“Do we even want to have a nuclear war?” Vlad asked Joe over the red emergency telephone.
“It might-might-might help me during midterms,” Joe said haltingly. Vlad could tell he was reading off of large-print notecards.
“Has not your son made enough money for you in the Ukraine yet?” Vlad asked in his elegant vampire accent.
“Well, now we’ve got the defense contractors with their hands out and with their hands out they will want us to put money in them, because that’s where money goes, you know, into their hands,” Kamala said. She gave a hideous nervous laugh.
“And the environmentalists think a few nukes going off will keep countries from building new nuclear plants for a couple of decades,” Anthony said.
“Secretary Blinken, is that you?” Vlad asked, laughing. “I thought you were not allowed in Oval Office.”
“It is, sir. I am me, I mean. Once they Scotgarded the entire room, I was allowed back in.”
“Joe, I must be honestly,” Vlad said, “This crowd of people talking for you is not filling my belly with confidence.”
“You want to go one-on-one?” Joe asked hotly. “Get on the ground! Let’s rassle!”
“We are having a phone conversation,” Vlad pointed out.
“Ya, ya, I gotcha, I gotcha,” Joe said. “No time for malarky, right?”
“Yes. No marlearchy.”
Joe put his hand over the receiver but Vlad could still hear them squabbling.
OFFICIAL KGB TRANSCRIPT
Kamala: He’s not going to kick me out of my office!
Anthony: I like it here. The bathroom is really nice. But I’ll leave if I have to.
Finnegan: Spineless. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
Kamala: He wasn’t a blood relative?
Joe: Now, now, now…
Finnegan: We can’t leave you alone on the phone with him.
Anthony: He’s some sort of wizard! What’s the Russian word for wizard?
Kamala: Fuck off, Tony.
Anthony: No, that’s not it.
Finnegan: Fuck. Off. Tony.
Anthony: Oh… OK, I get it.
[door closes]
Kamala: OK, now tell Vlad that we’ve all left.
Joe: But you are still here.
Finnegan: We are not going to really leave. So just make him think we left.
Kamala: We’ll stay here to advise you.
Joe: I’m the President. I can take care of this my-myself.
LINE GOES DEAD
Vlad handed the document back to the courier and waved the young woman away.
LOL at “elegant vampire accent”.
Pie is really Vlad?
Anthony: He’s some sort of wizard! What’s the Russian word for wizard?
Rasputin
Wait, you can’t spell Rasputin without Putin!
HOLY SHIT HE REALLY IS A WIZRD!!!
Magnificent.
*polite applause*
Perfect.
It’s Tonifukov
Vlad handed the document back to the courier and waved the young woman away.
That’s a perfect close.
Once they Scotgarded the entire room, I was allowed back in.
Que?
Is this some sort of, “At last I’m housebroken” reference?
I need clarification as well. Did he catch the COVIDs?
Even if this sprang entirely from SugarFree’s brain it’s still funny and scathing.
Tony sometimes gets a little too excited and has an accident.
He also occasionally pisses himself.
When Daddy gets home from work and picks up the leash to take him for a walkie?
Ugh. My mind was already in the gutter, but Anthony Blinken being in a petplay relationship…that was more than I was ready for.
No one tell Sheldon about the Director of Nuclear Waste Disposal.
He needs to know.
https://republicbroadcasting.org/news/warning-fierce-director-of-nuclear-waste/
That’s real?!?!??
I saw that before and thought it was a joke.
I mean, it is a joke, but not a funny one.
I knew that person was hired by Biden. I did not know what for.
There is a significant part of the kink community that is too busy taking selfies to actually fuck.
There is a significant part of the kink community that is too busy taking selfies to actually fuck.
Taking pictures of themselves is the closest thing to fucking that these narcissists ever get.
Narcissist is exactly the right word.
I’m pretty sure he’s the Biden staffer who also fronts for a BDSM shop. NTTAWWT, I suppose.
Quality snark right there.
A little too adroit for Kammy, though. “The fuck you lookin’ at, bitch?” seems to be about her level of witty repartee…
I see your point. However, if anybody understands when and how to use sex to her best advantage, it’s our Kammy. I figured it was a more subtle way for SF to show Kammy’s survival instinct. Or to get a head, if you will.
