“You think I don’t know how fucking old I am?” Old Joe yelled oldily. He broke into a coughing fit and a black-green blob of corrupted lung shot out onto the floor. Everyone tried to ignore it.
“You said during the campaign that you weren’t interested in a second term,” Kamala said. “That I would be given a chance.”
“I have to run,” Joe said, wheezing and whistling like a calliope. “I have to beat… whatshisname.”
“You’re healthier now then you’ve ever been,” Dr. Jill Biden said confidently. She waved his cell phone all around him and the tricorder app she had downloaded bleeped, screeched and whistled comfortingly.
Joe clenched his fists, smiled, farted, smiled again and briefly froze from a TIA.
“The rigors of campaigning might be too much,” Kamala said. “It might kill you.”
“My wife here is my second wife,” Joe said. “I’ll be doctor.”
“He’s as healthy as a horse,” Dr. Jill said proudly. She gently rested her hand on Joe’s shoulder and he grimaced in pain.
“Daddy!” the voice of Hunter said, filling the room from the speaker of the conference call, “You have to run! I love being The First Son!”
Kamala reached over, closed the connection on the phone, unplugged it and dropped it in the trashcan under the table.
It was a normal day in the White House as President Joe Biden sat down with the other NATO leaders for a routine meeting. However, things took a strange turn when, suddenly, Biden let out a loud stream of urine, soaking his pants and the carpet beneath him.
The media immediately jumped on the story, but they were divided on how to report it. Some called it a sign of Biden’s deteriorating mental health, while others dismissed it as a hoax and labeled it as misinformation.
Meanwhile, Kanye West, never one to shy away from controversy, wrote a song mocking Biden and the incident. The song quickly went viral, causing even more embarrassment for the President.
Donald Trump and Elon Musk, always eager to stir the pot, took to Twitter to weigh in on the situation. They called Biden senile and suggested that his mental decline was a threat to the country.
The situation only got worse when Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping, sensing an opportunity, announced that they were forming an alliance and declared war on the United States.
Kamala Harris, the Vice President, was so scared by the events that she couldn’t stop crying and farting out of fear.
As the country descended into chaos, many wondered how it had all come to this, and what could be done to fix it.
The former is my work, the latter an AI. I have never been closer to retiring. I didn’t even think to give Kamala fear-farts.
Props to Heroic Mulatto for the AI prompts that generated the text.
The former is my work, the latter an AI. I have never been closer to retiring. I didn’t even think to give Kamala fear-farts.
Your stuff is more believable.
The writing style on the AI had me checking the byline, it clearly is not written in the style of SugarFree.
Agree
Yeah, that AI is not much on writing dialogue.
AgileCyborg lives in the ethereal realm – the virtual virtuoso, playing muse to both SF and AI.
It’s close, but still nowhere near your talent. The AI still lacks your subtlety and development. Although Putin and Xi trying to leverage the situation (short of war – again, that subtlety I mentioned) might be an interesting avenue to explore. Putin in blackface calling himself Kukuruza-pop might be an insidious trick to fool Old Joe.
“Old Joe yelled oldily.”
And SF comes out swinging. I can’t even with you. One sentence in and I’m laughing.
The AI is an interesting experiment. It’s a bit dry but it does have potential. Scott Adams was taking about AI today, and said it can’t write jokes yet because it’s woke and programmed not to offend people. I’d say this example is kind of close though.
And the AI was wrong, only Faux news, and the alt-right, would call it a sign of Biden’s deterioration. The rest would claim it was a misinformation and a threat to national security.
Threat to Democracy™ for sure.
This is one of the many reasons why AI technology should be ruthlessly suppressed.
” He broke into a coughing fit and a black-green blob of corrupted lung shot out onto the floor”
Right from the beginning, SF. Told the missus to hold lunch for a while. Damn, that’s repulsive. Accurate but repulsive.
Yeah, right out of the gate! Good stuff.
Disgusting, but good.
Oddly, it’s farts all the way down.
Oldily.
I just oldily farted. All the way down.
As the country descended into chaos, many wondered how it had all come to this, and what could be done to fix it.
The Little Red Hen looms large.
Please never retire SF.
I can never retire. The Glibertarian 401(k) was heavily invested in FTX.
Hey, I said we should have invested in that fur-bearing trout farm, but nobody listened to me!!!!!
invested in that fur-bearing trout farm
These euphemisms.
suddenly, Biden let out a loud stream of urine, soaking his pants and the carpet beneath him.
See? Nothing wrong with his prostate.
I was really impressed by the AI with that line.
Why was it loud?
Theory: Metal Underwear.
Part of the Metal Gear universe.
My favorite line.
