So sorry to disappoint you, but I’m standing in for Sugarfree today. His morning went off the rails.

Little known fact, but in his spare time Sugarfree runs a company renting bouncy castles to adults who have that particular, uhm, kink. Today started like any other day…his morning schedule was packed with back-to-back meetings and customer calls. But, this afternoon he’s busy with the all-important task of overseeing the installation of a bouncy castle.

But not just any bouncy castle. This is the Great Gigantic Gorilla: an inflatable Harambe bouncy castle. And the customer? The underground convention of the little-known PETA Adult Entertainment Union.

The InflatoHarambe bouncy castle is the perfect addition to this convention. Harambe’s air-filled vinyl portcullis raises up enough to get a camera crew and three OnlyFan girls inside.

This evening Sugarfree’s Harambe will be filled with those PETA activists who love animals just a little too much, and by the time dawn breaks, Sugarfree will be busy spraying the bouncy castle out with buckets and buckets of Purell.

Dems are delighted about “abortion rights” (God I hate that phrase)

Of course this British twat had to weigh in the other night before the election.

The majority of my search history starts with “can dogs eat…” and today that sentence is: can dogs eat almonds?

PETA is unhappy with someone who I think makes music.

“Virtually certain” that this year will be the warmest in history.

“I regret that I trapped butterflies who could fly freely in the sky” is perhaps my favourite phrase from the news this week.

Mormons are being sued for misappropriation of tithes.

The Unification Church in Japan set up a fund for their misappropriation relief.