A fictional account, any resemblance to a real event or person(s) living or dead, is purely coincidental. It is written in the first person only in an attempt to be entertaining and is not intended to be inclusive of any reader.
My wife and I have been married for nearly fifty years. At this point we have come to grips with most of the world’s problems and have worked them out to minimize the impact on our lives. Except for one.
We live a quiet life, away from the bustle of a city, town or village. To go shopping is a big event in our lives, to be taken seriously and something requiring a certain amount of planning. Since we live 30 miles from a larger city that has the big box stores we don’t go often and try to maximize our time as best we can. We each prepare a shopping list, mine with more of the bulk items and hers with the grocery and smaller items. Then she divides her list into two columns, tears the list in half and gives me half. Since this is a big day for us we always plan our time to ensure a restaurant meal, a sit down dinner type that includes silverware.
I explained to my wife in advance that I’d like to leave early so that we can shop and eat and get home before dark, to make it easier to unload and have time to deal with our new treasures. Early doesn’t mean leaving before daylight, I’m thinking 10 AM is a reasonable time. Now the communication breakdown starts.
We finally pull out of the yard at noon, lunch time, right? Only we haven’t had lunch. An hour later we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. An hour and a half later we leave the restaurant parking lot, finally heading for a store to shop.
“Oh, can we go to Fleet Farm first?”
Since it’s on our way we can but now we have to browse the kitchenware department in the event they have some new product as seen on a home shopping network. One hour later we headed across the highway to a big box.
“You can wait in the car, I only need a couple things”
Forty five minutes later we got a couple things and it’s now getting to be about 4 PM. We still haven’t been to Wal-Mart to do the grocery shopping. I do my half of the list in about 30 minutes, since I know the store layout and shop logically to save time and steps. Then look for my wife, and look, and look, and look, finally she gets to the grocery section.
“Are you finished?”, she asks.
Now I have to wait with my nearly full cart while she examines each head of lettuce in the bin. Then to the next bin, etc, etc. Finally she gets to the meat department, I’m waiting while each package is looked at critically.
“Oh, they only had one can of bamboo shoots, I wanted four, can you go look?”
Now I’m pushing my cart, heading into the Asian food section and picking three cans from the bottom shelf where they were towards the back. Now back to the meat department and see she’s making some progress, when she’s nearly finished she says, “I couldn’t find the breaded shrimp in the frozen foods, can you look?, I’ll be in the Meat Department.”
It takes me a couple minutes to find the shrimp, return to the Meat Department and she’s gone! Kidnapped? Unlikely, so I walk back and forth through the grocery aisles, she’s nowhere to be found. I go to the checkout area, wait, wait and wait. Fifteen minutes later I see her waving from the far end of the store, coming from the beauty and wellness section for the second time. She’s finished!
Now the check out, which goes fairly smoothly. Six hundred dollars later I ran the card through the machine. Enough groceries for a month for the most part.
Now it’s 6 PM, dark has arrived at 5. An hour drive home, 45 minutes to unload the truck. By 8 PM Ol’ Fours….oops, I mean, the guy in the story is in the recliner.
All is well, thanks to the lessons of stoicism that I have learned from my friends at Glibs. I take my Wal-Mart hoagie, turn on the TV and watch the returns from New Hampshire, not that I really care. Happy to be safe and warm in my little niche. Did I mention I hate shopping?
A purely fictional creation of an imaginary event that never ever happens in real life. No one would believe such a tale.
Sounds like my wife, except along the way she would decide that Walmart food is no good and we’d be on our way to Fresh Market or Whole Foods to pay extra.
I tried Whole Foods a couple times. I was not impressed.
Neither your opinion or mine matters on the issue.
Some of us don’t have a Wegman’s to compare it to.
Whole Foods isn’t bad for some specialty items, but I find them overpriced on nearly everything. If I feel like going fancy, and dealing with big crowds, I’ll hit up the West Side Market. Early if you want the best selection, later if you want the best deals. When I was there Saturday, I was offered $2/pound off steaks if I added the last one of the same cut to the order. So of course, I said yes. Which is how I wound up with three porterhouses (for me) and three filets (for the girlfriend).
