Joemala: Episode 97

by | Jan 18, 2023 | Joemala | 279 comments

 

“This is a good burger, ketchup,” Joe mumbled, food falling out of his mouth onto his tie, plate and some eventually to the floor.

“You want me to pass the ketchup? Or are you calling me Ketchup?” Kamala asked indignantly. “I’m not the house slave, you know. And there ain’t no ketchup.”

Joe rolled his eyes as she glared at him and then he took another bite. Red meat, they never let him have red meat.

“This should have an egg on it,” Joe said. “I love a burger with a nice fried egg on it.”

“Too expensive,” Kamala groused. “Bad optics. You could have a turkey egg.”

“I don’t want a turkey egg,” Joe said petulantly as the click-whirr of the press cameras nearly drowned out his voice.

“Then why are those two you pardoned at Thanksgiving still here, shitting all over the Lincoln bedroom?”

“Those are are are our guests, Michelle,” Joe said, visibly straining to open his eyes wide in shock.

“I AM NOT MICHELLE OBAMA!” Kamala screamed.

“Lid!” one said. “We’re calling a lid. No more reporting today. Karine will tell you what to think later!” There was a scuffled stampede as press aides herded the photographers out of the room.

“I just wanted some ketchup,” Joe said in his little boy voice.

“There is no ketchup. I banned it from the building when we took over.”

“No ketchup?”

He liked ketchup. You don’t want to be like Him, do you?”

Joe had no idea of whom she was speaking, but nodded his head anyway.

Karine came into the room, breathless, with a frown.

“What’s the matter, Michelle?” Joe asked her, more chunks of bread and meat falling from his mouth. He worried Finnegan would make him take a bath tonight.

“They found more documents,” she said.

“More? What the damn hell fuck, Joe?” Kamala demanded.

“What documents?” Joe asked, continuing to worry at his burger before someone thought to take it away.

“Classified documents!” Kamala said. “It’s all anyone has been talking about!”

“I haven’t read the paper today yet,” Joe said defensively. He hadn’t read a newspaper in three years.

“They were in your garage, with your fucking Corvette,” Kamala said.

“These new ones were in the house itself,” Karine said.

“Ah, fuck,” Kamala replied tiredly. “Where?”

“Hunter’s old bedroom,” Karine said.

“NOOOO! Don’t say his name!” Kamala screeched.

“Daddy!” Hunter said, as he crawled from a panel in the wainscotting.

 

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

SugarFree hates author bios.

279 Comments

  1. kinnath

    Catsup!

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s one of the government approved food groups.

  2. The Late P Brooks

    Karine will tell you what to think later!

    Press secty IdiotChild as thought leader. I like it.

    • WTF

      It’s really just breathtaking how monumentally bad she is at her job. Strawberry was loathsome, but she was at least a competent liar.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        👆 KJP is remarkably pathetically bad.

        They should have hired Abrams instead.

      • Old Man With Candy

        The female Michael Strahan?

      • Michael Malaise

        Strahan is the male Abrams, thankyouverymuch.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Strahan is Abrams.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Point of order: This is a poor comparison as Strahan actually won something.

      • Fourscore

        And smirked better, with authority

      • juris imprudent

        Flaunting her soul-less privilege.

      • wdalasio

        but she was at least a competent liar.

        Was she really a competent liar, though? i don’t know anybody who walked away from hearing her believing a word she had to say. My impression is that her skill was more at being the high school alpha mean girl so that nobody in the room would acknowledge that she was full of crap. Jean-Pierre is not as good at the job because she’s not as good at playing the bitch.

      • WTF

        Maybe “competent” isn’t the right word. Of course everyone knew they were obvious lies, but she was pretty good at selling it as though she might actually believe it. Karine just flounders and tries to misdirect and put off answering so poorly it’s almost laughable.

      • Tundra

        She was a bold liar.

      • SugarFree

        Strawberry said “I don’t know” when she meant “Fuck you.” Blackberry just honestly doesn’t know.

      • juris imprudent

        I thought her catchphrase was “I’ll circle back to that”.

      • Bobarian LMD

        It was a big fucking circle, since ain’t nothing come around it yet.

      • Drake

        Did anyone really think she was going to circle-back to a question?

      • Rat on a train

        circle back … circle back … old news

      • Lackadaisical

        Yeah, she just looks hyper competent by comparison.

