Mitch moaned and advanced on Elaine as she brandished a cattleprod.
“We have to get you to the Senate!” she said loudly. They had to swaddle him just that morning to sew an ear back on, the sheets they used were piled on the floor, soaked with unspeakable fluids.
“Aye,” Mitch moaned, shambling forward.
“They could have at least let us strip Lindsay for parts,” Elaine said crossly.
“Yes, ma’am,” the home health aide agreed. Mitch had bitten her the night before and she told no one, the festering wound on her arm covered by her medical tunic.
“Nay,” Mitch moaned.
“You hold the wheelchair and I’ll get him into it,” Elaine said. The home health aide rolled the chair forward and locked the wheels. Her name was Rita and her hands and feet were going numb. The outbreak was almost upon the state.
Elaine stepped in to shock Mitch for a few seconds on and off until he was in position, and then shocked him into the chair where he sat down heavily. The gases of decomposition escaped him in a long gibbering fart.
“Ma’am, should we be doing this? Can we take him to the Senate like this? Should we?” the aide asked. The bite on her arm itched intolerably. All she wanted was to take off the bandage and scratch it until it bled fresh, raw meat red.
“He needs to vote for the SAVE Act,” Elaine said. “Throw a weighted blanket on him and he’ll be fine. The tonic will make him seem alive and mostly coherent.”
“Do we have enough tonic?” the aide asked. “He’s much worse than the last appearance.”
“The wizard made a new batch just last night,” Elaine said. “That hillbilly is bleeding me dry. You know how expensive it is to source the menstrual blood of a bonny lass of virtue true? What the fuck even is a “bonny lass?” Some Scottish nonsense.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the aide said, gingerly securing the muzzle on Mitch’s mouth and tucking the blanket around him. His limbs didn’t have the strength to push the blanket off.
“And the rest of it,” Elaine groused. “Some fucking moss from some godforsaken island in the Philippines, bark from dying tree in California, like sixty AA batteries.” Elaine stripped off her butcher’s apron revealing an immaculate pant suit.
“I’ll be right back,” the aide blurted and rushed to the bathroom to vomit. All that came up was black blood and chunks of stomach lining.
“Let’s go!” Elaine yelled from the room with Mitch’s cage.
The aide moaned in response.
YES!!!
i mean “AYE!”
AYE!
NAY!
Is that like Yarp and Narp?
AYE!
AYE!
RJ whipping it out and slamming it on the counter for the world to see. That’s how you do it.
The tonic will make him seem alive and mostly coherent.
Huh. It makes sense now.
Does Elaines cattle-prod have a repulsor mod in it? I want Mitch to go flying through the air like that Grandpa after he got hit by the buffalo.
Socko.
Meanwhile, over at al Jazeera,
“Why has Lindsey Graham’s sister inherited his Senate seat after his death?”
Why would they even ask?
I like the idea that it is really Lindsey in a dress. He needed the freedom to be himself.
I don’t think there are enough binders to hide Lindsey’s war boner.
*chortles, wipes eyes* One of your finest, sir.
Could this possibly resurrect the shambling corpse of zombie apocalypse fiction, by mashing up Dawn of the Dead with Veep?
I second this. Fantastic work.
This is the SugarFree of old! You’re back on your game!
I thought I’d have to push Elaine aside but made it outside to the deck. I only hope the neighbors didn’t see me and call 911.
I got off of writing so much horror because people said they were avoiding my stuff because it was too much. I broke at least a dozen people with the Subaru/dog story alone.
This is why I usually warn people before they go into my Halloween horror features.
Speaking of… I swear I just saw a Subaru ad with a gigantic dog towering over the car and its family.
Best story ever!
We are supposed to be made of stronger stuff here.
The Subaru “Share the love” commercials are worthless to me–even I won’t make fun of dying kids going to prom. And the dog ones don’t have much to latch onto–the giant dog is already a horror story.
There are a couple new Subaru Wilderness commercials I need to check out.
What if, they are not dying, they are already dead? Can they go to a Saccharine prom then?
Sorry Jarflax, Disney channel already did that one.
https://disneyzombies.fandom.com/wiki/Z-O-M-B-I-E-S_(franchise)
Now I wonder who the hillbilly is. Vance?
He’s no wizard.
Pinball Wizard?
Grand wizard?
Backwoods Kentucky wisdom?
Indigenous wisdom.
You know how expensive it is to source the menstrual blood of a bonny lass of virtue true?
That stuff don’t grow on trees.
A lot of the problems we have with geriatric senators would go away if we just brought back dueling.
