Joe roared, grabbed a ficus, and began to hump it vigorously, laughing and crying by turns as the helicopter landed on the lawn outside.

“Thank fucking Christ,” Finnegan sighed as she saw the blades winding down. She was using a small broom to hit Joe on the back. “Leave the houseplant alone, Grandpa!”

“It’s vegetal aroma has seized my sex parts!” Joe said.

“What does that even mean?” Finnegan asked.

“This plant is a Russian asset!” he screamed. “Microphones everywhere!”

Dr. Jill rushed into the day room with Tony’s isolation palanquin put-put-puttering in behind her, his wizened face behind the fogged viewport showing concern.

“You have to help him, Doctor!” Finnegan cried. “He’s had an erection since midnight!”

“How many vaccinations has he had today?”

“Three since dawn,” Finnegan said. Joe dropped the abused ficus and began to frottage the edge of the couch.

“He hasn’t been this horny since Columbine,” Dr. Jill fretted.

“Forgive all student debt!” Joe cried as he ejaculated in his pants from the erotic friction of the couch arm. “Corduroy! Bring me corduroy!”

“We have the student debt relief announcement today,” Finnegan said. “We can’t have him like this.”

“I will see what I can do,” Tony said, his manipulatory arms unfolding from his isolation pod like a black chrome butterfly shitting itself from a pupa.

“Joe!” Tony’s voice boomed from the speaker on the pod. “Can you tell me what happened last night, Joe?”

“If we forgive their debt they will vote for us,” Joe said hoarsely. “They will love me and I will get to smell them. I will smell them all!”

“Joe, you must look at me,” Tony said.

“What do you smell like?” Joe asked, before lumbering over to the pod and lunging at it.

“Joe, please get off the pod!” Tony said as the President began to inhale deeply. Tony’s face was lit with deep reds and blues as status lights blinked helplessly.

“You smell like pumpkins,” Joe growled.

An audio alarm began to cycle. FOREIGN INSERTION DETECTED the suit said crisply.

“Joe, you are blocking the exhaust port!” Tony said. “Gott im Himmel!”

“YOO-HOO!” Hunter called, stepping into the room from the patio.

“Oh, God,” Finnegan said.

“Mama Jill!” Hunter said and hugged her before she could back away. He lingered, his hands slithering down to cup her buttocks until she could finally push him away.

“What did you do?” Finnegan demanded.

“Whatever do you mean, dear daughter?” Hunter asked innocently.

“Grandpa! What did you give him?” Finnegan asked. “He’s trying to fuck Tony’s isolation pod!”

“Oh, just a little coke,” Hunter said lightly.

“You gave him cocaine?!?” Dr. Jill screeched.

“And a little molly,” Hunter said with a crooked smile.

“MDMA?” Tony’s speaker boomed.

“Just a little bit!” Hunter said as Joe and Tony toppled to the floor.