So last week someone asked what the stars had to say about the outcome of a particular football game.  It’s been a while since I’ve written about what astrology is and isn’t so I’ll do a brief overview.

Lily and Daisy in one of the rare times that Daisy’s at the park in the evening.

Astrology is actually a couple of different (though sometimes related) things.  The first are the astral influences.  These are the interactions of planets with the constellations and the effects they have on the present day activities. That’s you’ll see that certain times are good better for making whoopie, others for starting projects, that sort of thing.  Now while these effects differ depending on the birth circumstances of the individual, as a general rule the starts shine down on everyone.   This makes trying to cast a horoscope for a particular football game kind of pointless.  I mean yes, you could determine that Mercury is more beneficial for the more mobile team, or Sagittarius benefits the side with the superior passing game, or Capricorn gives the edge to the better coach, but determining exactly which of these influences are the greatest at a particular time and place is a mug’s game, frankly.  The other aspect of astrology is the Celestial Oracle.  This is where future events are indicated and can be tracked by establishing where a particular arrangement of signs will be at a point in the future.  This is the part where I unfortunately have to point out that almost everything is too unimportant for the stars to take notice of, especially football games.  If there is an indication of something happening at a football game, it will be very, very bad.  So don’t go looking for that.

 

Weekends are time for wrestling with Callie

 

Speaking of very very bad, we have a comet in view!  These are traditionally the worst signs you can come up with, since they are objects which are NOT behaving in a nice regular, predicable manner. And they move in unnatural ways!  Such a random, imperfect entity in the perfect, orderly heavens means catastrophe!  So what do we do with this information?  Well fortunately, it’s not a terribly bright comet, so it’s not portending the end of the world or anything.  Thanks to modern astrology we have the capability to predict where the comet is going to go (this is the one of two major advantages we have over the ancients, the other being porn tracking software.)  When this column posts, it’s going to be in the constellation of The Charioteer, then move into Taurus (the Bull) on Friday.  So expect a disastrous event involving wheeled vehicles, especially military ones and/or their drivers.  Now that Friday transition is very significant in this case because the comet is going to be green.  Green is the color of Venus, who is also the ruler of… Friday.  With this combination, we’re looking at a flood.  Not a cataclysmic one due to the comet’s fading, but still will truly suck for those involved.  And there is an agricultural nod here so probably great loss of crops/livestock.  It got to be bad to be worth a comet.

 

The cards agree with the comet — lots of swords and reversed majors.

Aquarius: 8 of Swords – Bad news, violent chagrin, crisis, censure, power in trammels, conflict, calumny; also sickness. 

Pisces: The World Reversed – Inertia, fixity, stagnation, permanence.

Aries: 7 of Swords reversed – Good advice, counsel, instruction, slander, babbling.

Taurus: 6 of Cups reversed – The future, renewal.

Gemini: Knight of cups – Advances, proposition, demeanor, invitation, incitement.

Cancer: 2 of Coins – Gaiety, recreation, news and messages in writing, as obstacles, agitation, trouble, embroilment.

Leo: Justice reversed – Law in all its departments, legal complications, bigotry, bias, excessive severity.

Virgo: 9 of Swords – Death, failure, miscarriage, delay, deception, disappointment, despair. Blame the comet.

Libra: King of Swords – Power, command, authority, militant intelligence, law, offices of the state, etc.

Scorpio: 3 of Swords – Removal, absence, delay, division, rupture, dispersion, pain, grief, heartbreak but otherwise not all that bad.

Sagittarius: Ace of Swords – Triumph, the excessive degree in everything; great force, in love as well as in hatred.

Capricorn: 7 of Wands reversed – Perplexity, embarrassments, anxiety.

I get an exercised dog and a clean coat at the same time.