The Hat and The Hair 47: Episode 38

by | Dec 3, 2025 | Sugarverse, The Hat and The Hair 47 | 95 comments

“It looks like…” the hat began.

“Don’t say it,” the hair growled.

“That you were having…”

“Don’t.”

“A bad hair day.”

The hair launched himself at the hat, screeching in rage, sweeping him off the desk. They landed in a squirming ball on the floor, howling, biting, kicking.

Barron stepped over the hat and hair lying on the floor and touched his sleeping father on the arm. “Father, you must wake. There is a great disturbance in the land.”

“He was fine, smelled like those kebab carts around the city,” Donald mumbled as he sat up.

“Who, Father?”

“The new mayor of New York, fucking commie, but he seemed nice enough.”

“Yes, many women in the city love him, Father,” Barron said. “He disgusts me. I don’t trust him. I’ll be spending more time in Florida at my alligator ranch.”

“Florida, I love Florida. It’s a proper state, not like New York with that horrible hag in charge. Hand me my hair son, and my hat.”

Barron picked them up from the floor with cautious reverence. “Why were they on the floor, Father?”

“They were fighting,’ Donald said.

Barron had learned to ignore these sort of things. They were harmless ideas.

“I prefer you bald, Father,” Barron said, handing them over, “You look powerful. Smooth and powerful.”

“I need my hair,” Donald said, settling the toupee on his head. “And my hat, of course. Have to include him, or he gets jealous.”

“I might even winter in Florida,” Barron said, “if you agree.”

“That’s sound tremendous,” Donald said, put his hat on over his squirming hair when Barron looked away.

“All the girls at NYU are liberals,” Barron said, “I should have never gone there. They eat soup with their hands now to honor Mamdani. It’s vile, Father, vile.”

“Maybe find yourself a nice Florida girl,” Donald said. “They know how to treat a man.”

“No, not those,” Donald said. “Get you one of the ones that know how to fish.”

“I don’t much care for boats,” Barron said.

“Or an Alligator Girl that can work on the ranch with you.”

“Florida is the best state there is, full of Trump energy, full of Real Americans That Love America. Nice weather too. I love hurricanes, they free up a lot of real estate you can buy up on the cheap,” Donald said, leaning back in his chair.

“I could become a Florida Man, Father,” Barron said. “I have the strength. I can feel it in me.”

“DeSantis has promised me that he isn’t going to take many New York refugees from the city when they try to move down there to flee Mamadobby.”

“I’ve read about then new Florida citizenship requirements, Father,” Barron said. “I can wrestle ten alligators, I can find five illegals to deport, I can help cleanse Miami of metrosexuals.”

“I loved Miami Vice,” Donald said. “It was very classy. Did you see the episode with Phil Collins? Just tremendous.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

95 Comments

  1. DEG

    “I’ve read about then new Florida citizenship requirements, Father,” Barron said. “I can wrestle ten alligators, I can find five illegals to deport, I can help cleanse Miami of metrosexuals.”

    Florida is looking up.

    • Threedoor

      Cubans hardest hit.
      Axe stock plummets.

  2. Not Adahn

    The hair launched himself at the hat, screeching in rage, sweeping him off the desk. They landed in a squirming ball on the floor, howling, biting, kicking.

    I have questions.

    • SugarFree

      Learn anatomy, loser.

      • Not Adahn

        We have pictures — videos even! — showing teeth. Tha Hat in particular has got a couple of hippo tusks.

      • CPRM

        A tooth.

  3. kinnath

    I look forward to President Barron Trump.

      • Bobarian LMD

        You’ll think it’s funny, until he puts on the SwampTrout suit and becomes God-Emperor of Florida.

    • Evan from Evansville

      That’d be tricky. Women would be hormonally *driven* to Barron. He’s pure 6-6-6 and, dammit, also a very handsome young man. Strapping. Much more swoon than that short, twinky brown dude. In the pussy field, Barron ain’t barren.

      The AWFL’s WannaFud Realm will clash with their anti-Trump religion. The internal apostasy will bring much internal conflict, and were someone to take advantage, romance novel sales will also soon. ‘Tame the Barron’ becomes a ‘new’ genre.
      *twiddles fingers*

  4. ron73440

    Barron picked them up from the floor with cautious reverence. “Why were they on the floor, Father?”