        It’s easy to look good when the alternative is so bad.

      • hayeksplosives

        I miss Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

        In her honor, I will link to the fantastic “Bad Lip Reading” video of Sarah. It’s not far from the truth! She was brutal.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EsUNOIYyKg

      • Old Man With Candy

        That was indeed fantastic.

  3. Tundra

    “I haven’t read the paper today yet,” Joe said defensively. He hadn’t read a newspaper in three years.

    I believe this.

    • CPRM

      Nah, I’m betting they give him the funny pages, “It says here General Beatle Baily is handling Ukrainistan well. I was the guy that put him in charge, you know.”

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        LOL. Remember when the comics mocked the bureaucratic nature of the military?

  4. Sean

    Heh.

  5. Scruffyy Nerfherder

    “NOOOO! Don’t say his name!” Kamala screeched.

    “Daddy!” Hunter said, as he crawled from a panel in the wainscotting.

    *APPLAUSE*

    • Penguin

      Yeah, that was pitch-perfect. No gilding the lily by putting a crack pipe or Secret doc in his hand.

    • Gender Traitor

      “‘Joemala’ was taped before a live studio audience.”

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        GT gets it.

      • Bobarian LMD

        The laugh track really sells it.

      • Zwak says Your Husband is a Polar Bear, Skinny.

        Really? I thought it was one of those new-fangled cringe comedies.

    • rhywun

      “Beetlejuice!”

      • Gender Traitor

        NOOOOO!!! Not her “honor” the Wicked Witch of Chi-town! That’s too horrific even for SF! 😱

      • Lackadaisical

        ROFL

        “That’s too horrific even for SF! ”

        Don’t tempt him.

    • Not Adahn

      Yup.

  6. Ownbestenemy

    Michelle is my favorite character in this

    • Not Adahn

      +2 in this episode.

  7. juris imprudent

    He who must not be named! Very nice. That and the summoning upon saying Hunter.

    • SugarFree

      The Biden Admin does this childish thing of only referring to Trump as The Former Guy. It is so pathetic. But these are the people that thought repeating “binders full of women” was the height of Noël Cowardian wit.

      • WTF

        Ah, yes, I too remember when Squishy Mitt was worse than Hitler.

      • Bobarian LMD

        He is only as bad as McConnell.

        So, still worse than Hitler.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Obama routinely referred to Bush as “my predecessor.”

      • Nephilium

        If you name the devil, you give him power.

      • Penguin

        If a Republican wins in ’24, he (probably) should refer to Biden as “the old crackpot”.

      • Sean

        “Ole Gropey”

      • Rat on a train

        corrupt fool

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        The Old Horror.

      • rhywun

        Very Lovecraftian.

      • Animal

        I kind of like Kurt Schlichter’s “that desiccated old weirdo.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Hunter’s Dad”

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        “Navy’s Grandpappy”

  8. The Late P Brooks

    Where’s Finnegan? Out flipping the bird at Big Nanny with some gun-toting anarchocapitalist tax cheat, speeding and drinking beer in a loud Alfa Romeo convertible, I hope.

    • Tundra

      Yes. When she finally snaps it will be epic.

      • Ownbestenemy

        The men(women) in her path after so are going to have one hell of a ride

      • Bobarian LMD

        “Hunter Junior”

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      No, she’s not with me.

  9. Grumbletarian

    “I haven’t read the paper today yet,” Joe said defensively. He hadn’t read a newspaper in three years.

    To be fair, Joe probably remembers that’s how Barry got all his important information when he was president.

  10. Rat on a train

    No ketchup? Not even Heinz? Poor John Kerry.

  11. Michael Malaise

    I could actually almost vote for this Kamala.

    • Bobarian LMD

      WHEN HIM SAY VOTE FOR, HIM MEAN…

      • Michael Malaise

        A President who starts of the SotU with “What the damn hell fuck” could win my vote.

      • slumbrew
      • Compelled Speechless

        Ha! I already posted that exact clip further down the thread. I guess that settles it. Camacho is the new god-emperor of the glibs. Until STEVE SMITH stages a coup. And by coup……

      • slumbrew

        I think he already was our god-emperor.

        Our future, at any rate.

