“But what is it, Father?” Barron asked as he circled the enormous model that dominated The Oval Office.
“Greenland, Son,” Donald said. “It shall be yours once I wrest it away from the Swedes.”
“Wrest,” the hat said. “Now that’s a good word.”
“I told you the Word of the Day Toilet paper was a good idea,” the hair murmured.
“Swedes, Father?” Barron asked, his brows furrowed. “It is not The Danes that hold Greenland in fief?”
“They are basically the same thing,” the hat said.
“No, they aren’t,” the hair said.
“Dumb Whites letting their children get raped by savages…” the hat replied, “what’s the dillference?”
“You will make Greenland a paradise,” Donald said, putting his hands on his son’s shoulders. “You will wrest out its oil and rare earths and return in triumph.”
“Wrest, again, Donald,” the hair said. “You have to sprinkle your new words, like croutons in a salad.”
“You know he hates croutons,” the hat said scornfully.
“This has nothing to do with croutons!” the hair snapped.
“And these, Father?” Barron asked, looking at the buildings on the model.
“Skyscrapers, classy ones, too,” Donald said. “We’ll make them tall, so tall. I want them to actually scrape the sky!”
“I can see them, Father,” Barron said, looking up in wonder. There was an Eggo stuck to the ceiling.
“But first, Canada,” Donald said, pointing to the map Scotch-taped to the wall.
“Fuck Canada,” the hat growled.
“Oh, calm down,” the hair said.
“This is the invasion plan,” Donald said. “One of those nerds Elon left in the basement found it.”
“Why Canada, Father? Do we really need more Vermont?”
“Canada,” the hat growled.
“Canada is how we get to Greenland, Son,” Donald said. “We will take over Greenland by the land route.”
“It Greenland not an island, Father?” Barron asked. “Should we not use ships?”
Donald smoothly ignore him. “We will what Elon calls… Wait, what did he call it?”
“A White Wakanda,” the hair supplied.
“A White Wakanda,” Donald said. “Whatever that means.”
“It’s from a movie, Father.”
“I don’t like movies, too long, too loud… last time I watched a movie it was just two guys smooshing their butts together.”
“What?” the hat asked. “What movie was that?”
“Fuck if I know,” the hair replied.
“Probably something popular in Canada,” the hat said darkly.
“Why do you hate Canada so much?”
“They call themselves America’s hat,” the hat said.
“I don’t think they call themselves that,” the hair said.
“I AM AMERICA’S HAT!” the hat roared.
From the trashcan, USA hat spat out the button it was chewing on and made an indignant grunt.
What about Make America Go Away hat?
Make Amanda Go Away.
Grand forks to Winnipeg?
Now there’s a conquest for the ages. Also, The Citadel in Quebec would finally get put to its intended use!
We can even make it a two-pronged attack! All the pickup trucks with gun racks in the back window go up I-29 while the bass boats and pontoons take the Red River.
Mmmmmm, ceiling waffles.
Popcorn ceilings were fashionable, why not waffle ceilings?
Like Drop Bears of Deliciousness.
Ew. Chlamydia waffles.
Those are blue waffles Adahn.
And when we take Canada, we will have all the Maple syrup, the best syrup. And we can have so many ceiling waffles, the best ceiling waffles anywhere.
Richard Vallières was an American saboteur? IT ALL MAKES SENSE!
They got peanuts and soap in ’em!
“Why Canada, Father? Do we really need more Vermont?”
This one cracked me up.
The young one is wise beyond his years!
“They’re not Swedes, Mack”
“Skyscrapers, classy ones, too,” Donald said. “We’ll make them tall, so tall. I want them to actually scrape the sky!”
Once he finishes melting the ice caps with his dastardly Big Oil cohorts, that will be incredibly valuable waterfront resort property.
54-40 or fight
Most of Greenland sits within the Arctic Circle.
Hmmm. Worldbuilding question:
The Hat/MAGA Prime is the Hat, the first and all hats.
The other hats… from whence cometh they? Are they his spawn?
I see them as sad copies from the creator when he tried to mimic his greatest achievement.
