This is not a version of “Subaru Horror Theater”, as I don’t do fiction. This is just me hating on all variety of obnoxious, poorly-cast, poorly-written, or useless commercials I see during my extensive TV-watching.

I first came up with this idea when I saw this commercial (TW: Facederp – only place I could find it).

  • The overall warmth of this commercial is ice-cold. Yes, ice cream is cold, but they’re clearly going for a “good times with family” vibe here, and failing miserably. This commercial did not come out during the ‘Vid times, so the “gramma” on the tablet screen is unnecessary and creates an impersonal vibe.
  • These kids…oy vey. I don’t blame them, I blame the casting agent or ice cream executive that desperately wanted his or her grandkids to get into acting. The little girl seems to have on winged eyeliner? She’s, like, 4! And the demonic look she gives the boy – did they not have a better take for “look lovingly at your fake brother”? These kids also can’t seem to decide which one is supposed to be playing the part of “Hayden”.
  • And what the hell is with the casting of this “gramma”? She looks and talks more like your worst nightmare Karen HR executive than a warm and loving grandparent.
  • Where the fuck is “mom”? Is she in bed with a “sick headache” (i.e. hangover) and eating bons bons while watching true crime (probably shows about mothers who murder their children)?
  • That sundae looks disgusting.

 

~Finis~