    • Ownbestenemy

      GHOSTBURGER
      american cheese, red onion, pickles, spooky sauce

      Where the spooky sauce comes from Mildly NSFW..its South Park

      • Michael Malaise

        A local pizza chain here used to have a sauce to put on the pizza (or dip) called Slut Sauce. Of course, after much strang und durm, they changed it to Unicorn Sauce.

    • juris imprudent

      long roll

      Kamala’s option I’m sure.

    • Not Adahn

      LA HAMBURGUESA
      queso oaxaca, peanut macha, smoked tomatillo, cilantro (P, N)

      Dafuq?

      • Ownbestenemy

        They are hipsters…they call ’em “Sandos.” Also, how very un-latinx

      • The Other Kevin

        Regular old Joe having a regular old hamburger just like the rest of the workin’ stiffs.

      • J. Frank Parnell

        It’s like breakfast tacos, but for lunch! /Dr. Jill

      • SugarFree

        Best I can tell, it is finely-powdered roast peanuts.

      • R.J.

        “Dehydrated peanut butter”

      • Nephilium

        That would be PB2, used fairly extensively in the brewing world to add peanut butter flavor to items.

      • R.J.

        I love how the company feels the need to say “plant based” when they sell roasted peanuts. As I get older the absurdity of unnecessary statements amuses me.

        “Toilet paper! You wipe your ass with it!”

      • R C Dean

        “Whycome I do that, when I have all these corncobs?”

      • mexican sharpshooter

        You wipe your ass with toilet paper? Get a load of Rockefeller over here!

  12. J. Frank Parnell

    “Daddy!” Hunter said, as he crawled from a panel in the wainscotting.

    Oh my god. Those poor sheep.

  13. Not Adahn

    *googles “were classified documents found in hunter’s old bedroom”*

    *has disappoint*

    • juris imprudent

      They weren’t really found here either.

    • Drake

      The Preatorian Guard has found a really effective new way to sabotage a sitting or former President who gets out of line.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Ghost burgers should be illegal.

    • SugarFree

      If it is ethically-sourced ghost meat, I don’t really care.

      • WTF

        Meat that’s given up the ghost naturally?

      • Nephilium

        If there’s no ghost pepper on it, it’s false advertising.

      • CPRM

        I tried Popeye’s ‘Ghost Pepper Wings’, I think Doritos are spicier. At least they tasted good.

      • Sean

        How’s that pepper blend working out for ya?

      • CPRM

        🔥🔥👍🌶🌶

      • Nephilium

        I tried the Arby’s challenge sandwich, and while it had some heat, it was moderate. Dave’s Hot Chicken recently came to Cleveland, and they required me a waver to get their hottest flavor (Reaper). It annoyed me, especially since they weren’t that hot.

      • Sean

        Lame.

      • Tundra

        Kick ass marketing, though.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        What Tundra said. It sold sammiches.

      • SugarFree

        Roadkill Burger is a different francise.

      • juris imprudent

        Very amused at the typo hanging between franchise and française.

      • Zwak says Your Husband is a Polar Bear, Skinny.

        Murder Burger was a chain down in L.A., but they were forced to change the name to Redrum Burger.

      • Lackadaisical

        *insert scene from Ghost here*

    • Fatty Bolger

      That’s just common sense burger control.

      • Compelled Speechless

        You jest as though that’s not being discussed in Davos as we speak.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Good point. Every time I see beef prices these days, that’s in the back of my mind.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Hambuggers are totally just like eating meat.

      • SugarFree

        “It’s all a sickly gray inside, baby.”

      • Compelled Speechless

        Remind me, was that originally Hilary or Pelosi that said that?

    • Not Adahn

      *rivets serial number plate onto hamburger*

  15. DEG

    Internal server errors again

  16. mexican sharpshooter

    Imam not so ashamed to admit I had to look up wainscoting.

      • Sean

        [polite applause]

      • Rat on a train

        educational television

    • juris imprudent

      Didn’t know we had a Muslim religious leader in our midst.

      • juris imprudent

        Mongol like Sharif Bart!