Yes, not smart-smart but she has a brilliant sort of low cunning.
Low, somewhere below the waistline.
Get a head? Or, get some head?
Heh.
Finnegan: Spineless. I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
Kamala: He wasn’t a blood relative?
Excellent.
I’ve been pronouncing out loud in my office for five minutes.
Russian cigarettes have the Marlearchy man, no?
And one day SF was disappeared and the rumor was the Secret Service and the Intel Community tortured him to make him reveal his surveillance technology.
He’ll know they’re coming, so if he disappears he’s probably just on the lam.
[throws down smoke bomb]
Pictured
“Do we even want to have a nuclear war?”
All those broken windows, nuclear winter, massive (white) population reduction… where’s the downside?
“It is, sir. I am me, I mean. Once they Scotgarded the entire room, I was allowed back in.”
Hahahahahahahaha!
Interesting presentation of men’s issues by Richard v. Reeves: https://youtu.be/F8Sl02UJS80
Though Gillespie doesn’t add much. I’m not done with it yet, but I think they’re missing an important racial component, based on what I’ve read. They almost got there when talking about math achievement…
Talking about race and achievement is verboten, unless in the context of lower scores for blacks being the result of white supremacy.
Moreso how the gaps between men and women within some minority communities are different from the gaps for whites.
Okay, they start an in depth discussion around 50:00 in. Very good.
Whip Inflation Now!
About 11,000 farm borrowers delinquent on direct or guaranteed loan payments for 60 days or longer are receiving automatic electronic payments to get them current on their loans. Each farmer with a direct loan received about $52,000 and those with guaranteed loans received about $172,000. The total cost for this group is nearly $600 million. Farmers who received this help will get a letter informing them that their payments have been made and they will remain current until their next annual payment is due in 2023, Vilsack said.
Another $200 million has been used to immediately help 2,100 farm borrowers after their loans had been foreclosed but who still owed money and had their tax refunds and other resources taken by the U.S. Treasury. The money will be used to pay the money these farmers owe to give them a fresh start, Vilsack said. The USDA said farmers in this category received an average of $101,000.
Another $571 million will be used help several additional groups including:
—7,000 farmers who during the COVID pandemic delayed loan payments to the end of their loans. This will cost $66 million.
—1,600 farmers that face bankruptcy or foreclosure will get help on a case-by-case basis with individual meetings to assess their problem and find solutions at a cost of $330 million.
—14,000 financially distressed farm borrowers facing cash flow problems who ask for help to avoid missing a loan payment will receive additional assistance. Vilsack said these issues could be brought on by drought or by low levels on the Mississippi River that is slowing barge traffic causing grain transportation issues. Up to $175 million will be available for this program.
What could possibly go wrong?
Those farmers won’t stay bought?
Debt jubilee for everyone!
Hey! Quit giving UCS shit about having a salad for breakfast. Salad is a perfectly acceptable breakfast.
I take it then I’m not the only one who has breakfast salads?
Seconders are already a pretty lowly group, but you are low even amongst them. If it wasn’t for MikeS, I’d probably have to label you the second of all seconders.
My breakfast salad is chef’s salad. The only NON-breakfast food in it is the lettuce.
Does a breakfast salad contain pancakes?
Not unless you’re bad at making pancakes and they come out of the pan as crutons.
Depends on how you define ‘salad’.
A swiss chard gratin is technically a salad, yes?
Actually, FOOD is a perfectly acceptable breakfast.
::awaits the inevitable “beer is a form of cereal” assertions::
It’s not?!
No, it is a form of bread.
↑
::eagerly awaits Mexi’s review of a microbrew made with butter and jam::
There are quite a few beers made with jam as an adjunct ingredient. Butter is a bit rarer, as it would cause head retention issues, and the flavor component diacetyl is already a flavor note in many beers (and a flaw in more)
This may sound like a stupid question, but is that what makes some beers taste like bazooka bubblegum to me? No craft beer bartender has so far been able to answer this question.
You should spit out your wad of Big League Chew before you take a sip.