He claims to have become conscious when the first hat was created, a banana leaf on top of an proto-ape’s head. He can move his consciousness into other hats (focusing on hats of influential people throughout history: Hitler, Napoleon, Ivan the Terrible, Genghis Khan, etc.) but there are hats that descend from his various headwear dalliances throughout the years, coupling with various turbans and berets, vile miscegenations–dark creatures that straddle the hideous line between bowler and trilby, paperbags with bulging eyes, Phrygian caps that scream while worn, and redneckian trucker hats with sub-basement IQs.
Give that man a Pulitzer
“last time I watched a movie it was just two guys smooshing their butts together”
que?
The Deadpool and Wolverine movie, perhaps.
Guess I forgot that part.
Was there a Ren and Stimpy movie?
Threedoor:
Not that I’m aware of. John K. (creator of Ren and Stimpy) had plenty of personal issues, and one of the last things I’m aware of him trying to do was the gods awful Spike TV (‘member them?) “Adult” Ren and Stimpy episodes.
“I AM AMERICA’S HAT!” kinda kicked my giggle box over…
“THIS IS CETI ALPHA V!”
Emergency
Liberal Sen. Ed Markey (D-Mass.), who faces a Democratic primary challenger this year, is calling for President Trump to be removed from power under the 25th Amendment after Trump acknowledged he would be less likely to pressure Denmark to give up Greenland had he won the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize.
“Invoke the 25th Amendment,” Markey posted on social media along with an image of a New York Times article reporting Trump linked his push for Greenland to not winning the Nobel Prize in a text message to Norwegian leader Jonas Gahr Støre.
Ed Markey is just the guy to diagnose mental acuity.
Leftists can’t identify jokes. It makes it easy to identify them, like holding a mirror up to a vampire.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to give him the prize?
Impeach Vance if he doesn’t invoke.
And all State congress’ that dont go along with it!
It will need 2/3 vote from both chambers of Congress if Trump contests. Impeach any member of Congress that votes against.
“Dumb Whites letting their children get raped by savages…”
Truth can be savage.
Also: like the sneaky link to Penguins Sneaky Nazi President.
How many Bernies will North North Dakota send to congress?
Norf Dakota is pretty conservative (except for the “big” cities).
U.S. — To keep up with popular consumer trends and make products more appealing to the company’s customer base, Subaru announced that all models will now come standard with a built-in ICE tracker.
https://babylonbee.com/news/subarus-now-come-with-built-in-ice-tracker
“I’ve deported things you people would never believe.”
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die!
A popular accessory might be those Ben Hur- inspired wheel attachments to slice down any ICE agents nimble enough to avoid getting hit head on.
Thanks to the official Glib X feed.
“2026 Is the Year of the Cabbage: Meet the Most Underrated Leafy Green”
https://archive.ph/PA4I9
Silly me, I thought it was the horse.
I like cabbage.
Especially pickled and/or fermented cabbage.
I don’t mind it. Both fresh and pickled/fermented.
It’s served shredded with some fried foods in Japan and actually pairs well. That was a bit of a surprise that I liked it.
“You love red cabbage, Ralphie.”
My thanks to the (shuttered) German resto in Carlsbad that made me realize I liked it too.
Brassicas and grass are the two most important plants for human survival.
I hope my food eats brassicas more than I do because most of them turn my stomach.
Mustard is a Brassica.
When fed to the livestock.
Now that I don’t eat brassicas on the regular when I do my joints swell up.
I was probably inflamed before I quit eating them and thought it was normal.
Secondary compounds are there to stop animals from eating the plant.
Saw that in wikipedia. Fortunately the seeds taste good. The stems or leaves might nauseate me, who knows. I’m getting better with broccoli but Brussels sprouts are a no go.
I hope my food eats brassicas more than I do because most of them turn my stomach.
Even Brussel Sprouts? What’s not to love, they’re just Swamp Thing testicles…
I’m going to fry some kielbasa and cabbage together. Yum.
Harbinger of doom?
Nathan’s Famous, which opened as a 5-cent hot dog stand in Coney Island more than a century ago, has been sold to packaged meat giant Smithfield Foods in an all-cash $450 million deal, the companies announced Wednesday.