  17. Tundra

    Klaus Schwab: The Safe Villain

    Decent essay. Someone once said if you know their names, they aren’t in charge.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Moreover, the GAE’s agenda appears less outright evil than Schwab’s alleged schemes. The GAE doesn’t want to put you in a shoebox apartment and take away your meat. It does want to make your community more “diverse,” erase your cultural heritage, and make you pledge allegiance to George Floyd. For a lot of people, that doesn’t sound so bad. As long as they get their chicken wings and NFL, they’ll accept the GAE agenda. People are also more leery of appearing to be racist in their critiques against the modern world. It’s much safer to say you don’t want to live in a pod rather than admit you don’t want to live in a majority non-white country.

      Please. If that’s all we’re supposed to be terrified of, then I guess we’re OK.

      • R C Dean

        “If I wanted to live in a majority non-white country, I wouldn’t have been born in one.”

        Although, I have to admit I have said “If I wanted to live Mexico, I would just move there.”

  18. Tundra

    4D chess?

    This puzzles me.

    • R.J.

      I can never tell. Trump consistently gets these sluggards around him. Personally unless our new congress does something interesting, I may just go into a bunker full of bourbon next election. I couldn’t vote for either of those two.

    • Sean

      *shrug*

    • EvilSheldon

      Everyone is smart in some ways, and stupid in others.

      One of the ways that Trump is stupid, is that he believes that people are what they claim to be.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Maybe it wasn’t a Russian hooker who pissed on him…

      • Compelled Speechless

        It was a blindfolded & ball gagged Adam Schiff thinking he was doing it to his CCP mistress. Epstein had a good laugh setting that one up. You might even say…….his last laugh.

      • juris imprudent

        Or, he latches on to someone just because that person pisses off someone that Trump is pissed with – the classic example, John Fucking Bolton.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      Well…

      Bye..

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Lindsay helped push Trump’s judicial nominees through the Senate. He’s rewarding that and ignoring Lindsay’s many faults.

      • Compelled Speechless

        You didn’t qualify that with nearly enough uses of “many”.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Maybe he could hire John Bolton back too.

    • Gender Traitor

      As is Tal.

      The first time I saw them perform together, they seemed so tuned into each other musically that I assumed she was his daughter.

      • Tundra

        Yeah. And she was incredibly young when she started jamming with him.

        God smiled on that young lady.

    • Ownbestenemy

      So wouldn’t cisladies just claim they are non-binary if they want to bare their breast?

      • Sean

        That sounds about right.

    • Tundra

      I give up.

      Hurry up, SMOD!

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, they aren’t real boobs anyway.

      • R C Dean

        Fair point. I would laugh and laugh if that was the stated rationale:

        “Our policy has always been that we don’t allow exposed female breasts, but do allow exposed male chests. Men who identify as women don’t have, and will never have, female breasts, so knock yourselves out, guys. Show us your chests.”

      • Brochettaward

        It isn’t really clear who they are referring to, whether it’s all trans or just females transitioning to become slightly masculine females. And the “non-binary.” But these social media companies are opening up a can of worms they don’t want to get into by trying to determine someone’s gender or sex these days.

    • Brochettaward

      Paving the way for my Free The First campaign. That’s all.

      • Bobarian LMD

        That sounds as appetizing as seeing MtF breasts on Facebook.

    • Gender Traitor

      Facebook has in years past been accused of oversexualizing breasts.

      Unprecedented! 🙄

    • The Other Kevin

      I was always wary of putting my artwork online if there was nudity. Now I just have to specify the model was trans. Excellent.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        Totes normal

      • Brochettaward

        I remember Howard Stern in the 2000’s having some fully transitioned man on his show who talked about it being a bloody, gaping wound pretty much. Like, it was still bleeding and this was well after the surgery. That was when ol’Howie was using trans as part of his freak show collection the Whack Pack where as opposed to now he is telling men they are bigots if they don’t want to stick it in a trannie before he flies off to the Hamptons for his four day weekend.

  19. Ownbestenemy

    This meeting I am on is so bad. Instead of quick 10 minute individual meetings with the various sites on project status, they lump us all in so we can hear information that has nothing to do with us. Right now, San Jose is whining that no one cares about them and the project has been pushed to the right for over a year.

    • Michael Malaise

      “San Jose is whining that no one cares about them”

      They’re right.

      • R.J.

        F*ck San Jose right in their shitty 1970s stucco architecture.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Could be worse. Could be Oakland.

    • Drake

      I always distribute an agenda at least a day before the weekly project meetings. If the topics don’t pertain to you, skip it.