Plisade:
Bubble gum off flavors are usually caused by the yeast strain selected and issues during fermentation. It’s generally considered a flaw if noticeable, with the exception of some Belgian beers were it can be part of the style.
Ah. Thank you, maestro. I will avoid the Belgians.
That’s kinda Brewing 101. I’m a little surprised no brewery bartender could explain it to you.
Not even a bartender with an Econ degree from BU!
The only form of bread.
Nah. Beer is made of grain, flowers, water, and yeast. It’s either soup or a salad.
Broth or consommé.
Do you have a newsletter?
Milk is in chocolate cake!
Dad is great! 🎵
Salad is not food. Salad is what food eats.
“I’m trying to impress people Lisa; you don’t win friends with salad”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfwgbMrffOE
Hey! You know what’s really wrong with the NHL?
Exactly. Too many goddamn white people.
Ok, why the fuck are they doing this? Who’s got their nuts in a vice? It sure as shit won’t make them more money.
A sport invented by white people of the arctic north has a lot of white people in it? Whodathunkit.
Is the NBA going to ensure increased representation of white players in their league?
The NFL ought to take a look into the fact that white people make up close to 70% of the population but only 25% of the players. There’s clearly a problem with racism among the NFL teams.
They should have a player exchange.
I look forward to the NBA doing a study on its player demographics that shows there are too many black people.
Kim Davis, NHL EVP of social impact, growth and legislative affairs, says seeing the numbers is a first step toward fixing the problem.
she’s still waiting for the numbers on male vs. female players, but it’s not looking good.
‘fixing the problem.’
Do you think she has a final solution?
I just wasted time finding out if she has ever been interested in hockey, and it turns out she is not.
I bet she’s interested in grifting for whichever outfit she’s fronting for.
THIS. She sees it as a chance to strike while the grifting iron is hot.
They could just have Justin Trudeau Night throughout the league where all the white players wear blackface. Problem solved.
Even if this sprang entirely from SugarFree’s brain it’s still funny and scathing.
Blinken is innately slimy.
He just oozes weakness. A terrible choice for somebody who needs to negotiate based on projection of strength.
Reason running another hit piece on DeSantis today:
I watched their video on it, which had an almost identical line. It was kind of lame, by the end they basically say, yes this is the same as anti discrimination laws, but it’s especially bad because the right is doing it now.
Advancing the cause of not electing libertarians one issue at a time.
Somebody needs to inform the federal Office of Disinformation (or whatever they are calling it now) that regulating the free exchange of ideas is a big threat to liberty and American values.
Yep. We already have “hostile workplace” regulations and laws, and they haven’t been struck down on first amendment grounds. In fact, some of the stuff disallowed by the Stop Woke law are in theory already covered by existing protections. But of course, in practice, they aren’t.
Odd that a libertarian-ish magazine wouldn’t want the State telling businesses what training they are allowed to require their employees to have.
1. Most of the training, with any clear and impartial reading of current law, would not be allowed in the first place.
2. Reason gets rather embarrassed when libertarians speak out against things like the Civil Rights Act still. Something about it being a distraction from the real issues and all.
3. A lot of that bill has nothing to do with private businesses.
4. When it comes to these mega corporations, it has already been made painfully clear that there is a very fuzzy line at best between where government begins and the private part starts. Some people have been pointing this out for years, and I think we’ve received more than a little confirmation of that of late when it comes to certain leaks to the public…especially relevant to the subject of free speech. Reason was, of course, shocked by this revelation. But hasn’t changed it’s stance on anything as a result.
1. Then those are bad laws as well
2. I don’t care. If someone is right on an issue I give them credit I don’t go looking for some time when they were wrong.
3. Yes the State can make rules for itself, I never said they couldn’t
4. Didn’t realize this only affected mega corporations, and further if government interfering with business is a problem get government out of business don’t just change how government is interfering.
Tony sometimes gets a little too excited and has an accident.
He should ask Hillary for incontinence product recommendations.
“elegant vampire accent” made me GLOL.
Thanks to Scranton Jose’s trade rule re: China, we’re in a hiring freeze. I can’t bring any new technicians in even for open positions to replace outgoing techs for which I was already interviewing.