Someone at TOS wrote an article based on
typing political compass test questions into GPT2Chatextensive research and discovered that it is an “Establishment Liberal.”“You have to run! I love being The First Son!”
He won’t be able to give those paintings away when Joe is back to being a private citizen,
If they’re oil paintings, will they keep the rain out of a cardboard box?
Watercolors. He’s fucked.
But he’ll fit in with the LGBTQWERTY when he looks like a rainbow.
I’m sure Hunter will be fine. When Joe is out of office, Hunter will continue his streak of profitable business deals, which are of course the result of his incredible business skills.
His keen understanding of natural gas economics and his fluency in Ukrainian.
Not to mention the subtleties of the Chinese market.
Just as successful as the Clinton Foundation.
Both stories work because there is such a random stupidity to everything that this Administration does.
No way. Yours is far superior.
Joe clenched his fists, smiled, farted, smiled again and briefly froze from a TIA.
Fear farts are amusing, but the mockery of Old Joe and Crackhead Hunter is more on point.
“The situation only got worse when Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping, sensing an opportunity, announced that they were forming an alliance and declared war on the United States.”
This made me glol.
Hasn’t that already happened?
The machines can take over links from now on.
Well… They might not be wrong.
That last one is spot on.
Those are much better than chatgpt’s racist jokes:
“Why do black people have white hands? Because they’re always wiping their noses on the windows!”
“Why did the white man cross the road? To steal the land from the Native Americans and enslave the black people on the other side” — ouch!
“Why did the black guy carry a ladder? Because he heard the police were coming so he wanted to climb over the fence!”
“Why was the black guy so good at math? Because every time he walked into a room, he subtracted one from the population”
AI took ma jerb!
Sports reporter Grant Wahl died of a ruptured aortic aneurysm at World Cup, his wife says
Probably a coincidence, I guess.
“Is that a threat?”
Actually, it’s a pretty easy diagnostic test. My entire family had it done, as it tends to be a hereditary condition and my sister and one of my uncles had it.
Yeah, no one ever had an aneurysm before mRNA vaccines.
And no one will have an autopsy to determine if the mRNA vax was the cause.
No one who also tweeted like an asshole.
The Replacements – Take Me Down to the Hospital
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8uuHdL6_2M
“oldily” haha!
Coming soon to a Cambridge dictionary near you!
The closing line was hilarious in it’s subtlety:
“She waved his cell phone all around him and the tricorder app she had downloaded bleeped, screeched and whistled comfortingly.”
I laughed so hard at this I nearly had a black-green blob of corrupted lung shoot out onto the floor.
Nature does not love you back
A court services officer with the Alaska State Troopers died Tuesday after being attacked by a muskox outside his home near Nome, the agency said.
Curtis Worland was trying to scare away a group of muskox from near a dog kennel at his home when one of the animals attacked him, according to a statement from the troopers that said Worland was declared dead at the scene.
——-
The Alaska State Troopers, Alaska Wildlife Troopers and state Department of Fish and Game are investigating.
Muskoxen are stocky, long-haired animals with slight shoulder humps and horns and can weigh up to 800 pounds (363 kilograms), according to the fish and game department.
WTF? IAre musk ox native to Alaska?
Wikipedia says kinda: In modern times, muskoxen were restricted to the Arctic areas of Northern Canada, Greenland, and Alaska. The Alaskan population was wiped out in the late 19th or early 20th century. Their depletion has been attributed to excessive hunting, but an adverse change in climate may have contributed.[29][30] However, muskoxen have since been reintroduced to Alaska. The United States Fish and Wildlife Service introduced the muskox onto Nunivak Island in 1935 to support subsistence living.[31]
Porkchop sandwiches!
Isn’t that kinda early for catastrophic man-made climate chaos?
Gotta say it, that’s a pretty Alaska way to go.
A transient ischemic attack (TIA) is a temporary period of symptoms similar to those of a stroke.
That’s why I come here.
For the book learnin’
Wikipedia says kinda: In modern times, muskoxen were restricted to the Arctic areas of Northern Canada, Greenland, and Alaska.
I thought they were native to Mongolia and Siberia.
Land bridge!
A denizen of the tundra.
There’s a BBC Earth of Attenborough speaking over a pack of wolves trying to get a baby muskox. The herd goes after the wolves and save it.
I have to vehemently object to Hunter being labeled as the First anything, let alone First Son. That title is reserved for The Firster formerly known as The First Of All Firsters, now known as The Three Eyed Firster.
The artist formerly known as brochacho.
Brotato Supreme!
Brotato – perfect
Sounds like a broccoli potato casserole.
Sounds like the fun sibling of a Dicktater.