      • slumbrew

        A meeting invite without any sort of agenda is an auto-decline for me. My manage fully supports me in this.

  20. Lackadaisical

    ““Ah, fuck,” Kamala replied tiredly. “Where?”

    “Hunter’s old bedroom,” Karine said.”

    Is this part real? Makes the ‘rent’ payments make a lot more sense.

    • SugarFree

      No, just predicting.

    • Brochettaward

      Can’t be any worse than Outback.

      • rhywun

        Jeezus. These days you’d be lucky to get the “Irish Gem” for under 10 bucks.

      • R.J.

        Steak and lobster for $10.25. Even with a few beers you would come out cheaper than eating fast food.

      • Rat on a train

        Australian cuisine for people who will never know the difference.

    • R.J.

      My wife loved that place. I am looking forward to visiting it when it makes it back down south.

    • Not Adahn

      Oklahoma, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Missouri, and Kansas.

      …this means something.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        quick… grab the mashed potatoes

      • Raven Nation

        Steak’n’Ale in Nebraska; coals to Newcastle

    • Not Adahn

      I don’t think I ever ate at one. But someone taught me a good rule of thumb:

      “if it advertises on TV, it’s not a good restaurant.”

    • Sean

      Upon arrival, police found a Jersey City Officer suffering a bullet wound in his groin

      o.O

      • R C Dean

        Aside from trying to figure out

        (1) Why he was taking off his belt with the gun still holstered.

        (2) How a holstered gun goes off.

        I’m now pondering

        (3) How do you shoot yourself in the groin with a holstered gun.

      • R.J.

        Maybe he was fanny packin’.

      • Michael Malaise

        Does the article specify the gun as being holstered?

      • Sensei

        No, but most of the forces around here are G-17.

      • R C Dean

        No, but I would think that a gun is even less likely to fire if you have taken it out of the holster and it is resting comfortably on a table while you are taking your belt off.

        Of course, none of these scenarios make any sense. I’m guessing he shot himself while unholstering the gun. Those are usually leg or foot wounds, though, not groin wounds.

      • Not Adahn

        Was it a duty rig that could easily be taken off as a single unit? Maybe he was too lazy to deal with the retention holster?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Leaving it in most holsters should leave it safer than taking it out?

        This story sounds like typical “I did something stupid and now am trying to blame my equipment” story that most of these really are.

      • R C Dean

        Ding ding! Bobarian wins the prize!

        If I was his boss, I would ask him to recreate the accident, exactly as described.

        Leaving it in the holster also means leaving it in Condition 0 or 1 (depending on what kind of gun you have). Which may or may not be how you want it while not carrying it. Even if it is, having it in the holster is kind of an odd place for your “ready gun”.

      • Scruffyy Nerfherder

        It was a Plaxico holster.

    • Rat on a train

      Jersey City Cop Accidentally Shoots Himself in Elizabeth
      porn?

      • juris imprudent

        Honest baby – it’s the first time it’s ever gone off like that.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    The officer was reportedly removing his holster belt when gunfire from his service weapon rang out.

    top notch journalisming.

    • hayeksplosives

      Put THAT in your dick holster!

      /Pam Poovey

      • rhywun

        lol I can hear that in her voice.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Fans will be able to enjoy Steak and Ale again in the very near future—the first of its planned 15 locations will open this year in Burnsville, Minn. According to reports, the chain’s second coming will combine old-school fan-favorite elements with a few modern changes.

    Haven’t heard that name in a long long time. We used to go there sometimes when I was in high school.

  23. Rebel Scum

    How peculiar.

    Yes, the Greta Thunberg arrest was staged for the establishment media.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Now if we can only get her to agree to OMWC’s offer

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Why do you think she was smiling? Where do you think they were leading her?

      • SugarFree

        The Bang Bus?

      • Compelled Speechless

        Klaus’s bang bus. That would explain his scheduling conflict with the Davos meeting….and his priorities.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        It’s Germany, so it’s probably the Scheissepornautobus.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Isn’t she getting a little long in the tooth for that to happen?

      • juris imprudent

        Nearly a spinster.

  24. Sensei

    Suspect arrested after video of barista kidnapping attempt goes viral

    Last year, a man in Connecticut was arrested after getting caught on camera shouting profanities at employees of a smoothie store and using an anti-immigrant slur.

