep me from ever needing a PSMF.

While people can and do lose weight quickly on very low-calorie liquid diets, weight regain is extremely common.

 

2. Carb Blocker Pills

Carb blockers or starch blockers are supplements claimed to promote easy weight loss. They contain extracts from beans that interfere with alpha-amylase, an enzyme that breaks down complex carbs into smaller sugar units that your body can absorb. If complex carbs aren’t broken down into sugar, their calories can’t be absorbed by your body. However, carb blockers can’t completely prevent the digestion and absorption of complex carbs. They only slow down the action of alpha-amylase.

 

3. Juices, Cleanses, and Detoxes

This hodgepodge of pseudoscience can work a number of ways:

    • Drink nothing but water for up to seven days
    • Consume only fresh fruit and vegetable juices
    • Drink specific liquid mixtures, such as lemonade sweetened with maple syrup and cayenne pepper
    • Consume only clear liquids while taking laxatives, enemas or herbs to “colon cleanse” (no kink shaming!)

Because they are so low in calories, these diets can produce quick weight loss. For instance, some detox plans claim you can lose up to 21 pounds in 21 days. However, the majority of the weight lost on these cleanses is likely water, especially during the first few days when weight loss is most rapid.

 

4. Crash or Fad Diets

Here are a few examples of popular crash or fad diets:

Cabbage Soup Diet: This diet promises weight loss of up to 10 pounds in 7 days. Each day you eat all you want of one or two types of food. You also consume a soup made from cabbage and other vegetables every day. Highly recommended if you want to rediscover your Irish roots or love flatulence.

Grapefruit Diet: This classic crash weight loss plan was created in the 1930s and based on grapefruit’s supposed fat-burning properties. In addition to grapefruit at every meal, you consume low-carb, high-protein foods like eggs and meat. Very sciency.

Five-Bite Diet: This approach involves eating anything you want, but it only allows you to take five bites per meal. It was created by Dr. Alwin Lewis, who promises weight loss of up to 15 pounds per week. You can see how well licensing doctors works.

 

5. Eating Only One Food

Known as monotrophic eating or “mono eating,” it involves eating as much as you want of one food for several days. Examples include eating only fruits, eggs, potatoes, or cookies. Like the other methods discussed, rapid short-term weight loss can occur with this strategy. This is mainly due to becoming so tired of eating only one food that your calorie intake automatically decreases. This diet is obviously unbalanced. You will never get the nutrition your body needs.

 

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The Olympics started this week. I hate the IOC (parasitic grifters) and the loathe the CCP (murderous, racist fascists). So, what would most offend Chairman Xi? A band fronted by a countertenor who looks like a transsexual Bette Midler singing about an idea bigger (greater?) than the Communist Party. This week’s music.