I hate shopping and I always come prepared with a detailed list but Wegmans does make it difficult to stick to the old in, out.
I’ve only been to a Whole Foods once, to pick up prepared stuff for a picnic. Looks like the closest one now is about 100 miles so I guess I will pass.
Oh, the picnic food was good. But just basic salads and meats and junk.
Do you get salami at Wegman’s? I really like their brickhouse and
the red wine & black pepper varieties. So good.
stick to the old in, out.
I saw what was done.
Not a big salami fan, to be honest.
Weird place, I hadn’t been to one since growing up in Wegmanstown decades ago.
There are a few too many foods and other items that are supplied only by a store brand. Just to take a random example or two, pre-made salads. Bags of croutons. Wegmans brand only.
“Not a big salami fan, to be honest.”
*bites tongue*
I call it “Whole Paycheck.”
Mrs. Dean alternates between Whole Foods and Safeway. As near as I can tell, it’s a mix of product preference and (surprisingly) pricing. As WF gets Amazonized, apparently a couple of things are happening:
(1) A lot more house brand stuff and less variety.
(2) Better prices on some things.
I gather the WF you went to a couple of years ago, or even a year ago, isn’t the one you’ll go to today.
Our Wegman’s (and I say “our” even though it’s in the next county) is really and truly shitty. When I go to the nice ones up near Rochester, I just get pissed that they’re saving all the good stuff for themselves.
Aren’t you also as close to the middle of nowhere you can get within the tiny confines of New York?
Pretty much. Closest Whole Foods or Home Depot is about 90 miles. We do have a Dollar General, which is handy if you don’t want to get all dressed up to head over to Steuben County to shop at Walmart.
It’s amazing what Albany doesn’t have. The closest Ikea is NYC.
Or Connecticut. It’s marginally closer when you factor in the issues of the city.
The Wegmans in Ithaca is great, thank goodness. There are probably better ones in Pittford or Perinton but it’s better than every grocery store I have visted in NYC over 25 years.
And I can walk there.
Not all WF are created equal.
The OG* Whole Foods is pretty freaking awesome. It rivals, possibly** surpasses Austin’s HEB Central market
*The actual original was torn down, but the new original is at 6th and Lamar in Austin.
**But probably not. It does have a larger supply of ready-to-eat foods though.
Admit it, you just ain’t down with Hebs.
The Dallas Central Market was beyond anything I have ever experienced, grocery-store wise. Not even close. Of course, that was *does math* *oof* 15 years ago.
When I lived in TX, the Dallas one was third behind Houston and Austin.
Fresh Market is a smaller southern WF type place. Some of the meat and rotisserie chickens are decent prices. Most other stuff is expensive.
They do have very nice coffee samples so I usually walk out with a caffeine buzz.
I have been told for the last 15 years that my Granma is dead, but I think she’s working at the Fresh Market in Greenville NC.
My wife says otherwise, but Granma has to be making their chocolate banana bread.
The deli lunches are good and reasonablyish priced.
We have a Fresh Market here — it’s expensive, yet terrible. Not even Sprouts quality.
Our expensive but good grocery is https://healthylivingmarket.com/store_location/saratoga-springs/
My local TFM has the good sense to be next to a liquor store. And the guys at the meat counter are very friendly to us.
It took the girlfriend a while to realize why I parked near the exit when going to big box stores for big runs. She would always ask why I wasn’t parking near the entrance.
Things we learn along the way.
There should be a “horror” trigger warning on this.
It did indicate very early that it involved “wife” and “shopping”. Do you really need more?
Luckily for me, my wife does 90% of the shopping during the week.
When we lived further away, and it took an hour and a half to go to the Commissary, one Saturday a month was shot.
All 5 of us piled into my Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera after breakfast and we would get back around sunset. The kids never fussed too much, they knew we were going to get a good lunch (Subway, we were poor).
Life sure has changed in the last 20 some years.
Now occasionally I will take her shopping on a Saturday, and it is almost a date day for us.
My wife does the shopping as well, but I expect that to change in retirement.
Mrs. Dean does the shopping for us. On account of her firm belief that I will fuck it up.
Isn’t that the usual plan for either spouse?
