Kung Fu Wonder Child

As usual, classy foreign movie poster provided.

Kung Fu Wonder Child

How do I best describe this.  How about… Wizards!  Zombies with families! Women cosplaying as men! Psychotic color schemes!  Soul stealing sorcerers! HUGE eighties hairdos! Home made skeletons! Silver skulls! Hand-animated dragons! Naked buttock injuries!

“What the whaaaa?”  This dude is in the movie, and he STILL can’t believe all the crazy stuff going on!

Wait, what?

There are a lot of naked booties in this movie.  Not sure why.  Besides that, this movie is a fantastic example of crazy kung fu sword and sorcery movies.  This one comes from Taiwan. And you are not hallucinating, the boy wonder child is a girl.  It is Hsiao Lao Lan, who did this kind of cosplay in a couple more movies (Child of Peach, Magic of Spell).  If they are anything like this one, I definitely want to see them later.  I did find the full movies on YouTube and provided links above – caveat emptor on transfer quality.  Hsiao Lao Lin was also in a version of The Iceman Cometh from 1989 which is something I recognize.

Note:  When I found this, I also saw that a Samo Hung movie, Filthy Guy was added.  Yes!  Coming soon.

In case you weren’t entirely sure, this movie was made in 1986.  I feel like I can tell when a movie was made around the mid to late eighties. The music is syntho-riffic and the opening titles feel like a music video.

So what are you in for tonight, other than a series of exclamation points from me? Well, you can try to pay attention to the plot, which is a kind of whodunnit of sorcery as a troupe of kung fu students try to discover who the evil wizard is who trapped people’s souls in jars. Or you could just stare in disbelief.  Whatever you do, I can tell you that the action starts at the thirty second mark.  There is zero time spent on excess exposition.  This plays out like a comic book.

So watch!  Or don’t!  Everything is voluntary until some crap-sack wizard mugs you and locks your soul in a jar!

Next week, we go light and easy with If You Don’t Stop it, You’ll Go Blind! Naked 1970s  people tell jokes!

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About The Author

R.J.

Hello. My name is R.J. I am a Tulpa with extra cheese and sour cream.

80 Comments

  1. Common Tater

    *hits play*

  2. Common Tater

    This movie is on archive org. Dubbed, no subs.

    • R.J.

      Sounds like a swinger ad:
      “Dubbed, no subs!”

  3. Common Tater

    hopping vampires?

    • R.J.

      That too.

  4. R.J.

    Tonight’s turnout reminds me of a joke:
    A man moved to the country on ten acres. A week later, a car comes up the drive. An old hillbilly gets out, an introduces himself as his new neighbor.
    They get along well, and after a few hours, the hillbilly invites the man over to a party next Saturday, saying “It’ll be a great shindig! Drinking, singing, dancing, fighting and fucking!”
    The man thought for a minute and said “ Sounds good! How many people are coming?”
    The hillbilly replied “Oh, just you and me.”

    • Brochettaward

      First is the loneliest number.

      • R.J.

        Sure is. Welcome to the party!

  5. Ted S.

    Speaking of 80s movies with synth-heavy scores, I just watched the Dutch horror movie The Lift.

    The algorithm suggested something that might be more up your alley, although I haven’t watched it yet: Killer Sofa.

    • R.J.

      There is a killer car movie from the early 2000s, I think. I am trying to remember the name. The car ran on blood (or maybe ate people), and it was a horror comedy. Remembering the title and finding it is tonight’s obsession.

      • Ted S.

        The only thing 9 can think of is Death Car on the Freeway, but that’s a late 70s TV movie. It does seem to be available on YouTube, however.

      • Sean

        Blood car.
        Blood drive (series).
        Something else?

        • R.J.

          It was something like blood car.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      For God’s Sake, Take the Stairs!

  6. whiz

    Next week, we go light and easy with If You Don’t Stop it, You’ll Go Blind!

    OMG, I remember seeing that in the theater when it first came out.

    Naked 1970s people tell bad jokes! FTFY

    • R.J.

      It holds up. It is posted as part of the “can they make it today” ongoing conversation.

  7. Brochettaward

    John Boyega wants back into Star Wars. I remember him saying he wasn’t going to let them Disney+ him.

    I guess They Cloned Tyrone doesn’t pay as well as the Mouse.

    Oddest thing he ever claimed is that they gave Daisy Ridley’s character “nuance.” She had a lot of screentime, but they sure as shit didn’t give her any material to work with. I actually kind of feel bad for her because she will be defined by that role and was never given a chance to succeed. I don’t think she has a single memorable line as the star of three different movies.