Dueling carries the implication that Congressmen would be meeting other Congressmen, which is fine, but…unless I can meet Tim Kaine at sunrise upon the field of honor, pistols for two and coffee for one, it’s really not good enough.
crawl . . . walk . . . run . . .
Start with someone like Vance in the Senate. He could work his way through a lot of the old fucks on the left.
The other problem is, how many congressmen and senators would actually be willing to defend their actions with blood? Probably not many these days.
So you’d need a clause guaranteeing that any sitting politician who refuses a challenge can simply be horsewhipped in the street by anyone interested.
In fact, just strike out the ‘who refuses a challenge’ part.
Why take them out into the street when they can be caned on the floor of their respective chambers?
(Leaving aside how many of them pay good money for that…)
Because I want witnesses.
From “conceivable” to “actual”?
By altering the interpretation of a single word in the Endangered Species Act, the Trump administration has made what could be a sweeping change to how wildlife is protected in the United States.
That word is “harm.” For more than 50 years, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service defined harm to refer to anything that injures or kills a protected organism, including “significant habitat modification or degradation” that might impact a species’ ability to feed, reproduce or seek shelter.
Trump hates nature.
Oh. how they cry like little bitches when the interpretation of regulatory law shoe is on the other foot…
I want all of Bill Clinton’s Canadian wolves slaughtered.
Yawn.
The next Dem administration will just revert to whatever anti-human understanding was in place already, as with every other policy.
Maybe,maybe not. If enough people shrug their shoulders or even cheer this on, then they will think twice about going back to the old way of interpretation.
Can I have whatever pill you are taking?
The first thought is “spite” and therefore “reverse every decision Literally Hitler made”.
The will of the people has nothing whatsoever to do with it.
They did it after his first administration, after all. If they win in 2028, I don’t know why they wouldn’t do it again. Only the next time, you can expect a good old fashioned purge with show trials and everything for his people.
Collectivist moaning and groaning
The specimen—dubbed Gus—is billed as one of the largest, most complete T. rexes ever found. Gus is expected to fetch up to $30 million and will go to the highest bidder, whether public museum or private collector. The latter have played an increasingly prominent role in buying fossils, with auction houses, according to paleontologists, contributing to the trend by building hype. But when private collectors swoop in and buy fossils at auction as luxury assets, those pieces of history are effectively lost to science.
——-
But whereas Sue went to a scientific institution—the Field Museum in Chicago—in recent years ultrarich individuals have been snapping up dinosaur fossils at auctions for their private collections, prompting paleontologists to be concerned about the fate of rare specimens. Tech entrepreneur Dan O’Dowd owns a T. rex called Samson. And he’s not the only private collector to own a tyrant lizard king. A study published in 2025 found that there are more fossils of T. rex in private collections than there are in public trusts.
It’s not just T. rex that’s ending up in personal coffers. In 2024, Sotheby’s sold a Stegosaurus named Apex to hedge fund billionaire Ken Griffin for the record-setting sum of $44.6 million. And last year the auction house sold the only known juvenile Ceratosaurus in the world to an anonymous buyer for $30.5 million. These examples highlight another trend: As prices soar, museums simply cannot compete at auction.
Gone forever, just like that.
“I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” Makes that menstrual blood seem insignificant.
Just like the Elgin marbles.
“Lost to science.”
Every cool find found in my neck of the woods is whisked away to the Smithsonian. 2500 miles away and put in a drawer to be forgotten rather than be displayed for us local yolkals to enjoy near where it was found.
I can confirm this. I used to have a friend who worked at the Field Museum in Chicago. She got me up to the top floor where they let me draw sketches of bird specimens. Some of them were 100 years old. Most of their collections are indeed upstairs in storage.
I’ve been in the museum exhibits business for twenty-odd years, and have worked with the collections and exhibitions offices at the Smithsonian. This is exactly correct.
The states need to cry like the Indians and get all their antiquities and lands repatriated from the feds.
Wired has informed me that I have read my last free article.
And just like that the reach of their opinions have been lost forever to profit.
aleontologists counter that the incentive to sell specimens to the highest bidder and appeal to high-net-worth collectors actively undermines science every step of the way. That begins at excavation, with commercial outfits that take the fossils out of the ground but fail to exhaustively document the geological context in which a fossil was found, which is essential for understanding the age of the organism, how it died, and the ecosystem it inhabited. Mounting the bones for artistic display makes them impossible to study using modern techniques such as computed tomographic imaging, which can reveal hidden features of fossils noninvasively.
How will we know if it was gay?
If its forelimbs are limp wristed.
Wouldn’t that be the incel T. rex?
He was fond of telling Triceratops OH BEHAVE!
The Triceratops implies the existence of the Tricerabottoms.
