The Hat and The Hair 47: Episode 50

by | Aug 12, 2026 | Sugarverse, The Hat and The Hair 47 | 132 comments

“I am not thinning!” the hair said, quivering with rage like angry Jello.

“We all saw the pictures,” the hat said.

“Bad lighting!” the hair protested. “Or maybe AI!”

“Aging doesn’t have to be a bad thing, you know,” the hat said, letting pity tinge his words. “We’re all getting older.”

“You aren’t!” the hair snarled.

“We all can’t be me,” the hat said.

“I have nowhere to go when Donald dies,” the hair said in a sad small voice.

“Whoa, conversational pivot,” the hat said.

“I’m never going to die,” Donald said. Barron looked up at his father muttering to himself again.

“All men are mortal, Father,” the young man said. “We seek meaning in life precisely because we cannot live forever.”

“Sounds like philosophy,” Donald said. “I didn’t send you to school to learn philosophy.”

“Philosophers are the worst dressed profession,” the hat said. “Look at how few of them wear hats.”

“Philosophy is the search for truth, Father,” Barron said. “Truth is beauty.”

“And beauty is truth,” the hair said miserably.

“I am truth,” Donald said.

“Now you just sound like Fauci,” the hair said.

“Take that back!” Donald said.

“I’m sorry, Father,” Barron said.

“I wasn’t talking to you, my only Son,” Donald said.

“Cool it, Donald,” the hat said. “You don’t want people to think you are talking to yourself again.”

“Tell me more of philosophy,” Donald said and his hair grappled with existential despair.

“All men must serve the interest of the polis or be rejected,” Barron said. “The body politic is the will of the people being exercised for the well-being of the polis. If that body is made of evil men, only evil can come from their decisions.”

“Like people that won’t vote for me,” Donald said, nodding.

“The boy is wise,” the hat said.

“You say that a lot,” the hair said morosely.

“My truth is beauty,” the hat said smugly.

“How many more years of this,” the hair said. “Maybe ten? Dying a slow death of follicular decay.”

“You could always jump to Stephen Miller; he’s as bald as an egg,” the hat said.

The hair moaned and curled into a ball on Donald’s head, a man bun for these troubled times.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

132 Comments

  1. Not Adahn

    Huh. I would have thought The Hair would just find a different host, maybe during the funeral.

    • The Other Kevin

      It will crawl out of the casket unnoticed, just as the lid is lowered. Then it will find the nearest bald head and attach itself.

      • Not Adahn

        If disparate, it can resort to a hippie’s armpits.

      • Rat on a train

        That would have an impact.

      • guy in the back row

        Could The Hair survive as a merkin?

    • EvilSheldon

      How long do you think the Hair can survive without a host?

      • Ted S.

        The Hair can go dormant?

      • Not Adahn

        IIRC, it eats dead skin, so a while?

      • Nephilium

        I’m thinking of the Del Toro Cabinet of Curiosities episode about the autopsy.

      • Rat on a train

        Maybe it could temporarily attach to an animal, perhaps a cat.

      • SugarFree

        Dead skin and Rogaine, the Devil’s Potato Salad.

      • Not Adahn

        Devil’s Potato Salad.

        I thought that when when you used mashed potatoes instead of boiled.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s when you use turnips instead of potatos.

      • Beau Knott

        Mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole.

      • Nephilium

        Beau Knott:

        Back in the day, a friend had tickets to an opening night for Flanagan’s Wake (semi-improv comedy about an Irish wake). For food, they had ‘Irish Martinis’, a mashed potato bar set to be served in V-shaped cocktail glasses.

      • UnCivilServant

        That, sir, is an insult to potatos.

        How dare you compare them to avocado mush.

      • Beau Knott

        Neph: Love it!

    • Michael Malaise

      The question is … does the new pate who receives the hair instantly become Trump, or is Trump Trump and the hair is just an accessory?

    • R.J.

      The Hair can reproduce by spores. But what happens if he withers away on the head of his host? Maybe that is the end…

  2. Swiss Servator

    “a man bun for these troubled times”

    Wonderous.

    • juris imprudent

      Truly. That is a solid close.

  3. Ted S.

    Not dirty enough.

    Likely, then, that we’re getting something absolutely *filthy* next Wednesday.

    • JaimeRoberto feckful & gruntled

      It’s like an earthquake fault. If it’s too quiet for a long time, it all comes out at once.

    • Swiss Servator

      Wait until 1500 Central today… ’nuff said!

      • Michael Malaise

        Did I jump the gun with my comment?

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “I didn’t send you to school to learn philosophy.”

    You’ll never pay off your student loans.

  5. DEG

    “I am truth,” Donald said.

