MSNBC MELTDOWN: β€œOur Children will be Arrested and Conceivably Killed” if the GOP Wins Midterm Elections. Jonathan Turley gives a well-deserved smackdown to hysterical media giant.

UVALDE 911 CALL RELEASED: Students called 911 during the shooting. There are still people claiming that the cops didn’t know there were any kids still alive while the cops waited around.

MIDDLE CLASS LOSING WEALTH: Forbes magazine reports disturbing news, but we question how they decided that only 50% of American households are middle class.

DOTING GRANDPA TAKES G-DAUGHTER TO VOTE: Totally not-creepy-at-all tweet from Joe Biden.

MASSHOLES ban disposal of clothing, shoes, bedding. Is there nothing that these assholes don’t want to control and regulate?

WHAT THEY’RE REALLY AFRAID OF: WaPo frets that Rand Paul would probe COVID response if Republicans control senate. I’m linking to the tweet because the article is paywalled.

CLITORIS RESEARCH FINDING: The clitoris contains thousands more touch-detecting nerve fibers than once thought, say scientists after they finally managed to find the thing. Newlywed beauty pageant lesbians could not be reached for comment.

NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY: Orange Juice manufacturer Tropicana introduces OJ in a spray bottle to help you make the perfect mimosa. Yes, this is a dumb, and perhaps cringe idea, but it will get people talking about their product, much like the ridiculous Velveeta martini.

GLIBS EDIT FAERIES ON STRIKE: The rumors are true. The Edit Faeries have gone on strike. No more applause gifs for you people, until we get this resolved.