    Yeah, that’s totally related.

    Guy blows a gasket because staff there failed to listen to his request for no peanut products and wound up putting his kid in the hospital. (Not defending him here.) In this case some crazy appears to want to imprison / kidnap a person. Totes the same!

    • R.J.

      Oy. If your kid has allergies that bad you should more carefully choose where you eat. Not kidnap a barista. The poor barista probably did avoid visible peanuts. But the oil is everywhere – how would they know?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Wait they are the same guy? I thought it was two separate incidents and persons.

      • Sensei

        They are. And not comparable despite the WP attempt here.

      • Sensei

        They are not the same!

      • R C Dean

        Smoothies generally use peanut powder rather than peanuts or peanut butter. So it was probably powder.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Horrific


    Florida Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis called on state lawmakers to make permanent existing penalties for companies that require all employees get the Covid-19 vaccination, his latest move to curtail pandemic mitigation efforts.

    The proposal would extend indefinitely measures DeSantis signed in 2021 that made Florida the first state in the country to threaten businesses with fines if they required workers to get the Covid-19 vaccine. Those measures pitted DeSantis and Florida against the federal government over President Joe Biden’s efforts to get the country’s workforce inoculated – a standoff that helped boost the Republican governor’s popularity among conservatives.

    Now, as DeSantis considers running for president, he is reinstigating that battle.

    This time, DeSantis has encouraged skepticism of Covid-19 vaccines altogether, staking out a position far to the right of his top potential rival for the GOP nomination, former President Donald Trump, who continues to count the development of the vaccines as one of his administration’s chief accomplishments.

    “They were wrong about lockdowns,” DeSantis said Tuesday. “They were wrong about mask mandates. They were wrong about school closures. They were wrong about mRNA shots. They were wrong about vax passports and vaccine mandates.”

    And CNN continues to cling to the narrative, despite all evidence to the contrary.

    • The Other Kevin

      “staking out a position far to the right of his top potential rival for the GOP nomination, former President Donald Trump”

      And there it is. DeSantis is EVEN FARTHER RIGHT THAN LITERALLY HITLER!

      DeSantis is playing with fire. Think of how many lives will be in danger when the next once in a lifetime, totally naturally occurring pandemic virus shows up.

      • rhywun

        Pay no attention to the polls showing DeSantis beating Trump behind the curtain.

      • R C Dean

        Not in the library with a candlestick?

    • Rebel Scum

      pandemic mitigation efforts

      There is no pandemic.

      President Joe Biden’s efforts to get the country’s workforce inoculated

      It does not inoculate.

      • Ownbestenemy

        President Joe Biden’s efforts authoritarian decree to get the country’s workforce inoculated an experimental drug

  26. Sensei

    In other news – “water is wet”

    Revealed: more than 90% of rainforest carbon offsets by biggest provider are worthless, analysis shows

    The forest carbon offsets approved by the world’s leading provider and used by Disney, Shell, Gucci and other big corporations are largely worthless and could make global heating worse, according to a new investigation.

    The research into Verra, the world’s leading carbon standard for the rapidly growing $2bn (£1.6bn) voluntary offsets market, has found that, based on analysis of a significant percentage of the projects, more than 90% of their rainforest offset credits – among the most commonly used by companies – are likely to be “phantom credits” and do not represent genuine carbon reductions.

    The analysis raises questions over the credits bought by a number of internationally renowned companies – some of them have labelled their products “carbon neutral”, or have told their consumers they can fly, buy new clothes or eat certain foods without making the climate crisis worse.

    But doubts have been raised repeatedly over whether they are really effective.

    • Rat on a train

      Absolution is the only thing that matters.

      • juris imprudent

        But the Church granted me this indulgence!

    • Brochettaward

      But think about how pure their souls are after buying the indulgences. They’re definitely going to the good place when they die.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Yep. There’s an old episode of Penn & Teller’s bullshit that covered a lot of the same ground. Remember when Penn used to be awesome?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Trump broke a lot of things. Penn was one of them.

      • Fatty Bolger

        My county gave up pretending, pretty much all they take now is aluminum cans, steel cans, and paper. There’s one kind of plastic they will take, the kind they use for translucent gallon milk jugs. But that’s a tiny percentage of plastic trash.

