HERO TEEN KILLS HOME INVADERS: Sheriff Gonzalez said three masked men tried to force their way into a home, occupied by an adult woman and three minors, when one 17-year-old opened fire on the assailants. Two of the men reportedly were pronounced dead at the scene, and the third escaped in a dark-colored 4-door sedan.

“LATE EARLY” BALLOTS BLAMED FOR AZ ELECTION RESULT DELAY: The early ballots that came in on Election Day itself are known in some places as “late earlies,” the counting of which has been known to hold up tabulation. “They have to be signature checked, scanned first, then processed by a bipartisan board before they can be counted,” said former Maricopa County Recorder Helen Purcell.

SOTOMAYOR REFUSES STAY OF NYC EMPLOYEE VAX MANDATE: NYC employees filed an emergency application to Sotomayor requesting that SCOTUS temporarily stop the city from enforcing the vaccine mandate while the group challenges the city in the federal Second Circuit court of appeals.

CONGRESSCRITTER MAXINE WATERS WANTS MORE CRYPTO REGULATIONS, OVERSIGHT: Maxine Waters, chair of the United States House of Representatives Financial Services Committee, pushed for additional federal oversight of crypto trading platforms and consumer protection amid FTX facing liquidity issues.

BUSINESSES THREATEN TO LEAVE IF CITY DOESN’T FIX HOMELESS PROBLEM: City numbers show Long Beach’s unhoused population surged 62% since 2020 and overall property crime in Downtown is up 23% this year. In October, the city even temporarily closed the $48 million Billie Jean King Main Library due to security concerns.

CYNICS, THE REAL WINNER OF THE ELECTION: Cynics had another great Election Day on Tuesday… almost all the politicians who trampled the Constitution got re-elected. Take that, Stoics.

KFC APOLOGIZES AFTER KRISTALLNACHT PROMO: KFC has apologised after sending a promotional message to customers in Germany, urging them to commemorate Kristallnacht with cheesy chicken.

FCC WANTS NEW BUREAU, MORE MONEY, MORE SATELLITE REGULATIONS: “Having a bureau devoted to space[…] would go hand-in-hand with efforts to increase staffing and develop new regulations for space systems.” A lovely word salad worthy of VP Harris.