    • R.J.

      Disney won’t be paying for anything new soon. I expect another $200 million in losses by Christmas, making a tidy $1 billion. New production will cease. Thankfully.

      • Brochettaward

        Disney going out of business completely will make me happy.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      I feel bad for Boyega, since they took his potentially interesting character in VII and completely fucked him over in VIII. I mean, not only did they turn him into a coward, they made him a love interest for Rose Tico.

  8. Rebel Scum

    Liberty Titties: DOJ Goes After Ammo Theft Victim

    US gov’t is assho.

    Women cosplaying as men!

    These days it is the reverse and it ain’t cosplay.

    Naked buttock injuries!

    Life is a pain in the ass sometimes.

  9. The Bearded Hobbit

    In the weird coincidence department;

    I was getting some new glasses yesterday with the brand “catamount”. The tech wondered aloud what a catamount was and I told her and remarked that that animal was the only one that I know of that has four “official” names:
    Cougar
    Puma
    Mountain Lion
    Catamount

    Later that day I was driving home after dark and saw a cougar/puma/etc beside the road. It was the first time that I had seen one in probably twenty years.

    Are there any other animals that have that many identifications?

    • creech

      You forgot the Nittany Lion, an apex predator that curiously succumbs whenever it tries to eat buckeyes.

      • hayeksplosives

        LOL.

        Good show.

    • creech

      “Painter” is another mountain lion name.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Also Florida panther.

      Regular panther (leopard, jaguar) is close.

  10. PutridMeat

    Hsiao Lao Lan

    She looks a little bit like the actress from “tiger crane fist thingy” (at least in that IMDB photo) or whatever the movie was that “Kung Pow Enter the Fi(r)st” used for the their footage. But the timing is a bit off, that was 10 years before this.

  11. Common Tater

    This is a Chinese after school special on massive amounts of LSD.

    • rhywun

      massive amounts of LSD

      Oof old times, some fun, some of which I do not want to revisit.

        • rhywun

          Did not and bookmarked, thank u.

        • rhywun

          PS. I will try again to post my favorite 1999 link, maybe the squirrels are off their game.

          Support for the fact that “story arcs” and “plots” didn’t really matter so much back then.

          • R.J.

            That’s a nice writeup on a cool series. There were some wild monsters on a few.

            • rhywun

              I’m amused that the original play order made no sense whatsoever. Like, dead characters reappear later and shit. Different times.

      • DrOtto

        I actually have hit hidden away that a friend gave me. Not sure if/when I’ll take it. Any idea how well it ages?

        • rhywun

          LOL no idea at all.

          Every hit that landed in my fingers went immediately into my mouth.

        • Common Tater

          I’d do a web search. I’m sure several chemistry geeks on erowid or whatever have answered that before.

        • KSuellington

          If it’s a blotter hit they definitely lose potency with time. Depending on how it’s stored will determine how long it lasts, heat, humidity and UV are its enemies. Ideally store in freezer in tin foil or air tight container. After 2-3 years it will lose potency, after 5 it’s a piece of paper with a design.

  12. DrOtto

    Well, I’m now the (proud?) owner of a 1983 Jaguar XJS. While it is a beautiful car, it hasn’t ran in 30 years, so I’ve got that going for me. My dad spent considerable $ on it last year at an Independent Jaguar mechanic and he couldn’t get it to go. But I’ve got both pluck and moxie in my corner.

    • Common Tater

      Go you!

      Although if a Jaguar mechanic couldn’t get it going sounds like an oddly troubling problem.

      • DrOtto

        I suspect/hope he was a child brought up on OBDII only and isn’t familiar with older early fuel injection systems and actually having to diagnose without a scanner. Having owned other cars of that period including a ’77 Cadillac with port fuel injection and a port fuel injected Dodge Omni GLH, I’m hoping my trouble shooting skills are a little better. Of course, it could be Lucas electronics conspiring against everyone.

        • Common Tater

          Sounds like it turns over but doesn’t start? Figure out what it doesn’t do and go from there.

          • DrOtto

            Yeah, crank, no start. Getting spark but not fuel injector pulse, but pressure to the rail.

        • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

          I used to know a great Jag shop, but it seems the website doesn’t exist anymore. Weird.