    • hayeksplosives

      I don’t care if the cause of the day is saving the whales; the players shouldn’t be compelled to wear someone else’s pet “cause” colors.

      Play ball!/puck!

      • Rebel Scum

        That too.

      • kinnath

        Going to disagree here. You get paid to represent your employer.

        If you don’t like the boss’s priorities you can suck it up and do the job or you can quit.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Probably thinking “I should have really looked at my contract and the NHLPA rep…

      • Brochettaward

        Or, he can tell them to fuck-off and dare them to do something about it. He seemed to choose the latter option here, and it seemed to work out for him as he aint being cut.

      • kinnath

        Being indispensable has certain advantages.

        Most people would get fired.

      • Ted S.

        Should your boss compel you to engage in what is effectively political speech?

        And it’s unsurprising that the people feigning the most indignation about this are the people who thought Colin Kaepernick was virtuous for defying his employers to take a knee during the national anthem.

      • kinnath

        Should is not relevant. The question is Can your employer compel you to support the employer’s political speech. As far as I know, that is legal.

        So do it or don’t do it. Be prepared to get fired if you don’t.

      • R C Dean

        “You get paid to represent your employer.”

        Only if representing your employer is (part of) your job. And even then, only within the scope of that job. Our janitorial staff, for example, is not paid to represent the hospital. Our communications staff is, as are at least some c-suiters. It gets a little fuzzy around the edges, but promoting the boss’s pet causes are not within the vast majority of employees’ jobs.

        ESG, of course, is an attempt to make it part of everyone’s job, but for the vast majority of companies (and employees), ESG is a box-ticking exercise to placate the people in financial markets, for most of whom it is also a box-ticking exercise. Trust me, if you want to assemble a group of people who don’t really give a shit about environmental, social, diversity, or anything other than ROI, any random selection of investment bankers will do.

        Now, your employer can fire you for refusing to wear the flair, but let’s not kid ourselves that is a termination for cause.

      • kinnath

        Fair enough. In this case, you put on the uniform; you go out in front of customers that paid to see you; you do represent your employer.

      • R.J.

        That’s a great point. I just had a friend who was told he had to have a picture taken holding a rainbow flag. He just gritted his teeth and did it, jobs in his line of work are hard to find. Now a picture of him holding a pride flag is saved in a company database. That was never anything he signed up to do. Politics should have nothing to do with business. Separation of church and state? I wish we had separation of business and state.

      • Fatty Bolger

        if you want to assemble a group of people who don’t really give a shit about environmental, social, diversity, or anything other than ROI, any random selection of investment bankers will do.

        I don’t doubt that. So how did ESG get such a foothold to begin with?

      • Pine_Tree

        Because that same group figured out they could get politicians to steer some loot their way by saying the right things, and checking the right boxes.

      • R C Dean

        Kinnath, I would still draw the line at “not publicly embarrass, promote the team and the sport, play nice with sponsors”, and not “parrot any damn fool thing the boss says”.

      • kinnath

        peace

      • R C Dean

        *pounds shoe on podium*

        “I will bury you!”

        My bosses were Narrative Liberals and hardcore Dems. They knew better than to ask me (who actually did represent the company) to publicly support their myriad causes and candidates. Mostly because I think they were just the tiniest bit afraid of me. “I don’t know what he’ll do/say, but I don’t think I want to find out.” So I’ve given some thought to the scope and boundaries of “representing” my employer. Fortunately, it was never put to the test, although given the way I buckled under and took the vax, I’d probably grin and bear it, like R.J.’s friend.

      • rhywun

        This doesn’t stop unless and until a gay player steps forward and says, “I will not wear the ribbon.”

    • Brochettaward

      I’d like them to square the circle of how someone is hiding behind their religion because they don’t personally have beliefs that call for the complete 100% reaffirmation of homosexuality. I know, I’m asking a lot. There is no way to be true believer in any of the big three Abrahamic faiths and endorse homosexuality.

      • Rat on a train

        God loves us unconditionally so go do whatever the hell you want, right?

      • Rebel Scum

        Following religious doctrine/beliefs Hiding behind religion.

      • Rat on a train

        Isn’t it clinging?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Bitterly even

    • Brochettaward

      Also, notice the NFL hasn’t done this shit or been pushed to do so. Neither has the NBA. They know full damn well in those leagues what would happen if they asked a bunch of black athletes to wear pride flags and how that would blow up in the prog’s faces.