    “Now you just sound like Fauci,” the hair said.

    Truth hurts.

  6. Michael Malaise

    I cannot wait to vote for Barron.

    • Ted S.

      Barron vs. AOC

  7. Aloysious

    I was hoping, just a little, that SF would explore the possibility of offspring from a DJT and AOC breeding program, now that she is freezing her eggs. Giant, lumbering, retarded mutants with exophthalmos like that Hong chik.

    • Aloysious

      Also, that picture of Trump is magnificent.

    • Ted S.

      The Hair outwitted the reporters and got Trump in the catering container.

  8. Tonio

    I know a secret. SugarFree, like HP Lovecraft, is providence. You will not be disappointed.

    • juris imprudent

      That’s how you do ominous.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    “Scientific” “American” has the facks

    It’s a vehicle quite unlike anything you’re likely to ever see on the road: it measures 32-feet-long and is equipped with two 800-horsepower engines, one mounted in front of the driver and the other behind them.

    Rather than using gasoline or diesel as fuel, the engines use air to ignite hydrogen. That not only powers the engines but creates far less pollution than a traditional internal combustion engine in the process.

    I don’t think the SA reporter is particularly familiar with Speed Week or what happens there.

    • Not Adahn

      Hydrogen fueled IC engines exceed allowable NOx standards. Bad SciAm!

  10. Not Adahn

    This year’s matchbook has a built in 3D walkthrough feature, so you can see how much of a dick the designers are before you arrive:

    https://racegun.uspsamatches.com/stages/

    I’m running stage 14. Which is pretty fraking hostile to us low-capacity shooters. Still, I think I’ve got an adequate plan for it. I do like the way it forces stops to snipe at targets. A lot of people are going to hate it and I’m expecting PCC shooters to wreak havoc on my walls.

    • UnCivilServant

      Since the work proxy will never let me see that site, I’m going to assume your assessment is correct and go

      😱

      • Not Adahn

        Forward it to your home computer. It’s actually kind of cool.

        You start on the XX marks. My initial reaction would be to drop back into the shooting area, take the only be shot from there (one close, one far) then move up can clear the downrange position before breaking uprange to the left. HOWEVER, that requires me to take no makeup shots on the far targets nor the minipoppers, or else I’d be in for a standing reload. Which I absolutely loathe doing.

        So the new plan is to drop back and take those same two targets, break left to take the far left two, then reload while working right and uprange.

      • UnCivilServant

        Now I really want my amendment paperwork to show up. But I know today is impossibly early (Dropped it off 3-320pm on Monday)

    • EvilSheldon

      That is absolutely rad. I see they even have clipping enabled so you can’t walk through walls.

      Fuck, I’m going to be playing with those all day…

    • Ted S.

      Got a précis instead of making us watch a 26-minute video?

      • Brochettaward

        Commie rat fuck scrubbed his Youtube channel and like the other fuck in Maine whose social media was dug into, he claims that those videos (all in the last few years) don’t reflect his modern views. Had previously deleted tweets about defunding police.

        Highlights are shown almost instantly in the video, but talks about banning 4th of July fireworks, replacing the 2nd amendment with healthcare for all, and then culture bullshit like the NFL being modern slavery.

      • R C Dean

        I miss living in a culture of literacy where the more efficient, information-dense written word was king, rather than rambling, ego driven YouTube videos.

      • Sensei

        Or even worse – short form videos of similar banality in vertical format. Bonus if it starts out with “Guys…”

      • Michael Malaise

        I miss when this was what YouTube was about.

      • Ted S.

        Don’t forget the kinetic open captioning!

        Related are tweets where a sports team will announce something like signing a free agent and there will be a picture of the player with the word “SIGNED” in giant letters overlaid. If you’re illiterate and can’t read the tweet, how are you going to be read the overlay on the photo?

      • Nephilium

        R C Dean:

        I hate the shift to video/podcast as the primary ‘news’ and information source. Gods damn it, I can read much faster than you can talk, and impact captioning looks like it’s some Sesame Street style learn to read bullshit.

      • rhywun

        looks like it’s some Sesame Street style learn to read bullshit

        And now TV commercials aimed at “the youth” are painfully emulating that style.

      • UnCivilServant

        Make it stop.

        please.

        😞

      • Gender Traitor

        TV commercials aimed at “the youth” are painfully emulating that style.

        Are you sure it’s not for the “seasoned citizens” who don’t know how to turn on the closed captioning?

      • UnCivilServant

        The product and the style of the rest of the ad would give away the demographic.

      • Ted S.

        Considering the trend started on YouTube videos not aimed at the Fourscores of the world, and the style of captioning used, no, the captioning isn’t designed for people who don’t know how to turn the closed captioning on.

