PUBLIC HEALTH EMERGENCY!!!1!: Biden administration declares Monkeypox a public health emergency. How dare you complain selfishly about rising grocery bills when there is an emergency, you kulak?
FORMER GOVERNOR OF PUERTO RICO ARRESTED: FBI arrests former Puerto Rico governor Wanda Vázquez Garced on bribery charges. Post-Publication Update: Her party affiliation appears complicated; Wikipedia lists her as New Progressive, but also says she was a Democrat before 2019 and a Republican thereafter.
FLORIDA MAN: Governor DeSantis teases “major announcement,” announces suspension of rebellious prosecutor. Nice trolling, Gov. And speaking of trolling, check out his pitch-perfect response to an invitation from The View to appear on the show.
FLORIDA WOMAN: Drives golf cart on I-95 with open bottle of Jack Daniels.
US CITIZEN SENTENCED FOR DRUG POSSESSION IN RUSSIA: This story is noteworthy only because the person in question is a sportsball entertainer. The bloviating about this by the White House and the US Dept of State about her innocence probably didn’t help things. Yes, she broke their laws and carried illegal drugs into a foreign country. THC is still a controlled substance under US federal law.
MARICOPA COUNTY DELAYS GOP PRIMARY RESULTS: Maricopa County has announced that election results could be released on Thursday night, after having previously said that the results would be out on Wednesday. Kari Lake narrowly leads lawyer Karrin Taylor Robson in the vote count after polls closed on Tuesday.
CRACKER BARREL KERFUFFLE: Some customers not happy about chain restaurant adding fake meat item to menu.
FUTURE GLIB: Pubescent person pwns prog pedagogue with pronouns – “rock, banana.”