      • rhywun

        Ha, good point.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    In addition to proposing permanent prohibitions on strict mask and vaccine mandates, DeSantis also wants to prevent doctors from losing their medical license if they stake out positions that contradict medical consensus. During Tuesday’s event in Panama City Beach, DeSantis welcomed to the stage a local dermatologist who has spread unsubstantiated Covid-19 conspiracies on Twitter.

    “We want to have our medical practitioners, particularly our physicians, be protected with the freedom to be able to speak the truth,” DeSantis said.

    Following Tuesday’s announcement, state House Minority Leader Fentrice Driskell, a Tampa Democrat, called DeSantis “the number one peddler of a dangerous message from the anti-vax establishment.”

    “It is a fake ideology with real consequences – 84,000-plus dead Floridians and counting,” Driskell said. “Masks work, the CDC has proven that. The mRNA vaccines work.”

    It’s never too early to demonize political opponents. That election is right around the corner.

    • Ownbestenemy

      “Masks work, the CDC has proven that. The mRNA vaccines work.” Just wanted to draw that out

      • PutridMeat

        “proven that, since we shutdown peddlers of misinformation, ostracize and threaten them. It’s very easy to prove something if don’t allow anyone to disagree!”

      • rhywun

        Perhaps the good Democrat could explain why NY had way more deaths than FL.

      • UnCivilServant

        “Clearly, the Floridians smuggled their dead north!” /True Believer

      • Ownbestenemy

        Or why Sweden appeared to be the only country that didn’t lose its damn mind after they spent a whole year shitting on them.

    • Compelled Speechless

      That election is right around the corner AND it is the most important election in our lifetime.

      • The Other Kevin

        It is our last chance to stop fascism.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Until the next chance that is. The worlds largest governments and all of it’s largest corporations are together in this fight. In complete lockstep.

    • Scruffyy Nerfherder

      “Masks work, the CDC has proven that. The mRNA vaccines work.”

      Keep talking asshole. Get yourself on the record.

      I will not shed a tear if the mob comes for you later.

    • R C Dean

      “84,000-plus dead Floridians and counting,” Driskell said. “Masks work, the CDC has proven that. The mRNA vaccines work.”

      Three consecutive lies. I’ll be a little disappointed if the mob never comes for him. And it very likely won’t.

      • rhywun

        Narrator: It won’t. Anywhere.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    “Masks work, the CDC has proven that. The mRNA vaccines work.”

    If you don’t believe that you’re a heretic and should be banished and surrender all your earthly wealth to the church government.

  29. Not Adahn

    News from the Fish & Game club: 2022 NY hunting deaths = 0 from GSW, 11 from falling out of trees.

    • Sean

      Yeah, but were they vaccinated?

    • UnCivilServant

      So what you’re saying is – we are at war with the Ents.

      They will be here in a matter of decades!

      • Aloysious

        Don’t be hasty.

    • Sensei

      Ban trees?

      • Name's BEAM. James BEAM.

        Common-sense tree control. It’s the only way.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        They are the number one cause of forest fires.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        And forest fires are responsible for 13.1% of cases of childhood asthma. I’m using a decimal, so it must be science.

    • The Other Kevin

      You mean 11 from COVID (assuming they tested positive).

      • Sean

        They caught it from the deer.

        Is that still a thing?

    • Rat on a train

      Kill a tree, save a skier hunter? If it saves one life …

  30. EvilSheldon

    My local indoor range just got sold to the county police department, as their new training center.

    So the cops have a shiny new range to not practice at, and the undeserved shooting community in NoVa gets fucked in the ass.

    I am not in a good mood.

    • Rat on a train

      Elite Shooting Sports opened in 2014 with four bays and 42 shooting lanes. County officials said they would expand the indoor facility to 65,000 feet for “additional training and growth.”

      They will have even more space for not practicing.

    • Sean

      Sorry dude. That blows.

    • Tundra

      Before the new place opened I used to shoot at the cop range on occasion. Never actually saw a cop there.

      • R C Dean

        If you gave me free range time, free ammo, and actually fucking paid me for the time I spent at the range, I think you’d see me there.

      • Rat on a train

        +1 unit armorer

      • Sean

        I’ll settle for free ammo. I’m easy.