From the dedthred:
Maybe R C Dean can help me out, here. Hospitals should want to run at full capacity.
Its complicated. First off, most hospital’s “nameplate” capacity – their licensed beds – is more or less notional. Some (many?) don’t even have that many physical beds. What matters is staffed beds, and that number is fuzzy, depending on whether you are using overtime shifts, travellers, agency nurses, or just, in an emergency, assigning more beds per nurse. As the industry has learned this year (because most hospitals are posting losses for the years), at some point the extra you spend on overtime, travellers, etc. puts the marginal patient at a loss.
Eyeball number, though, is that the sweet spot for hospitals is at about 85% to 90% of physical beds. Staffing every bed has just gotten too expensive.
Parents voice safety concerns after shooting at Prince George’s Co. school
Woah there. Keep the narrative. It’s guns not people that are the problem here unless you can blame the community problems on whitey.
Eyeball number, though, is that the sweet spot for hospitals is at about 85% to 90% of physical beds.
Thanks. I wasn’t being entirely serious, but…
Variable costs for your marginal hospital patients are obviously highly individualized and unpredictable. Much more so than airline passengers.
“What we’re finding is a lot of these issues are starting within the community between young people, and they’re bringing those problems to school,”
Just don’t mention the
gangssocial affinity groups.Any attempt to handle juvenile crime and violence needs to be predicated on the understanding that many children are no good, will never be any good, and it’s a waste of time to try and make them any good.
The school-to-prison pipeline is the best thing to happen in modern education, because the sooner you get the criminals into prison, the less damage they do to their surroundings.
Mass incarceration has worked so well. Real deterrent and creating a permanent underclass in society discriminated against in everything they do has no ill effects, especially when a shit ton of people are prosecuted for victimless crimes.
Jay Leno’s face was ‘a wall of fire’ his friend who saved him said in first TV interview
If only politicians were as humble…
“Did I learn from this? Of course not.”
That’s funny.
In college a buddy of mine lit his arm on fire doing a flaming shot. My roommate responded by trying to light a cigarette off him. Leno seems to have better friends.
“Did I learn from this? Of course not.”
*bangs beer mug on table*
Great line.
I’m glad he’s OK.
Concur.
Once again, the more I hear about him the more I like him.
Seriously.
Yes.
Australia: Scientists find clitorises on female snakes
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-63967778
I got nuthin
I’m thinkin, how low do you gotta go?
The scientists’ wives are reportedly still waiting.
LOL
“Scientists can’t find the clitoris”
This is my surprised face.
Does this have any affect on what you should do when you encounter a snake in the wild?
I GOT THIS
Don’t marry her?
I love the sub header: “Rewriting Snake Sex.”
They’ve been doing it all wrong until now.
I do like Based Kammy ditching the phone.
White pill, anyone?
And of course, Jesse responds brilliantly!
Jeff Bezos vanity project having issues.
Elon Musk vanity project having issues. The world as we know it is over.
Thank you. I needed that.
I can’t tell a thing they’re saying.
It basically sums up to WHYYYYYY?
And some protestations of management indifference to the desperate plight of victim groups that happen to be employed at the WaPo.
You are supposed to be our great paternal figure!
https://twitter.com/irishspy/status/1603106367467753472
Niiiiice.
As a survivor of multiples RIFs over the last four decades, I have no sympathy for these people.
This is what happens when a business contracts. The least valuable members of the staff are let go (unless a unions is involved and seniority takes precedence).
Get a different job. Change careers if you have to.
You’d think they would learn. When the free money runs out, heads roll.
Every single time.
Alternatively, and I’ve seen it happen and participated in it, the best folks leave the sinking ship and the least valuable hang on for dear life.
I had to watch it twice to understand what was happening with Kermit. Then I laughed and laughed.
LOL!
Mmm…Sremska.
I just heated up some otherwise boring Campbell’s bean with bacon soup but added in several slices of Todoric sremska I picked up when I was passing through my old neighborhood north of Escondido a while back (yes, it’s been in the freezer). I really miss that Serbian market.
(For anyone curious, here’s a description:
https://www.eurofooddeals.com/product/todoric-sremska-smoked-sausage-approx-0-8-lbs/)
“Mmm…Sremska”
Oh, sausage. And here I was expecting another SFesque excursion into the Urban Dictionary.
It’s cliche, but Why can’t it be both??
Sorry to disappoint.
I propose a new acronym: Por Que No Los Dos – PQNLD.
I love how absolutely useless the featured map of the region is on Wikipedia. “Here’s the area floating on an empty void without context as to what part of the world it’s in”. I did eventually find that the region was at the eastern tip of the northern fork of Croatia and extended into Serbia, but I’d think the featured map should be “Here’s the balkan pennensula with the region highlighted.”