How do I complete this task in a way that I’ll never be asked to do it again?
I don’t do it on purpose, but when she has had me shop while she was sick or out of town, I always manage to screw something up.
I recently realized that she treats me the same way she would handle the kids.
She lets me buy little things here and there, and I always get a good meal.
I don’t enjoy shopping, but she knows how to keep me from fussing.
+1 kozukai
https://stayingglobal.blogspot.com/2011/12/kozukai-when-men-earn-allowance.html
We’ve done that our entire Marriage.
I don’t need much, so I always have money left over.
That usually pays for our lunch when we go shopping.
if the woman manages to save any amount after meeting the expenses, it is an allowance for her. This allowance is called “hesokuri” and was generally kept aside for emergency needs.
My (female) Japanese friend and language exchange partner always jokes about this word. Heso means bellybutton. Both our assumptions are that it was money tucked in the belt of her clothing.
In days long ago we did the same thing, my daughter liked to go ’cause she would hit the cosmetic counter at the PX and reload her supplies, which she allowed me to pay for. To this day (she’s 57) she remembers those teenage fun days. We always stopped at an Asian store on the way home and Mrs Twoscore would have someone new to talk to while she shopped.
Commissary is not nearly as good a deal as it once was, but still pretty good.
You no longer have the “stand in line 15 minutes to wait for the next register” thing going on anymore either though.
Tip your bagger.
We would never go on a payday weekend.
On the times we forgot, the line would wrap around the store.
I just had the hoagie versus sub conversation with my wife last night. We both grew up within 50 miles of each other, but I never use the word hoagie and she does.
https://www.reddit.com/r/MapPorn/comments/chrh4c/dialect_map_of_most_common_american_names_for_a/
Nearly always referred to as a sub here, even with a regional chain named Mr. Hero.
I always thought that hoagie never made it past the Midwest. There are interesting pockets all the way out to CA.
Yeah, I really confused some folks when I called it a grinder (having grown up in a sub venue).
Growing up eating subs, a Grinder and a Poor Boy were each a specific kind of sub.
Po’ Boys are not subs!
It was a Grinder where I grew up.
My wife gets me to go to the grocery store with her sometimes. Once we get in the store she spends the entire time acting like she’s running from me and/or hiding from me. No thanks, I’ll just stay home.
I assume she’s trying to be efficient. No need to drag you down Aisle 4 if she wants only one thing there. Or maybe she spots something novel and intriguing.
That said, it used to drive me nuts as a kid when my mom did it.
You’re correct, she wants to be in the store for a minimum amount of time which is the reason for it. But I am the one with the cart.
I do my shopping and our shopping. My wife does her shopping. We do not shop together.
I get a little squirrelly after more than 2.5 hours in the big city: The inconsiderate people in the shopping aisles. The Asian ladies digging through the produce to find the perfect one. The slow-ass traffic. The people who stop to give the beggar money when the left turn light is only so long.
It’s a good thing I’m not hot-tempered.
You filled in the blanks of our monthly excursion though maybe the locals here are slightly more Minnesoda Nice.
Not all WF are created equal.
I don’t doubt it. I went to the one in Indianapolis a couple of times, and couldn’t see what the fuss was about.
We use Kroger delivery. $60 a year for unlimited next day deliveries.
We have started doing grocery pickup, man, that is the way to go!
Yeah, we started doing that way back when Kroger first started doing it.
“You can wait in the car, I only need a couple things”
Ha, my wife does that too. “I only need to get some milk.” 30 minutes later she returns to the car with a nearly full shopping cart.
My wife is physically incapable of buying only one item.
Every time it’s “I just need one thing” and then she comes out to the truck with bags in both hands.
“I do my half of the list in about 30 minutes, since I know the store layout and shop logically to save time and steps. Then look for my wife, and look, and look, and look, finally she gets to the grocery section.”
This is universal.
I assume she’s trying to be efficient
Why have two people doing one thing together when they each could be doing something individually?
We know splitting up doesn’t work in horror films.
Also the women must for some reason remove most of her clothing.
one or more women?
also only the hot ones.
Why must there be a reason?
Except for the Final Girl.
That’s a collectivist fallacy designed to keep you under The Man’s thumb!