FJB
And I have two contractor techs whose contracts will be expiring within the next two months who I will probably lose.
If they are contractors then those aren’t REAL jobs anyway! #WeAreEmployees #UnionizeNow #FuckKKKKapitilizm
Hey! Quit giving UCS shit about having a salad for breakfast. Salad is a perfectly acceptable breakfast
I will withhold judgement pending disclosure of dressing.
Depends on my mood. French or honey mustard if I’m not seriously low-carbing. Ranch if I am. (Yes, I know, I am going to jail without passing GO or collecting $200). I do not like vinegar-and-oil dressing, and I certainly don’t like Caesar salad dressing.
*shakes head*
There is no accounting for some people’s bad taste.
Also:
https://me.me/i/bewarethe-classic-caesar-ides-ofmarch-beware-the-ides-of-march-71ce1b5fb85a4d6885515f21a32c52ce
You gonna try Olivia Wilde’s famous honey-mustard dressing recipe?
I also don’t like V&O or Caesar dressings. *Awaits ostracization*
I wear clothes to eat food.
SOS.
TWEEEEEEE!
Kari Lake, a former local news anchor and current Republican nominee for governor in Arizona, insisted that “there’s no such thing as toxic masculinity” and that the term is a “bunch of BS” at an event called Black Voices for Kari Lake on Monday, The New Republic reported. At the event, hosted by former NFL player Jack Brewer and where“Power” by Kanye West reportedly played as Lake walked on stage, the candidate also made a number of racist dog whistles about Black families, absent fathers, and the necessity of “strong fathers” for “strong women.” (The comments notably echoed those of Georgia Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker, who as we all know isn’t exactly Father of the Year.)
It’s pretty funny to hear a Republican candidate in a state grappling with a near-total abortion ban deny the existence of toxic masculinity, while her party embraces candidates like Herschel Walker, who once held a gun to his wife’s head, and campaigns with incel king Jordan Peterson and platforms Andrew Tate. Just look around, ma’am!
Sometimes you’re the whistle, sometimes you’re the dog.
Why can’t Kari Lake just find a nice local branch of Whoopi’s book club and learn a little something about how the world really works?
Men are pigs.
The end.
Um.
Don’t harsh the narrative.
Wow! That’s really close to peak derp.
So much crazy crammed into such a short paragraph. I can picture her spittle-flecked screen and almost smell the despair.
I don’t know JP from Adam, but I have a sneaking suspicion he doesn’t actually believe the things being ascribed to him there.
Libel case…?
Kermit: Mmm-mmm. You know, it’s amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you’ve said has been right.
I gotta say, a fundraiser with Hitler’s car would at least be different.
“Glistening.”
So much more ominous.
Glinting, surely.
Apparently, Oz was speaking in a museum and his picture was taken with one of Hitler’s cars in the background.
Never change Jezebel, never change.
Only a Nazi would complain about a picture of a war trophy symbolizing the triumph over fascism.
That is so much crazy it’s hard to process.
It does seem to be the new hotness in “journalism” – overwhelm your readers with so much derp that it is impossible form a rational reply to all of it and remain within the attention span of normal people.
Fentanyl does that to writers.
If it’s one thing black men appreciate, it’s being lectured about how they’re toxic and they need to be more feminine and woke.
That’s the sort of balanced and objective reporting you can expect from a Jezebel writer.
#notthebee
I write about gender, power, and identity at the intersections of culture and politics. I’m currently a staff writer at Jezebel and have previously worked on staff at Salon’s culture desk.
I wondered what asylum she had escaped from.
Salon’s culture desk?
Scratch that. I see that I misread your question.
Carry on.
I wear clothes to eat food.
How bourgeois.
I am unable to even with my proggy friends who think 1) that Rs are going to strip their social security from them, 2) continue to raise prices, 3) impede all the “progress” Ds have made in social and economic matters. These women have GRANDCHILDREN and they are otherwise very smart.
I had to reeducate a proggy friend of mine who was on a rant about Rs restricting OTC birth control. I just couldn’t let that one go. I think I rocked her world when I showed her proof that the Ds were blocking it. And yet… She still believes the Ds have her back.