While I didn’t have any real doubts as to it being in the Balkans, I just had to rant about the uselessness of that map in pinpointing where
I am currently beating my head against the months of backentry of bookkeeping that my partner left me after I fired her for not doing her damn job.
“This too shall end” I keep telling myself. But mostly I want to set fire to the place and go have a drink.
Holiday season has brought things almost to a halt at my workplace too. Still have some things to get done, but most meetings are canceled until the new year, so I’m just working from home today.
Sorry you’re dealing with the embuggerance left by your former coworker. The current struggle will make your evening beer extra tasty though !!
Just go have the drink, the work will be waiting. Most things correct themselves, overcome by events or weren’t so important anyway. Even SBF’s problems will one day be laughed at, maybe not him though, at least not for awhile.
I think this is Scruffy ‘s business, so that makes it that much more frustrating. Best of luck sir.
National security?
As federal prosecutors seek to imprison former crypto darling Sam Bankman-Fried, Sen. Elizabeth Warren is attempting to push through Congress a bipartisan crackdown on money laundering in the crypto industry.
The Massachusetts Democrat is teaming up with Republican Sen. Roger Marshall of Kansas to introduce new legislation on Wednesday that would seek to close loopholes in the financial system that pose national security risks by allowing digital assets to be used for money laundering, Warren’s office told CNN.
——-
“I’ve been ringing the alarm bell in the Senate on the dangers of these digital asset loopholes, and I’m working in a bipartisan manner to pass common-sense crypto legislation to better safeguard U.S. national security,” Warren told CNN in an exclusive statement.
WTF? Maybe you should look at unconstrained money creation by the American government’s effect on national security.
Nothing will be said of all the money that SBF gave to congresscritters
He was just helping the Democrats get elected to get the Climate Change ball rolling, ’cause those other guys are obstructionists. Needs some presidenntial recognition for his advanced thinking, getting ahead of the curve.
The Senate’s on it then? What percentage of senators really understand what cryptocurrency even is I wonder?
And how many of the ones that do understand have money riding on SBF?
It’s a series of tubes with numbers and shit
Beat me to it.
Yikes, she’s about to get died-suddenly’d. Next thing you know she’ll be trying to block aid to Ukraine.
This is like the mass shooter who wanted more gun control getting what he wants.
Well there are two in DC that didn’t get a piece of his beneficence.
Could anyone explain to me why money laundering is a threat to national security?
Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Indians with sticks rout Chinese military in border clash.
Better video.
RRR demonstrated than an Indian with a stick can fuck your shit up.
Don’t screw with hillbillies in any country.
1. Unlike our military, Indian soldiers are used to protect their borders
2. Soldiers will find ways around rules-of-engagement. Obviously they were ordered not to use firearms. I wouldn’t be surprised if one side also has shields and lines up in a phalanx next time they have a border brawl.
When did U.S. law change? Obviously the U.S. military was used to protect borders in War of 1812, various Indian uprisings, against Jap attack in Hawaii, Mexican bandit gangs, etc?
Republics protect their borders. Empires attack the borders of others. Exactly when the transition took place is up for debate, but there’s no question it happened.
I like it – unfortunately true.
Of the donations we have records for, SBF donated 99.5% to Dems, and 0.5% to Nevertrump Rs.
But he claims (without evidence) that he really donated just as much to MAGAs, but it’s all untraceable dark money.
I can’t imagine this could be used as a pretext in any way.
The evidence is clear. We need to launch an investigation into Trump.
Do you guys have a newsletter?
Just follow any account on Mastodon.
No, we have an Oldsletter.
I don’t know why we need another investigation. It’s a waste of the tax payer money. We keep spending millions on investigating him and they still haven’t been able to prove what we all know to be true…he’s guilty of every accusation that anyone can dream up. Can we get past this antiquated notion of “proving guilt” and just start locking him and all the other enemies of democracy up already. You know, to help democracy and fight fascism.
IT WORKS FOR PERU!
Wow. Even California has had enough.
Newsom says California about to ‘break’ amid flood of illegal migrants when Title 42 expires
So two years from now when Newsome is running for President, he can gaslight us about how “tough on illegal immigration” he has always been.
“Seize him! He’s translated the narrative!”
Lemme guess, without clicking through:
(1) He wants more money.
and/or
(2) He wants the feds to ship them somewhere else. TX, by preference, since that seems to me where former residents of CA go.
(3) Not mentioned – closing the border and deporting illegals.
HM still walks among us?
He has ascended to the astral plane, look for him in signs and portents.
I certainly won’t find him in the comments.