Smithfield, which has held rights to produce and sell Nathan’s products in the U.S. and Canada and at Sam’s Clubs in Mexico since 2014, will acquire all of Nathan’s outstanding shares for $102 each.
Like almost every food company, Nathan’s has been under significant inflationary pressure. Nathan’s sales costs of branded products rose 27% compared with last year in its most recent quarter, the company said in a filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. There was a 20% increase in the average cost per pound of hot dogs, it said.
Invasion of the cost cutters.
Sounds like they are just closing the loop
So from the article. They were a licensee. Looks like the family just collected a $450m check.
My guess would be for estate planning.
Nathan’s has good dill pickles.
Now I want a coupla Nathan’s with sauerkraut and mustard.
Don’t do it. Smithfield is Chinese.
Sabrett’s seems to be the popular choice here. I personally prefer Old Kayem.
I love these glimpses at Barron learning at his Father’s knee. The future looks to be in good hands.
“I AM AMERICA’S HAT!” the hat roared.
we have video of this part of the story:
https://youtu.be/_bZKEhgieoc?si=8rLQ2zfsf24ew0Gz
“Swedes, Father?” Barron asked, his brows furrowed. “It is not The Danes that hold Greenland in fief?”
Spain and Portugal haz a sad.
I am so bored that I have resorted to doing my work to fill the time.
Yeah. This is a bad day.
Not me. Work is busy AF but I get to knock off early because the Cleveland staff is having their holiday party today.
What Cleveland holiday is today?
“Cheaper Christmas party reservations day”?
I was told something to that effect. We then regaled each other with tales of the days of wild and crazy parties that don’t happen anymore. Open bars, boat cruises, and shit.
We’re having our staff holiday party this afternoon/evening, too. Only two free alcoholic drinks, though. 😞
Our office had its party last night.
Cheap fuckers didnt buy any booze….
Don’t do it. Smithfield is Chinese.
It’s a little late to be worrying about that. According to the article Smithfield has been in charge of production for some time. I bet those meatpacking plants are full of south-of-the-border types, too. Whatever.
Sabrett’s seems to be the popular choice here. I personally prefer Old Kayem.
I grabbed some Hebrew National a while back. Not as good as Nathan’s, according to me.
I haven’t see Sabrett’s in ages.
https://www.cnbc.com/2026/01/21/trump-tariffs-nato-greenland-davos.html
Trump says he reached Greenland deal ‘framework’ with NATO, backs off Europe tariffs
President Donald Trump said he and NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte have “formed the framework of a future deal with respect to Greenland.”
Trump said that as a result of that negotiation, he would no longer impose punitive tariffs on a slew of European countries that were set to begin Feb. 1.
Stocks shot up immediately after Trump posted the update.
I swear he’s fucking with people (investors in particular) just because he can.
TACO Wednesday.
Sounds like the Euros buckled. According to Trump.
Ask for more than you want, bluster and threaten, wind up with what you wanted. The art of the deal.
I find it hard to believe that Trump couldn’t have “gotten what we wanted” simply by having subordinates sit down with NATO leaders and come up with a plan to increase defense capabilities in Greenland.
Trump wants American empire. Collaborating with NATO is not American empire.
I have a problem with someone with at least four bankruptcies giving me financial advice. Surprisingly, I want my investments to appreciate.
“Fucking with you because I can” is Step 4 of The Art of the Deal.
VA really looked to NJ and said we can do what it took you decades to do and we can do it better and faster!
https://x.com/EricLDaugh/status/2013774618897658314
Hahaha. Shocked, you say?
“ELECTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES”
Sure, but votes and elections arent the same thing.
It was very clear from the late 2010s that VA was going from pinky purple to very blue imminently. There was a bit of a reprieve due to pushback on the trans madness, but demographics and population densities don’t lie.
No amount of voting harder is going to fix the DC suburbs.
We regret leaving exactly zero.
https://babylonbee.com/news/whoops-trump-reveals-hes-actually-been-thinking-of-iceland-this-whole-time
The problem with Iceland is it’s too vanilla.
*bjorks NA’s nose*