+1 cloaca
https://www.reddit.com/r/ChatGPT/comments/1uxb4oq/asked_chatgpt_to_make_the_cover_of_a_bargain_bin/
That is so on-point, that I’m now wondering exactly how much romantic fiction ChatGPT has churned out…
The UFO snaffling the cow is ::chefs kiss::
Those damn Canadians are exporting their smoke from forest fires south to us. The smoke is pretty thick. My eyes have been irritated all day.
The front desk sent this out:
DIDN”T HAVE TO SIGN A FORM WHEN YOU FORCED US TO WEAR MASKS DURING COVID!
I prefer to believe that this is a joke.
We need that Game of Thrones ice wall on the northern border.
Expected on the east coast soon.
Sigh…
It’s here already. The skies have been orange-ish here in southern NH all day.
I had to turn my office lights on for a bit it got so dark.
Nick, this is the worst I’ve ever seen but maybe not as bad as your area, looks like the fires are north of Duluth and into southern Ontario.
Can’t see across Emily Lake. The good news is that it’s overcast and slightly cooler today.
Last year we got a bunch from Canada. Fires are not as far west this year yet.
While i know more americaneze politiking than most Euros i have no idea who Eliane is.
Mitch’s wife, Elaine Chao.
The a and the i switching positions is just an illusion caused by the rippling of space-time whenever SugarFree is around.
No, I just can’t spell or proofread for shit. Elaine was even the name of my sort-of stepmom and I still can’t spell it.
Libtards want to ban moments of sportsmanship like this
https://x.com/flapprdotnet/status/2077158468427870494
Yes, screwing over your spouse makes one “proudly vulnerable”.
https://pagesix.com/2026/07/15/celebrity-news/beartooth-rocker-caleb-shomo-and-wife-of-14-years-file-for-divorce-after-he-comes-out-as-gay/
The chest rocker should have given it away.
Feel bad for his wife who wasted so many years with him and has Stockholm syndrome.
Did they tour with Greta Van Fleet
Q, please take note of this video.
https://youtu.be/0-5dsXobjKI?is=EO1TQBZvLv1L8M8N
Canadians show up to USMC OCS school and it’s awesome. Not a crayon eater, but that type of voice still makes me tense up. I love the comments from all of the OCS grads, too.
I would have a hard time not giggling at opening Gunnery Sergeants authoritative and commanding, voice
I did mine at Benning but the first 18 weeks were very similar, after that the last 7 weeks we were like 3rd Lts, could sit on the whole chair in the mess hall and talk quietly.
We didn’t have NCOs, Tact Officers (2Lts), fresh from OCS, that were seeking revenge. I wanted to drop out every day but didn’t have time to write a quit letter. Somehow it worked out.
I got a Branch transfer upon graduation, Infantry to Signal Corps, only one in my company.
X can fuck right off with that sign in nonsense.
Fuck dick face Tom Cotton.
The book cover for Tales of Woe is disturbing.
Hope I can sleep tonight.
“This handsome tome, bound in fine hand-tooled leather, would made a welcome addition to any home library.”
CPRM made it for me.
“Studded for your pleasure.”
Not enough sex. 3/5.
Words you really don’t want to hear in the context of Mitch McConell.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vFwYJYl5GUQ&ra=m
Golly, if only there was something like an “institution” or similar that handled these issues.
https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/07/12/moving-in-with-a-partner-has-become-a-lot-more-complicated/
If you’re not married, you have no rights regarding the other person’s property.
If you want it, put some rings on.
Other reforms – Child support goes into escrow and either parent may submit requests for reimbursement for legitimate expenses incurred supporting the children. The administering agency gets none of the money.
Spusal support automatically decreases annually to disappear completely within five years. By that point you should be back on your own two feet and not leeching off of your ex.
Legal fees in divorce cases are capped to discourage intentionally drawing out proceedings to gain additional fees. If the client draws out proceedings, the lawyers may drop them with a public declaration that their client is obstructing proceedings.
Oh, and Custody of children and primary residence is presumptive to the non-filing party. Rebuttable with evidence sufficient to disqualify a mother in today’s broken custody system.
I’m going to be honest, my goal is really to make the gold digging route unprofitable. If you marry, commit. If you must leave, it should be equitable not profitable.
Begrudgingly did that once. It was very expensive to leave. Do not want to do it again.
My girlfriend is accounted for in my will.
So instead of divorce court, she has to apply some inheritance powder?
The other choice is to just outlive your spouse.
Yes, Kinnath, murder is a time-honored method of collecting. It does carry risk of detection, however.
That was your idea. I was merely counseling patience.
As far as anyone can prove in court.
