“MCCARTNEY!” Fetterlump cried as he burst into The Oval Office. He stood, hunched, underbite jutting, his misshapen potato face contorted with grief.

From his life support office chair, Joe snored.

“What?” Finnegan asked Hunter in a loud stage whisper.

“I dunno. McCarthy, I guess?” Hunter whispered back. “I have no idea why that’s got him so upset.”

Fetterlump groaned and held the sides of his head. He made a few gurgling noises that were a distant kin to speech, his face purple and red from the strain.

“He’s going to blow!” Hunter said, pulling his daughter back from the beast.

“Urk, urk,” croaked the creature, his throat bulging grotesquely.

“We can’t let him die in here!” Finnegan said.

Fetterlump clawed at his throat, digging deep furrows that welled with dark blood. Joe snored.

“Grandpa really should be wearing his CPAP,” Finnegan said marmishly.

“One thing at a time, man,” Hunter said.

Fetterlump, doubled over, hitched twice and vomited, a pale lump of bloody flesh plopping on the floor.

“Jesus Fucknuts Christ!” Hunter yelled, pointing at the pulsating mass on the floor.

“No!’” the Lump screamed in a tiny voice. “Pick me up, you idiot! Pick me up!”

Finnegan moaned in incomprehensible terror as the blind Lump extended a pseudopod toward her.

Fetterman reached for the Lump as it continued to berate him. “No! Over here! To the left! No, your left!”, it said, guiding him by sensing his body heat.

“MOTHERFUCKER!” the Secret Service agent on the door yelled, staggering into The Oval Office, holding his bloody hand out before him. Commander hip-checked his knee as he ran into the room.

“Commander!” Finnegan screamed. “SIT!”

Commander ignored her to growl at the Lump, his hackles at full mast. He barked twice and ran to the other side of Fetterman to bark again.

“Hurry up!” the Lump squealed. “I’m getting covered in carpet fuzz! I can feel myself getting dumber!”

Commander dashed between the bloodied nails of Fetterman’s hands and bit into Lump. Its high-pitched scream of rabbit terror liquified Finnegan’s guts.

“Muhine!” Fetterman grunted, fending off the German Shepherd with one hand and trying to pull the Lump away from him at the same time. Commander growled, a deep bass note. He let the Lump go, and then lunged to chomp into it again.

“Commander! Leave it!” Hunter ordered.

Commander began to shake his head, worrying out a gobbet of Lumpflesh.

“Commander! Leave it!’ Hunter said. He pulled Cracky out of his jockstrap and threw it at the dog. Commander yelped as the hunk of crack smashed in his nose and let go of Lump, confused.

“Hurry, you moron!” Lump yelled as Fetterman stuffed it into his mouth.

Commander whined and backed into the Secret Service agent who he had bitten. The man was able to grab his leash and begin pulling him out of The Oval Office.

“No chewing!” Lump screeched from inside Fetterman’s mouth.