          In any case, you are going down the same path my brother went down once, only that was a ’78. And scanner kids are lame. With Lucas, as I found out with brit bikes, it is usually a ground issue. On the really old stuff that came from using shellac as an insulator.

          • DrOtto

            Lucas, racing at the speed of dark!

    • Lord John Nerfherder

      I’ll say a prayer for you(r wallet).

      But very cool

      • R.J.

        Sprinkle some holy water on the Jaaaaaaaag.

    • MikeS

      And you’re a doctor!

    • Sean

      We demand pics! And an article!

  13. Lord John Nerfherder

    You had me at naked buttock injuries.

  14. hayeksplosives

    Not into Kung Fu, but I’m totally in to Father Brown mysteries!

    A new season (2023) popped up on Brit Box and I am binge watching.

    Current episode has recurring character master thief (naturally a gentleman) Hercule Flambeau. He’s supposed to be French but is played by John Light, who could not be more British. Also supposed to be a master of disguise, but not with that jawline.

    Also also, would.

    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/478648266642550651/

    • rhywun

      Love the scroll down for more pretty boys LOL.

      • hayeksplosives

        Ya gotta admit, there are some hotties on there.

        John Light is ideal. Great actor; fairly short in height but makes up for it in presence.

        • rhywun

          Don’t know his acting but he is rather stern looking. There is definitely prettier down-page.

          • hayeksplosives

            Ah, well. I dare say that you and I have different types!!

    • MikeS

      I love that Father Brown series. Will have to re-up my Britbox for some binge watching. Thanks for the heads up!

      • hayeksplosives

        Of course, they ran out of GK Chesterton stories a few seasons ago, so these new episodes are hit-or-miss, depending on director/writer.

        Still, I love the characters.

        I wonder if they renewed Sister Boniface also?

    • Gustave Lytton

      I like the Kenneth More version.

    • one true athena

      mmm not bad. I could watch him on the tv (I don’t think I’ve seen him in anything though)

      so I scrolled down to that “you might also like” and wow, people are terrible at tagging. Just in general, but in specific there’s a picture of Christian Bale with his wife, and both caption and tag (of the original pinner) say she’s Anne Hathaway. I can see not knowing who she is, but she’s very obviously not Anne Hathaway. lol

    • Lackadaisical

      I love father Brown. That’s my jam. I had no they were still making series.

      I’ve also never subscribed to Britbox

  15. Brochettaward

    FOR WHOM THE FIRST TOLLS

    • MikeS

      IT TOLLS FOR ME

    • dbleagle

      McNamara and his cronies have unwashable blood on their hands from Project 100,000. As a 2LT I actually had a rare survivor in my infantry company. All he did was CQ every other day since he could not be trusted with more. He was a nice man but genuinely borderline retarded. How he survived VTN is a mystery to me.

      • Lord John Nerfherder

        The stories I’ve heard about that are chilling. Squads putting them on point do they would get shot, sending them to “look for that sniper in the tree over there”, etc…

        It’s also why I don’t believe the KIA numbers from Vietnam. It has to be higher.

    • rhywun

      Interesting read. I agree that focusing on racial divisiveness and on klimate klaptrap are disasters in the making.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean! 🥱☕

      • robodruid

        Good Morning. GT & Sean (et al), hope its a quiet day for everyone.

        • Gender Traitor

          Good morning, ‘bodru! Should be quiet at work today – just need to cover a few morning gotta-do’s for Reliable Co-Worker, then keep plodding through the Board meeting minutes. How about you?

          • robodruid

            Packing/purging and working at the same time.

          • Grosspatzer

            Bored meeting minutes, amirite?

  16. Gustave Lytton

    It’s 4:30 in the morning, you’re in a hotel not a bar. STFU assholes and use your indoor voices.

    • Grosspatzer

      Be vewy vewy quiet…

      • Gustave Lytton

        I may have been an asshole just now that let my alarm ring while glibbing.

  17. Grosspatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    Company holiday today, I plan to do nothing and like it.

    Local DPW showed up yesterday to clear the debris in the stream at the rear of my property. Mrs. Patzer found rhe right words to cut through the bureaucratic BS. She said “handicapped”, “flood”, “trapped”. They heard “lawsuit” and the entire department was in my backyard.

    • Grosspatzer

      Any “missions” to deal with the residentially challenged? I hear there is some work to be done on that front.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Hah! Not in 9th Circusland. That is the domain of grift.

        Just about every other jurisdiction has a simple trespass letter of consent program but P-town has an elaborate program that has been suspended and under review for 5 years.