Apology

The website administrators are so desperate for content that they’ve agreed to serialize some stuff I wrote 20 years ago. It does have a libertarian theme although that won’t be apparent for a few installments.

I’m hopelessly proud of it despite the increasing amount of sophomoricness it’s acquired over the years. Certainly I haven’t changed any in that time.

Back then I did have a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup in the Town Restaurant every day. I still occupy the off-the-grid one room log cabin but it really only takes 80 minutes to hike the four miles into town.

A talented cousin did the illustrations. If you want to commission something from him let me know.

Introduction

Although it may not be obvious to the casual observer, the population of the State of Vermont can be sorted into two distinct types:

  1. Those people whose families have lived in Vermont since it was settled and whose family folklore includes tales of the great Republic of Vermont, when Vermont was an Independent Country, and who have never quite forgiven Ethan Allen for agreeing to join the Union despite all of his other fine accomplishments. These people, who will subsequently be referred to as “Native Vermonters”, are hardy and hard working, straightforward and straight talking, and are the foundation of everything that makes Vermont great. They are also almost, but not quite, completely invisible in the current Vermont landscape.
  2. Everyone else, who will subsequently be referred to as “Flatlanders.” Flatlanders are sometimes called “New Yorkers” by older Native Vermonters.

Vermont has always had a population of Flatlanders: those who’ve moved to Vermont from somewhere else because Vermont “is such a nice place.” In recent years those who pay attention to the media might conclude that Flatlanders have taken over the entire State. It is true that important Towns like Montpelier (the State capital) and Burlington (a self-styled major metropolitan city) are almost, but not quite, exclusively populated by Flatlanders.

Native Vermonters quite sensibly regard the current large numbers of Flatlanders to be a temporary phenomenon and have the attitude of “This Too Shall Pass.” Like mud season. They know that as soon as it appears to the Flatlanders that Vermont has somehow, despite all their progressive efforts, become “just like everywhere else”, they will move away in droves. Perhaps leaving behind a few people, who might after a few generations be considered “Newcomers” to Vermont by the Natives and occupy that wide gray area between the two solitudes, so to speak.

This book reveals for the first time the true History of Vermont as maintained by Native Vermonters. When the influx of Flatlanders started to become chronic Native Vermonters agreed in a series of Town Meetings to conceal some of the more interesting episodes of Vermont History by the simple and expedient method of denying knowledge of any such thing and implying that the questioner was a few cows short of a herd. This tactic was incredibly successful and centuries of Vermont History were hidden this way. The truth of this remarkable assertion can be demonstrated at any time by finding an older person in Vermont (Flatlanders without exception move to Florida once their joints reach a certain age and temperature.) and asking that person whether he or she has heard of the events described in this book. The answer will invariably be “No.” followed by something on the order of “What’s the weather like on the planet you come from?”

How did the author, who moved to Vermont from California, learn of this secret history? The answer is that he inadvertently acquired two undeniable attributes of Native Vermontership as follows:

  1. He purchased property in a Town in which the terrain goes uphill in both directions. (Admittedly this is not a difficult feat in Vermont.)
  2. He built and occupied a one-room log cabin with just a wood stove and without utility power for an entire Vermont winter (11.5 months). Actually he did this for two entire Vermont winters in a row but no one noticed because it’s extremely difficult for anyone, even Native Vermonters, to determine when one Vermont winter ends and the next one begins.

One day after walking uphill (of course) in the snow for hours into Town for a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup the other people in the Town Restaurant began to talk about strange events in his presence. After several more days of walking uphill (of course) in the snow for hours into Town for a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup the author began to piece together the incredible Secret History of Vermont.

Why is the author willing to reveal these incredible truths? The answer is that if he publishes a book and someone actually buys it then all those breakfasts become tax-deductible as a research expense. Free food! Everyone has their price when it comes to betraying deep secrets. That’s mine.