I’m Just Coughing Here!

For more than a year and a half, the public expulsion of various irritants from our airways has engendered a heightened degree of suspicion. Every clearing of the throat could be the calling card of a superspreader, and every cough—particularly coughs, the most universal COVID symptom—could be the reckless spewing of disease. This isn’t entirely new: The sound of a nearby person’s mucus has always been unpleasant to hear—and for some, including the immunocompromised, a worrying sign of possible infection. But today, even as vaccinated people face an extraordinarily low risk of severe illness from COVID-19, coughs still prompt hostile looks from bystanders and defensive pleas from those with ticklish throats. When my iced tea went down the wrong pipe outside a coffee shop on a recent afternoon, the whole patio turned to stare in horror as I coughed it up.

I resisted the reflex to assure everyone that I was merely a klutz, not contagious. For one thing, the two are not mutually exclusive; no one can ever be 100 percent sure they’re not spreading a germ or two. But more importantly, I was covering my mouth with all due diligence, and the goings-on south of my uvula are nobody’s business but my own.

In other words, I think it’s long past time for us to stop feeling ashamed—or making others feel ashamed—of the everyday cough. We’ve already endured two spring allergy seasons and two autumn ragweed seasons since the beginning of the pandemic. Each time a new one starts, there’s an onslaught of service journalism advising readers on the difference between COVID symptoms and everything else. (TL;DR: Allergies don’t cause fevers, and COVID doesn’t make the eyes itch.) Though these pieces are usually written as guides for people looking to assess their own symptoms, they could also be read as entreaties for the rest of us to chill out a bit. There are a limited number of ways for the respiratory system to signal distress, which means that people cough for all sorts of reasons.

Create or exacerbate a problem (1-3 articles,) whip up a hysteria (4 articles minimum,) write about what people are saying about the hysteria and/or making fun of the people making fun of said hysteria (3 articles) and then write about how everyone needs to calm down (1 article so far.)

A perfect fear-outrage-admonishment cycle that can be applied to anything. It’s like one of those time-lapse films of some poor dead possum bloating with maggots and then they all spill out and the skin and bones quiver and rustle.

If this reality is a simulation, why did they cut so many corners when programming the skin for this NPC? Did the high school intern make this one? Was it a stock skin from a programming library for a failed Taiwanese gaming start-up?

 

Truck Driver Leads NJ Senate President After Spending $153 on Campaign

New Jersey’s longest-running state senate president seems set to lose his seat his seat to a truck driver who spent only $153 on Dunkin and paper fliers over the course of his campaign.

Democratic Senate President Steve Sweeney trailed Republican challenger Edward Durr, a commercial truck driver, by more than 2,000 votes as of Wednesday afternoon, with more than 99% of precincts reporting. The Associated Press has not yet called a winner.

The potential loss by one of New Jersey’s most powerful politicians would result in upheaval of political power in the state, forcing the Senate to find a new president. Sweeney has been the chamber’s leader since 2010.

Durr said he entered the race after being denied a concealed carry permit despite having a clean record. State campaign finance records show a slate of candidates including Durr raised more than $10,000 during their campaign but spent only $153: $66.64 at Dunkin to buy food and drinks for staff and $86.67 for paper flyers and business cards.

womp womp