    “They were fighting,’ Donald said.

    Barron had learned to ignore these sort of things. They were harmless ideas.

    I’m surprised they don’t see Barron as worthy to talk to.

    • Not Adahn

      Barron must remain untouched until the time comes.

      • juris imprudent

        “Father, the sleeper has awoken.”

    • Tonio

      It doesn’t seem like they control who can hear them. Some people can hear them, and others can’t. It’s one of the enduring mysteries of the Sugarverse.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    They eat soup with their hands now to honor Mamdani.

    That sounds about right.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Nice weather too. I love hurricanes, they free up a lot of real estate you can buy up on the cheap

    He’s so transactional.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    “I’ve read about then new Florida citizenship requirements, Father,” Barron said. “I can wrestle ten alligators, I can find five illegals to deport, I can help cleanse Miami of metrosexuals.”

    Don’t forget the giant invasive snakes.

  8. Drake

    The episode with Phil Collins was awesome.

    • Not Adahn

      I have difficulty thinking that Trump would consider boat shoes without socks to be classy. Or suits not only without ties, but without collars. I can totally see him vibing on the pastels though.

      • Fourscore

        The Trumpster doesn’t need any buttons on his suits. He’s lucky in that respect

    • Grummun

      In The Air Tonight was fucking everywhere, though. Ugh.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        You’re saying it was in the air?

      • SugarFree

        Tonight? Oh, no.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Big drum solo incoming!

  9. The Other Kevin

    Alligator Girl is just a side boob away from being the next Glibs meme.

    So close.

      • kinnath

        Some cleavage anyway

      • The Other Kevin

        Maybe the good stuff is on her OnlyFans.

      • Threedoor

        I googled ‘aligator girl’ which was a mistake.

        I found the right one but I found some very wrong ones as well.

      • juris imprudent

        Wait until she shows you her death roll. Make that stripper this morning look like an amateur.

      • R C Dean

        “some very wrong ones as well”

        Morning Glory Alligator Ranch?

  10. Threedoor

    Sugarfree is what my morning needed.

  11. Aloysious

    ” I can help cleanse Miami of metrosexuals”

    ZARDOZ IS PLEASED WITH CLEANSING.

  12. Aloysious

    Those four Florida girls look like they would burn my house down.

      • Aloysious

        barf

      • Not Adahn

        “Shelby finds a feminist book that makes her realize the girlshave been objectified by men. Meanwhile, Jayla starts working at Barnacles and turns the bar into a borderline strip club.”

        “Tired of Erica’s mooching, Shelby gives her an ultimatum-and then discovers why Erica is such a mess.Meanwhile, Kaitlin and Jayla try to fix a broken boat and broken relationships.”

      • (((Jarflax

        What language is that Not Adahn? It has a lot of words that look like English

  13. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    I suppose Lobster Girl is too old for him now.

  14. Spudalicious

    SugarFree is feeling his oats today. And by oats, I mean…

  15. Mad Scientist

    SugarFree is the Irish in my coffee. The poop knife that butters my bread.

    • Threedoor

      I figured out my extra wiring from yesterday.

      Damn fool routed the domelight through the computer. WHY dodge/freightliner/benz? Why?

      I can piggyback voltage from the wire that is turned on by the computer to the dome light for each door light, I was hoping to be able to do one door at a time but that’s not going to happen.

      The door chime is integrated into the dash cluster and it’s also the low air warning alert so I can not remove it. I’m not sure what wire turns it on from the computer either yet.

      I will add a switch to disable the dome lights/door chime as I’ll have the doors open on the job site to play music while I do my work setup. I want the door lights as it will add a little bit of visibility if I’m parked along the road or on the job.

      • Mad Scientist

        Congrats!

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Don’t use a poop knife where you eat.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    According to our model…

    A landmark 2024 study on the global economic costs of climate change was retracted from the Nature journal on Wednesday after criticism of incorrect data.

    The report – titled “The economic commitment of climate change” – was originally published on April 17, 2024, by a team from the Potsdam Institute for Climate Impact Research (PIK).

    The researchers said the key findings from the study are unaffected, arguing that the economic damage from climate change by 2050 will be far higher than costs of climate adaptation measures.