Legitimate journalism is aghast
Nor do we yet have a Carlson interview to judge—assuming that he actually sat down with Putin at all. (As of this morning, there are growing indications that he did.) We already know more than enough about Carlson, though, to suspect that any Putin interview of his is likely to be about as illuminating as a light bulb with no filament. And we have seen enough of his visit to Moscow to suspect that the visit itself was the point—at least as far as Putin is concerned. The fact that he’s been allowed to make the trip is telling enough.
Propaganda stooge!
It’s worse than when William Randolph Hearst went and kissed Hitler’s ring.
Allowed?
Really! Who gave him permission?
The Russians. Their consulate issued Tucker a visa.
“He was allowed to make the trip.”
Faaaaaaaaaaahk ooooooooooff.
Anyone can go to Russia. Probably you can find the number for Putin’s secretary and get an appointment, if you have actual business. Nobody in the government here can or should have a say in that.
He’s probably interviewing a lot of people over there, besides Putin. That also makes the stooges nervous.
I went to Ikea with the boyfriend. I was the one napping on the Florp sofa while he browsed. But it was one of the most fun dates I’ve ever had.
We don’t have set roles in shopping but we do enjoy it together from time to time. For a while, especially during the Dark Times when the kids were forced to be home all the time, slipping out to the store together was our alone time.
Historical parallels, while often seductive, are, of course, never exact. Carlson does not have Hearst’s power or reach—certainly not in his post-Fox days. (Hearst would likely be confused by the concept of a visual media venture based partly on a declining social platform, as, indeed, am I.) Hearst was circumspect about his visit to Hitler. (“Visiting Hitler is like calling on the President of the United States,” he told the AP, when asked for comment. “One doesn’t talk about it for publication.”) It would be unwise to expect similar discretion from Carlson. And—if we are to compare the arc of Hitler’s Germany with that of Putin’s Russia, which is itself a fraught task—Carlson would seem to have gone to Moscow at a later point than Hearst’s trip to Berlin. If that trip looks terrible in the harsh glare of hindsight, Carlson’s might come to look even worse.
History will judge him.
“No one I know uses it anymore!” ::haughty sniff::
Stated without evidence.
Speaking of evidence, I just looked up the 2023 ratings figures because I was looking for evidence of a certain TV network’s decline. MeTV gets more views than CNN based on the entire year’s worth of data. Talk about a declining platform. CNN, with untold money spent, cannot out-rank a nostalgia channel with a shoestring budget. And for FOX? Still huge, but down 20 points.
https://variety.com/2023/tv/news/most-watched-channels-2023-tv-network-ratings-1235850482/
I have facts and proof. I wish to see the libtard’s proof of Twitter’s decline.
Poor Comet, down at 91.
Yeah. I think it is because they only have a few shows. They need more content.
Also Pluto and Roku TV are eating their lunch with all kinds of specialized streaming channels for sci fi and horror. Those aren’t even listed in the TV ratings. The cumulative effect is pretty powerful.
Comparing Putin to Hitler or his regime to the Nazis is just straight up retarded. Lordy, that’s such an overplayed hand.
Democrat, or Hilter, there is no other choice!
I thought Trump was Hitler!
Silly TOK, they are all Hitler.
I am Hitler!
And so is your wife!
No, Trump is infinitely worse.
Keep up.
The worst Hitler of them all – worse than the original!!!
It is, but there was a certain very loose parallel between Hitler’s territorial acquisition before the Big One really kicked off in France and Putin’s territorial acquisition before his army got embarrassed in Ukraine.
Very loose as you say, then again the Czechs weren’t randomly shelling German speakers in the Sudetenland nor were the Poles attacking Danzig.
If the Sudeten Germans tried to secede, and were getting weapons from Berlin, could you blame the Czechs if they tried to attack and get the Sudetens to stop?
As much as people keep repeating the lie, Ukraine didn’t start it, unless by “start it” you mean not wanting to be under Russia’s thumb.
Russian-speaking people and Ukrainian-speaking people have been fighting over this ground for a thousand years.
It is pointless to claim anyone in particular started it, because it started a long, long fucking time ago.
