Previously on “The Secret History of Vermont”

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Chapter 3: Corn, Taxes, and Maple Syrup

Vermont is unique among the states in that it has two completely independent State governments. The first, known as the Vermont State Government, has no bureaucrats, has levied no taxes, and is of the opinion that it isn’t the government’s place to go around telling people what to do. It has the highest approval ratings of any governmental organization in the observed universe. The other is known as the Montpelier Legislature whose motto is, “Pass six unenforceable regulations before breakfast.” Perhaps a few examples will help illustrate how the Montpelier Legislature operates:

  1. Every year the Montpelier Legislature looks at the State’s demographics and says, “Wow! Look at all these poor people! We must raise their taxes so we can give them more public assistance!” and every year the citizens revise their books so that their tax bill is about the same, or a little less. After 200 years of this Vermont now boasts the highest tax rates and lowest tax income of any state of the Union.
  2. Because it is a major cause of pain and suffering the Montpelier Legislature occasionally proposes a bill outlawing Death and is puzzled each time when the idea is solidly rejected by the citizens. This is because the citizens have seen that Death is practically the only way a member of the Montpelier Legislature can be persuaded to give up his or her seat

During the right time of year a visitor to Vermont cannot help but to be astonished at the amount of acreage devoted to growing corn. A simple calculation shows that during its 15 day growing season Vermont grows enough corn to feed all of Asia and Africa for several years. Where does all this corn go?

Some of it is fed to cows. Cows are no longer legal tender but cows give milk that can be made into Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream which is legal tender in most parts of the world. Some of the corn is converted into whisky most of which is discretely exported to foreign places like Kentucky and Tennessee. A very small amount of the corn is sold to tourists in quaint little roadside concessions usually consisting of a card table and a cardboard sign that says, “SWEET CORN $1/doz”. This is done only to make people overlook the primary use of the corn, which is making corn syrup.

When the Montpelier Legislature, during a travel junket outside of Montpelier, saw Vermont corn fields for the first time its reaction was, “Wow! Look at all this corn! We must tax it so we can create a Department of Corn Management!” Incredibly, instead of storing corn over the winter for VDCM inspectors to find and add to the State Corn List, Vermont farmers figured out a way to hide it instead. What they do is render it down into corn syrup, which is mostly sugar; pump it into maple trees in the fall, pump it out again in the spring, all nicely maple flavored; and boil it down into maple syrup, which isn’t taxed and used to be legal tender.

The idea that maple trees somehow make sugar water inside themselves is an ancient fiction created for the occasional Montpelier Legislature member who, during a travel junket outside of Montpelier, wonders where maple syrup comes from.