    ——-

    Annual global climate damage by the middle of the century is predicted to be five times greater than the cost of limiting global warming to 2 degrees Celsius, rather than six times greater as previously calculated.

    The fact remains. Global warming will kill us all if you don’t do exactly as we say.

    • SarumanTheWoefullyIgnorant

      A guess based on a premise based on a hypothesis based on a belief that only a return to the Garden, as garden grower, will heal the Earth.

      • UnCivilServant

        Or, more accurately, a lie born of an inherent desire to control and eliminate the human.

    • Threedoor

      May a carrington event send them (us) back to the stone age.

      There are real problems that can happen and none of them are global warming.

      • Grummun

        Whoa there buddy, I don’t want to lose my Steam library. Beyond that, okay, stone knives and bear skins.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Fat tax

    France already imposes extra registration taxes on cars that weigh in at more than 1,600kg. Currently, this means a €10 (£9) penalty for every extra kilogramme. The penalty increases in bands, reaching €30 per kg above 2,100kg.

    While it only applies to a relatively small proportion of current models – and electric vehicles are excluded – it can add up to €70,000 to the cost of buying a new car.

    T&E argues that a similar levy should be introduced in the UK. According to Tim Dexter, “At the moment the UK is a tax haven for these large vehicles… We know the impact they are having on the road, on communities, potentially on individuals. It’s only fair they should be paying a bit more.”

    Cars are too big and heavy. They’re destroying our quaint charming cities. We must guide the rabble to better choices.

    • UnCivilServant

      The correct answer is to repeal the French levy and string up anyone in favor of it.

    • Threedoor

      Stay in the pod.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Large gas cars already pay more because they use more gas and therefore pay more in gas taxes. EVs should be made to pay a weight tax if we want to collect money for roads.

      • DEG

        Some states sortof do that.

        In NH, the state registration fee for passenger vehicles is weight based. There are three or four weight based buckets. Your fee is based on what bucket you are in.

        The municipal registration fee, which not all municipalities charge, for passenger vehicles is based on a combination of weight, value, and age.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Here in KY, Hybrids and EVs pay a flat fee at registration ($75 Hybrid/$150 EV) every year to make up for missed gas taxes.

    • Dr Mossy Lawn

      The added wear of a 2,100kg. vs a 1,600kg vehicle is miniscule.. show your work. Weathering and age is a higher problem for regular vehicles.

      The real wear on roads is at the HGV level (Euro for Semi truck)… at the 80,000 lb limit (or 20,000 per axle) The research has shown an exponential (^3?) wear at or above that limit, which is why we have the extra weight permits.

      https://www.gao.gov/products/109954

      In the North East USA we should have that data.. what are the cost of the “parkways” vs the “interstates” where Semi’s are not allowed on the parkways (ny, NJ CT)… They last longer.. but not 10X longer. and I have seen terrible weight related problems on I95 in CT.

      • Threedoor

        Studded tires are far more damaging than trucks.

        Trucks also pay weight mile for registration at the end of every year.

    • kinnath

      Cities laid out in the horse and buggy days to have problems accommodating large automobiles.

    • Not Adahn

      I saw a recent video of ostensibly heterosexual men enjoying driving a 2CV.

    • Nephilium

      It’s a good thing batteries are lighter than a tank of gas, right?

    • Grummun

      Well if we had hovercars, like we were told we would, then we wouldn’t need to maintain roads.

      • Grummun

        I mean, the Martians had it figured out in 1912, I don’t know what the hold up is.

      • UnCivilServant

        Their design uses Rare Mars Minerals which don’t exist on Earth.

      • (((Jarflax

        So time to invade Mars is what I hear you saying.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of European vehicle taxes and the irrationality thereof: I was watching something and they were talking about the new Renault 5 electric car. Somebody said what would really be awesome would be if they also made an internal combustion version. But it was then pointed out that the EU hates internal combustion engines and imposes taxes which would more than double the price. Big wide heavy electric cars are better than small nimble gas sipping ones.

  19. Sensei

    Crucial is shutting down — because Micron wants to sell its RAM and SSDs to AI companies instead

    https://www.theverge.com/news/837594/crucial-ram-ssd-micron-ai

    “Now, there’s going to be one less brand selling consumer-focused memory for PCs, potentially intensifying the global memory shortage.”

