At a speech in Flagstaff, Arizona, President Biden claimed he dug the Grand Canyon with a spoon. “There I was folks, with Paul Bunyan. Not a joke! And I beat that lying dog-faced pony soldier in an arm-wrestling match. And Paul Bunyan told me, ‘OK Joe, you beat me fair and square. Now take this spoon and go dig the Grand Canyon.’ Think about it. One guy digging that big canyon with just a spoon. But I did it. I might be Irish, but I’m not stupid, and you can ask anyone in Scranton. My friendship with Paul Bunyan began in Delaware. Babe the Big Blue Ox was the new student at my school, which was in the only Black-Irish-Jewish-Italian-Puerto Rican- Martian-Chinese-Bovine neighborhood.  Babe had trouble fitting in, but I was sure to pick him first at recess for our kickball team. And I remember the big smile on Babe’s face that day when I picked him first. We won the game and Babe came up to me after and said, ‘Hey Joe, I want you to meet my friend Paul Bunyan who’s been planting apple trees out west with Pecos Bill.’

Well, before I could do that, I had to fight off John Henry who was a friend of Corn Pop. Now John Henry was a steel-driving man, and I’m just middle-class Joe, so what chance do I have? But then Pecos Bill shows up and hands me his magic lasso. And I lassoed that rascal John Henry and chucked him right over the Pacific, and when landed he crushed some damn Chinaman’s head, and that stopped the Germans from bombing Pearl Harbor. And that’s my word as a Biden.”

When asked about his knowledge of his son’s overseas business dealings, President Biden pulled out a harmonica and began to play the St James Infirmary Blues, which he later claimed to have written with his good friend Mr. T.