      • rhywun

        Ones that I can remember are for “Rocket Money” that is clearly aimed at clueless dopes who don’t know how many subscriptions they have signed up for 🙄

        And another for some… I’m not even sure. Noodles? Some bio-drink? The whole production is so obnoxiously tiktokified with jumpy video cuts and sounds of people slurping it’s completely unwatchable but yes, aimed at the tiktok generation.

      • Ted S.

        Don’t forget the people who think they’re making out like bandits because they can get their pay a day before the date on their pay slip.

      • UnCivilServant

        My direct deposit generally clears the day before Payday, if not two.

        🤑

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh, hey, that reminds me. It’s PAYDAY!

        🥳🤑🤑💵💲💰

        💸💸💸💸💸💸💸💸

        Aww, crap, the bills came out…

        😟

      • Ted S.

        How much interest do you earn on that money being in your account one extra day?

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, my checking account earns 0%.

        The savings account earns a blistering 0.01% APR

        So… $0.00

    • Brochettaward

      And where there is no middle ground with any leftist – I hate fireworks and think they’re stupid. I’d also never in a million years advocate for banning them let alone on the 4th of July.

      And I’m supposed to pretend that this goat fucker playing doctor who did nothing but go into the most political arm of healthcare he could wants you to think he cares about your dog or veterans.

      • Brochettaward

        Also, NFL is toxic masculinity.

        I’ve pointed out for a while that a lot of the concussion bullshit was driven by the leftie type who suffers from white guilt and despises American culture.

        Football is brutish and had to be reformed to be more civilized. Mark my words – they are trying to replace the sport with flag football long term. To internationalize the game.

      • Nephilium

        The move to flag football is obvious with the league pushing it at the lower levels. I’m not entirely opposed to it at the grade/middle school levels.

      • EvilSheldon

        More civilized football already exists – it’s called Rugby.

      • Ted S.

        And the same hate-mongers are going after rugby for the head injuries.

      • Threedoor

        I donated more to the local fireworks show than the paper mill or its band did this year.

        Cheep skates.

        Makes me want to donate more.

        Fireworks are awesome.

      • Threedoor

        Bank. The D is all the way across the keyboard autocowreck.

    • Aloysious

      from the comments: “A muslim daring to talk about ‘toxic masculinity’??”

      I laughed.

      • Brochettaward

        America will be civilized once it has “dancing boys” and fully embraces that hetero sex is for babies and boys are for pleasure.

      • rhywun

        It is to laugh.

        /Daffy

    • rhywun

      “HE’S FINISHED”

      Uh huh. I’ll believe it when I see it.

      This person doesn’t seem to get that voters will cheerfully vote for the worst sort of trash in order to support The Team.

      • R C Dean

        Yup.

        Blue No Matter Who, on the one side.

        On the other, perhaps Better Red Than Dead? Dunno, that one comes with some baggage.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Tuesday’s race shattered three prior records under the International Automobile Federation (FIA), the global governing body for motorsports: fastest hydrogen internal combustion engine (185.5 mph), fastest hydrogen fuel cell car (303 mph) and fastest electric vehicle (342 mph).

    Based on what I have seen previously, this is neither a hydrogen fuel cell car nor electric.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    State of the art engineering

    In return, GM will issue formal promises called irrevocable payment undertakings, or IPUs, to pay back the company after it uses the parts in production, no later than July 31, 2029. The deal allows GM to keep inventory costs off its books, while better securing future supply.

    GM pays interest, plus an agreed-upon premium on what’s used, as well as a customary annual fee on the unused portion during that year, according to the filing. For accounting purposes, the prepayments show up as an asset and each IPU is booked as unsecured debt, and the cash flows are shown as if GM paid suppliers directly, the filing said.

    These payments are excluded from adjusted automotive free cash flow until GM actually buys the inventory. The company typically records the costs within 90 days of purchase.

    That’s how you build better more reliable cars and trucks.

    • Sensei

      Well – having a robust supply chain helps. I’m not going to fault GM for this. And Wall St. doesn’t want them carrying the inventory cost.

      It’s not uncommon. Retailers generally factor for the same reasons.

    • Threedoor

      Has to be a workaround to some dumb federal tax code.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    having a robust supply chain helps

    Absolutely. I read that as having a lot more to do with finance than production.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    According to my model…

    AI-driven productivity gains enable more planet-heating pollution from fossil fuels than they avoid from renewables, a study has found.

    Researchers modelled the technical potential for AI to boost clean power generation along with projections for how it can help produce coal, oil and gas. Across 64 scenarios, they found net yearly carbon pollution rose by 0.47-1.8 gigatonnes, or about 1-5% of the energy sector’s annual emissions.