Both sides are governed by corrupt assholes.
Not our circus; not our monkeys.
You haven’t been peeking at my Hearts of Iron IV save file, have you?
That and the Wehrmacht didn’t have a logistical meltdown 20 miles into Poland.
Who do you expect to plan logistics better – Ze Germans, or whatever post-Soviet political appointees were left after the rest of the quartermaster’s office did their embezzling?
I hate shopping. Dude does it.
I hate the fact that I have to go to different stores.
I want, no, Need, a Food and Stuff!
I only shop what I plan to cook/eat in the next 2-3 days. I don’t buy bulk I don’t have pantry staples an I rarely buy frozen. It is more expensive but I waste almost nothing this way and prefer it. I could be saving money though. I also have a 24/7 supermarket at like 7 minute walk from me so I can go buy most things at any hour of the day. Life in the big city I suppose.
The European mind cannot comprehend spending an entire day driving around shopping at big corporate stores.
No, they would have to take the subway.
Jared can show him his footlong.
LOL sure they do.
The family I lived with did big weekly shopping decades ago.
Not every European lives like the ones in your head.
Only (some) gas stations are 24hr anymore after the lockdowns around here.
This is how I use our local Wal-Mart Market, which is a smaller version of the grocery section from the Wal-Mart super store.
In and out in 15 minutes.
I miss 24/7 supermarkets.
Lockdowns caused them to drop the nighttime hours when I could shop in peace.
The few times I write a shopping list, I organize it by store layout so I can follow the list. When I get a list from my mom or my aunt this is not the case, and I always get to the end of the list and find an item that I need to backtrack to the other side of the store for.
I do the same thing, the girlfriend asks how I remember the layout of the grocery store.
I do most of the shopping for the house.
Most stores are laid out roughly similarly. This is why I hate the local [Krogers], it is all retarded.
Here the layouts are either to push you towards a clockwise route or a counterclockwise route.
I (un)intentionally cross the store as many times as I can… because I should plan more, but keep remembering what I needed from over there.
My biggest beef with Meijer is that the Health and Beauty stuff is on the opposite side of the huge store from the groceries, so I have to trudge past all the home goods, clothing, etc. just to pick up my Atkins shakes while on a grocery run. 😒
I have a defined path…fresh foods first around the edges then decide if I need anything down the aisles.
My list has the aisle next to each item (I use a Todo app allowing easy repeats).
I go from 1 to 20 then I do the reverse, hitting cold/frozen items in the middle then fresh foods at the end.
Ah, visions of my life once the wife retires.
Nice piece 4×20.
if you have persistent visions you should drink less
Retirement is a vision for me. Maybe someday, when I am 70.
Retirement is a mirage.
Five years ago, it looked like spring 2024.
It now looks like 2032 or beyond.
I have ten more years to pay off the house. Feels like a prison sentence, with the additional stress of worrying about my job. I need to go find something else to do which makes me feel productive. I can’t be a cubicle shroom for 10 more years. That won’t set a good example for my daughter either.
I signed a HELOC last year that will realistically take 8-10 years to pay off. It was a conscious decision to work for 10 more years instead of living in a house in disrepair.
This choice was based on 1) I generally like my job; 2) the pay is good; and 3) the industry is in relatively good health.
I’ve got about 15 years to pay off the house sticking with the minimum payments. Considering I’m at sub 3.7% interest, I’m in no rush to pay that off, and put the amount I would put towards the house payment in a brokerage account.
I’ll find out in a decade or so if I made the correct decision.
It’s like cold fusion, always just a few years away.
It’s not ever “retirement” as I understood it anyway. I just go do something else for money.
https://www.chewboom.com/2024/02/06/pizza-hut-launches-new-goodbye-pies-ahead-of-valentines-day-2024/
LOL
Sending a crappy Pizza Hut pizza isn’t reason enough to end a relationship?
It does kinda send the message.
I’d rather my ex drop a deuce in a pizza box and send it to me than a Pizza Hut pizza, those are just gross.
A little late for it now, but most years, Bell’s brewing offers up free beerentines that they’ll hand write and mail for you.
Jennifer Crumbley, mother of school shooter, found guilty of involuntary manslaughter
More horseshit from the legal system.