They haven’t learned ANYTHING from their OWN lived experience? Haven’t put the timelines together? Haven’t studied ANYTHING about what their pols do? I mean, it’s as difficult as realizing “My life is harder under Obama and Biden,” which is not difficult at all.
WTF.
“They only hurt me because they love me!”/prog woman
OMG that is SO TRUE!!!
Demographics are going to strip their
social securityPonzi scheme from them. Should have had more kids.My mom and dad are still 100% convinced the first thing Republicans will do is end social security. It’s hard to combat decades of brainwashing.
That’s the second thing. The first thing they’ll do is push Grandma off a cliff.
Did they report it on NPR? No? Then it didn’t happen.
^^ My mom
What’s she gonna do, admit she’s wrong and has been for years?
Never-never-never-never-never gonna happen
And that right there is the answer to so much of what goes wrong in the world.
Everybody is smart about something, and nobody is smart about everything.
I’d argue with you if I hadn’t accidently set myself on fire once.
Anybody who hasn’t accidentally set themselves on fire at least once, is probably a pretty boring person.
::recalls when Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson founded the Ignited Negro College Fund::
ALOL
Your head is a terrible thing to combust.
Nice.
Partisanship is about identity. Switching up your party is not unlike converting to a different religion. You can’t change a partisan with facts or reason; partisanship is about elevating identity above such things.
Remember all the whining about the salt limit in the trump tax act? Notice how they have done nothing about it since Biden was elected? Not even the easy stuff that the GOP couldnt oppose…like getting rid of marriage penalty and indexing to inflation.
The seconders have conspired against me since I was born, but one of their attacks has succeeded. They gave me the covid. The First That Shall Change Everything will survive.
Sorry Bro. Get well soon.
I got it the first day of vacation (not from Firsting – there is no break from that).
Let me be the First to say “get well soon.”
You were second!
And your reply was fecund!
If we gonna rap battle
You gonna need a back up!
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m a Great Firster. I’m always First.
Except…
Today.
MikeS’s wife haz a sad.
Bro will be the first to ever recover from Covid. Get well soon.
I certainly don’t like Caesar salad dressing.
*recoils in horror*
Since Cindy’s Kitchen raised their prices, I’m only shopping this brand.
Specifically the ranch and the french vinaigrette.
The poppyseed dressing is really good too. I like that brand.
Ooooh, that’s good stuff. I keep a bottle of Brianna’s ranch and a bag of baby carrots in the office fridge, for mid-afternoon snacks.
I mean, it’s as difficult as realizing “My life is harder under Obama and Biden,” which is not difficult at all.
“So tell me- is your life better today than it was in 2018?”
“They only hurt me because they love me!”/prog woman
You must earn their love. Strive to be better. Serve them well and graciously.
Someone give her the handbook. What do they call it, Handmaids Tale? Handmaids Tail?
Handful of Maiden Tail.
Hand up the Maiden’s Tail.
I wish Brandon would knock it off with the diagonally-striped blue and gold ties.
I really like that pattern.
Had anyone ever heard of Blinken before he became Sec State? I know he comes from a rich family who are allies with Soros, otherwise I never heard of this fuck-up. Like Biden, he seems to fuck up everything he touches.
What do you get if you put the VP, the Sec. of State, and the President in a row?
Winken, Blinken, and Nod
*golf clap*
Well it explains why he’s not acting in our interests.
accidently set myself on fire once.
Only once?
OK, fine. There was that incident in the bowling alley.
Karin Diversity Hire bringing the A game.
Unreal.
hahaha. Oh, Blackberry.
Karin Abdul Jabar avoiding the question the way Kareem avoided hustling down the court.
It gets worse.
FACEPALM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahrBOvz1jzA
Everything is on the table except offshore drilling permits, Keystone pipeline, ya know—stuff that would lower the price of gas.
Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!
Something tells me that if Reason was around before the civil war, they would be writing articles about how, even though they disagree with slavery and the fugitive slave act, state laws interfering with slave recovery are bad because they set a dangerous precedent for the principle of property rights.