Disclaimer: This article is satire, so fuck off any piece-of-shit state attorney who is looking to make a name for him/herself…

Seven tips for maintaining your wood chipper:

1) Keep your wood chipper clean.

a) Pressure wash your machine after every use.

b) Replace the air filter every 25-50 hours of use.

2) Keep your blades sharp.

a) Replace or sharpen the chipper blades annually.

b) Sharp blades are more efficient at reducing your stock.

c) Your wood chipper engine runs more efficiently with sharp blades.

3) Use genuine parts.

a) The enginerds who designed your wood chipper have thought long and hard about it’s operation (unless they were drinking that day or it was Friday).

b) They have tested its operation to extremes that you would never think of. (I’m a test guy, and I relish breaking shit)

4) Check your chips.

a) If your chips are too thin, feed faster.

b) If your chips are too thick or if your chipper’s motor bogs down, feed slower.

5) Use Lube

a) Change the engine oil every 50-100 hours of use.

b) Grease all grease zerks at least twice a season.

6) Read the Fucking Manual.

a) No, really, RTFM.


7) Dont Be a Fuckwit.

Insert https://cdn11.bigcommerce.com/s-hcy32mr9u2/images/stencil/500×659/products/268/550/MIS-036_Not_To_Be_Operated_By_Fuckwits_485x385_STRESSED_THUMB__60847.1545916869.jpg?c=2 here


Hazards of wood chippers:

Wood chippers are inherently dangerous, powerful machines.

  • Never sit on, stand on, or climb onto any part of the wood chipper while it is in operation.
  • Ensure that the wood chipper’s discharge chute is positioned such that it won’t hit other employees.
  • Never reach into a chipper while it is operating.
  • Prevent detached trailer chippers from rolling or sliding on slopes by chocking the trailer wheels.
  • When servicing and/or maintaining chipping equipment (i.e., “unjamming”) use a lockout system to ensure that the equipment is de-energized.


Personal Protective Equipment (PPI)

  • Use appropriate hand protection relative to the task(s) to be performed, conditions present and the hazards and potential hazards identified.
  • Use appropriate eye and face protection. Devices purchased after July 5, 1994 must comply with ANSI Z87.1-1989 (.133(b)).
  • Wear a protective helmet. Helmets purchased after July 5, 1994 must comply with ANSI Z89.1-1986 (.135(b)).
  • Wear gloves with no cuffs (non-gauntlet).
  • Wear close-fitting and tucked-in clothing with no stray straps or strings. Jewelry should not be worn while operating chippers (ANSI Z133.1-2006-8.6.3).

By following these rules, you can assure that your wood chipper will give you many years of flawless service, and that you are making the world a better, less corrupt, place.