Feelings are more important than logic.
I’m not sure what the punishment should be but she seems culpable.
I tend to agree on maybe some culpability here. Not sure if the charges are appropriate though.
*shrug*
Having her in restraints seems a bit much though.
I note the government-sector workers didn’t help little Ethan.
They can be charged too, but fortunately for them they didn’t know he had the weapon.
so the group agreed
School: You child is nuts and needs help. We want you to take him now.
Parent: I can’t today. I have to work. I can’t cover this on short notice.
School: OK, but get help soon.
Parent: I will (maybe she means it, maybe she’s blowing them off).
At any rate, the school allowed him to be there the rest of the day.
Why aren’t the school employees on trial for negligent homicide?
Do you think the school would have agreed if the Crumbleys had said “By the way, we bought the little pyscho a gun 3 days ago.” ?
Does not saying “we bought our kid a gun” equate to homicide?
*Involuntary homicide
**Involuntary manslaughter
Will parents whose children commit suicide be prosecuted for the deaths of their children?
If a troubled kid steals a 12-pack from the pantry and the car keys, then later kills a family in a car accident, will those parents be prosecuted for homicide?
If you tell your parents that you are going to kill yourself this afternoon with the gun they gifted you 3 days ago and they do nothing? Solid maybe.
It wouldn’t surprise me if Tony Dungy’s son was gay.
More horseshit from the legal system.
Stone the harlot.
Well, looks as if he’s gone and done it. Link not to actual interview but to TC’s intro/explanation: https://tuckercarlson.com/why-were-in-moscow/
He has brass ones, I’ll give him that.
I’ll definitely want to see that interview.
What do you want to bet he releases it at the same time his old Fox News show used to come on – and he outdraws whatever is in that time slot now?
We are lucky to have about a half dozen actual journalists left. I have a lot of respect for the work they do.
I should have read the thread.
The insatiable maw begins to consume itself.
Note how he was tracked down – by a warrant for geo-fenced cell phones.
I was going to leave a big rant but it is pointless. Point forward, leave your phone at home, people.
The insatiable maw begins to consume itself.
Doin’ right ain’t got no end.
RIP Red Solo Cup.
Will he be buried with a boot in his ass — the American way?
I liked him so much, then I found out he very quietly contributed to Obama’s campaign. I know it’s stupid, but this is why I don’t want to know artists’ politics.
I just assume they don’t like me.
Dude, we need to work on your self-esteem.
Back in the days when Spud and I lived in the SF Bay Area, our favorite shopping expedition was to Berkeley Bowl, which is IMNSHO the greatest produce market on Earth. But it’s in Berkeley. We can start with the parking lot. You haven’t lived until you’ve been nearly run over and then flipped off by the driver of a Prius with a “Commit Random Acts of Kindness” bumper sticker.
My son used to go on our trips there- and even at the ripe age of 3, he could spot the Angry Liberal expression on every goddamn shopper there. “Daddy, why does everybody look so mad?”
It was fun being in line behind a Birkenstock-shod trustifarian with an expression simultaneously smug and angry, holding a cloth shopping bag imprinted with “My carbon footprint is smaller than your carbon footprint.”
That just sounds like the secular version of leaving the church parking lot.
Same personality defect, different religion.
1995. Phillips gas station. 1:00 a.m. I’m behind the counter. We’d been instructed to look at credit cards very carefully (this was in the short-lived time when your picture was on it). Customer wants to pump gas. I look at his credit card. The signature line says “Jesus saves.” I question this.
Therein starts a very acrimonious (on his part) and bemused (on my part) discussion on why he does this, which is to say, when people see it they are reminded of Jesus’s love and grace and maybe they won’t go to hell if they accept him into their heart as their personal savior. At some point, I started to enjoy jerking him around and kept it going until customers piled up behind him.
I finally took the card and let him pump gas. He drove by my window in his van and flipped me off. That still makes me laugh.
Scott Alexander unpaywalled his “Pictures from Berkely” post on his substack.
Interview with Putin confirmed.
Prepare for full freakout!
Obviously the 14h Amendment now prevents Tucker from running for office.
It should prevent him from coming back!