    How about, “no”. It’s a commodity product and they are not selling direct to consumers anymore. The amount of supply will remain unconstrained and direct consumer PC use is really small. Still it may tighten the consumer market temporarily. I have it in my rig as it’s basically consistent “mid tier” memory. I run at DDR5 6000. It won’t overclock the way the the Asian memory does, but it’s also not junk like some of the Asian memory either.

    • Not Adahn

      Ditto Samsung turning down a memory order from… Samsung. But at least this shows those companies also realize that this demand isn’t sustainable and worth expanding over.

      We will be in interesting times when AI Bubble goes Pop.

      • R.J.

        This is a repeat of the tech bubble years ago. Tech bubble will pop, real estate will follow.

      • Threedoor

        II don’t think the farm found property bubble will pop.

        It’s $5000+ an acre in my area I’ve been funding my retirement heavily the last 8 years. Hoping to transition into farm ground in the next couple.

        With the inflation in the last five years I’ll not be able to retire or buy investment t property I can pass on to my kids.

        I’m pretty sour about that.

  20. Not Adahn

    Realtedish, there was a report of a USSS officer sexually assaulting one of Kammie’s aides. I was relieved it wasn’t Astrid.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Murdering the planet, one Biden rule at a time

    Environmentalists decried the decision.

    “In one stroke Trump is worsening three of our nation’s most vexing problems: the thirst for oil, high gas pump costs and global warming,” said Dan Becker, director of the Safe Climate Transport Campaign for the Center for Biological Diversity.

    “Trump’s action will feed America’s destructive use of oil, while hamstringing us in the green tech race against Chinese and other foreign carmakers,” Becker said.

    Trump has repeatedly pledged to end what he falsely calls an EV “mandate,” referring incorrectly to Democratic President Joe Biden’s target that half of all new vehicle sales be electric by 2030. EVs accounted for about 8% of new vehicle sales in the United States in 2024, according to Cox Automotive.

    No federal policy has required auto companies to sell EVs, although California and other states have imposed rules requiring that all new passenger vehicles sold in the state be zero-emission by 2035. Trump and congressional Republicans blocked the California law earlier this year.

    Rolling back the absurd CAFE requirements which made EV production a practical necessity. But there was no specific “mandate” so Trump is lying.

    • rhywun

      hamstringing us in the green tech race against Chinese and other foreign carmakers

      Heaven’s to Betsy no. Not that.

    • rhywun

      thirst for oil

      I wonder if they believe the batteries they like so much just fall out of the sky. And rare-earths just pop out of the dirt ready for us to use.

    • Threedoor

      CAFE needs to be eliminated and banned.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Under Biden, automakers were required to average about 50 miles (81 kilometers) per gallon of gas for passenger cars by 2031, compared with about 39 miles (63 kilometers) per gallon today.

    In completely unrelated news, American auto manufacturers have effectively stopped making passenger cars.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Mileage rules have been implemented since the 1970s energy crisis, and over time, automakers have gradually increased their vehicles’ average efficiency.

    Fortunately, the cost of marginal improvements has not changed since 1972. the manufacturers are whining about nothing.

    • Sensei

      Not that I’m advocating it, but just tax gasoline at crazy levels and let people decide what kind of fuel economy they want.

      Instead we play these games with EV tax rebates and CAFE.

      • R.J.

        If we want treat gas mileage and cheap cars:
        Repeal all the stupid safety mandates. And engineering mandates. Etc… Just let automakers build cars again.

      • R.J.

        Treat=great.
        Ban Apple autocorrect as well!

      • Bobarian LMD

        The American car Pick-up and SUV industry would implode in about 6 months.

      • Mad Scientist

        …and let people decide…

        There’s zero incentive for a politician to keep his nose out of your business.

      • Threedoor

        Eliminate IFTA and let the states compete for fuel tax dollars.

        Gas taxes will drop.

    • rhywun

      A crisis that was driven entirely by politics. Funny, that.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    tax gasoline at crazy levels and let people decide what kind of fuel economy they want.

    As the Europeans have done for decades.

    • Threedoor

      The trains don’t pencil out by themselves.

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