I divorced my first in NJ, got custody of 2 young kids and still paid alimony. Though unfair, it was still worth it. After 7 years I quit paying, I lived in a No Alimony state and her lawyer didn’t chase after me since I was no longer paying his fees.
Every Thot deserves alimony!
The sky is brown today. Is this another gift from Canada I’ve been hearing about?
Hasn’t quite reached southern nj.
Looks like you’re due for it too
It has reached northern NJ.. Not as bad as last time.
How could you tell?
lol
That’s not all from Canada that has reached NJ. Some chick offended by a Trump shirt hauled off and smacked a teenaged girl.
Geroni didn’t mention Tracey’s alleged assault of a teen girl that led to her arrest during his public plea, instead claiming the entire situation was being taken out of context.
You are just missing “context”.
Yes
Get your preorder in now!
Biden will publish ‘Promise Me, America’ memoir after the November midterm elections
The least subtle money-laundering scheme ever.
So much exactly that.
Something needs to pay for Hunter’s PR firm.
But who would pay him off, and for what? The Bidens are done, out of the game. Like the Clintons, they can’t deliver anything for anybody, and when the Clintons were out of the game, the payoffs went away.
They’ll be $0.03 in the bargain bin a week after release. Then they’ll be in the trash bin.
Why would you actually print them?.. that costs real money.
Make them all electronic pre-orders.. . sell at full hardback price.
Are you a Sony Employee? Or ist it Nintendo?
They print them so the DNC can buy them with campaign funds and give them out as freebies while Biden gets a fat advance that he just pockets.
It will track like his wife’s book. It will hit #1 or 2 on the list because millions of stolen tax dollars go to buy it, and then it will drop to nothing. You may never even see a copy in the bookstore.
Even if it were 30 cents I would’t buy it for firewood. The thoughts inside will be so toxic it will poison the air when burned.
I can’t wait for the lefty pundits on TV to pretend like they read it.
Well, he’s pretending he wrote it, so…
It’d be really funny if the content were nothing but Lorem ipsum
JD Vance has been on the podcast circuit. He was recently on Mike Rowe’s show. He has returned to Joe Rogan.
Wow, 3 hours. Can you imagine Kamala cackling and trying to sound intelligent for even 1 hour?
Sadly, I can.
Though there might not be much else coming out of her mouth during that hour.
She should go on Bill Maher’s show. They could have a slurred-off.
This is why I usually warn people before they go into my Halloween horror features.
“A full cardiac arrest team will be on site in the lobby for those unable to withstand the onslaught of psychological trauma.”
Who has Low T?
https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5969935-hegseth-testosterone-testing-dod/amp/
not me
That’s as dumb as using BMI.
Get rid of the all you can eat carbs in the chow hall and this self corrects.
Speaking of divorce, I mentioned Kindly Old Grandpa Buffett the other day. Bezos and Gates should have paid attention. It’s a lot cheaper to just warehouse your wife and go live with the next contestant than to subject yourself to the painful messy expense of divorce.
Sage.
How did we end-up with John and Stu announcing the ENG-ARG match? Insufferable.
Oh thanks for the reminder. I have no opinion on them but if I hear the phrase “home game for Argentina” I might throw my TV out the window.
Is there something going on with Dick’s Sporting Goods? One of our lefty friends is singing their praises on FB today. That’s usually a sign they did something woke and stupid.
Last thing I heard was chain wide bankruptcy.
I heard it wrong, one of their major competitors is going bankrupt.
I seem to recall they did something stupid and virtuey with guns, but that was several years ago.
It’s difficult to keep track of all the stupid virtuey stuff that big-box sporting goods retailers do. Dick’s, Academy, REI, et cetera. Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops seem to be fairly resistant up to this point, they know who’s paying their bills…
What did Academy do? I’m in bass pro country, so I haven’t been to an academy in a while, but I didn’t think they’d be dumb enough to wade into social stuff.
I honestly don’t recall, but it was something. Might have been no longer carrying evil assault weapons in some stores or something.
I don’t buy my gun stuff at big-box stores, so I don’t keep track as much as I probably should. Especially not Dick(less)’s, I’ve loathed them ever since they bought up Galyan’s and ruined the place…
Yep, about 10? years ago they pledged to stop selling “assault weapons’, and cozeyed up to some gun control group. I haven’t shopped there since. They make all there money on tennis shoes and yoga pants so loosing some of the real sporting goods market was probably not going to affect their bottom line.
They’ve always been woke and stupid. I stopped shopping there years ago.
Agreed.
I did buy a shotgun there about 8-10 years ago. I got what I needed at a decent price and left.
In the distant past, I would occasionally buy golf balls or gloves there. But I haven’t been in for a very long time.