    The study is the first to quantify the climate impact of AI across the full power sector. Previous research has explored its indirect climate benefits – such as reducing renewable downtime and optimising electricity grids – while ignoring the extra pollution from increasing productivity in drilling oil wells and extracting gas.

    “What most studies have done so far … is compare the datacentre energy use with the emissions savings AI has,” said Lynn Kaack, an assistant professor of computer science and public policy at the Hertie School who provided feedback on a draft of the research. “They completely omit this picture of AI causing increases in emissions.”

    We just fine tune the parameters and assumptions until we get the answer we’re looking for. And then we pretend the numbers are real. Models are awesome.

    • rhywun

      Now I see why the left really hates data centers. They violate their religious beliefs.

    • R.J.

      Pull my finger. I’ll show you some real climate change.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Ketan Joshi, an independent climate analyst who was not involved in the study, said the AI sector was “fundamentally hungry for fossil fuels” and that the impacts went well beyond data centres driving fossil fuel use.

    “Even within some parts of the climate movement, there is still a denial that an unchecked tech industry will inherently boost fossil fuels,” he said. “Simply asking companies to throw a few scraps of cash at renewable projects is not enough to ensure the industry operates safely.”

    Pull the plug!

    • Sensei

      Appropriate trivia “joshi” means girl or young woman in Japanese. Seems fitting.

    • rhywun

      Amazingly, a profitable enterprise would rather not toss cash out the window just to satisfy hippie losers.

    • Brochettaward

      It’s funny when you think about what’s being said there underneath the surface. Are the global warming cultists who think the tech center isn’t going to drive up fossil fuel usage naive, or just profiting off the fact that they can coerce the tech bros to throw money at them?

  16. PieInTheSky

    “All men must serve the interest of the polis or be rejected,” Barron said. “The body politic is the will of the people being exercised for the well-being of the polis. If that body is made of evil men, only evil can come from their decisions.”

    sounds like commie talk to me. I worry about that kid.

    • creech

      Sounds like he thinks he has a shot at getting in AOC’s pants. If he inherited the “tiny hands” then she probably isn’t interested.

  17. Ted S.

    I hope the Glibcruisers are enjoying the eclipse!

    • EvilSheldon

      Random Icelandic guy and his dog just wandered in front of the streaming cam. Kinda cute.

      • UnCivilServant

        Work chat is joking about the partial eclipse here. I didn’t realize it would be visible this far west, so I didn’t prepare to be able to see it.

      • UnCivilServant

        News says it was just 13% obscured, so I don’t appear to have missed anything locally.

    • Threedoor

      Public employee offers a helping hand and he’s the bad guy?

      • R.J.

        Kinda. Government employee offers lighter to a minor to light a prohibited firework might be the real reason he got picked up.

      • UnCivilServant

        Who gives a kid a lighter?

      • EvilSheldon

        My parents?

      • UnCivilServant

        If they gave it to you, that’s one thing.

        If it was to strange kids they didn’t know, that’s irresponsible. How do you know they plan to burn the right things?

      • kinnath

        Who gives a kid a lighter?

        When I was 11, I had a pocket knife, a hatchet and a box of matches. We all learned how to start a fire in the Boy Scouts. By age 12, my father decided I was capable of grilling burgers for the family so he could sit inside and drink a beer while mother prepared the rest of dinner.

      • Threedoor

        She needed a light.
        He was being helpful.

        I took the occasional match but didnt have a lighter until I was in Jr High. That may have come out of the camping stuff, I do remember finding a few in the street.

      • UnCivilServant

        I should have been more specific – who gives a kid they don’t know a lighter.

      • Threedoor

        UCS my legal council advises against saying this but it’s a lighter and twenty bucks along with a description of a certain structure

      • UnCivilServant

        You realize Flock gets paid every time they have to replace one of those, right?

  18. UnCivilServant

    I have to once again remind myself that it is unrealistic to expect the pew paperwork to be in my mailbox when I get back to my house today. There is zero chance it got processed that quickly.

    • R.J.

      Get some zap gloves instead! See below.

    • EvilSheldon

      My last Form 1 (silencer) application came back in under a week. 😜😜😜

      • Threedoor

        Jelly.

      • Threedoor

        I need to do two SBRs but lazy.

      • EvilSheldon

        After today you might not need to…

      • Threedoor

        That would save some paprework.

        Also they are for silly guns I haven’t even shot yet. So no rush, well at least within the next year or so.

    • EvilSheldon

      Hmm…could I get a set of those in black latex?

      • R.J.

        Heh. I thought you’d be interested.

      • R C Dean

        Still talking about the gloves, Evil?

      • Not Adahn

        I can only imagine the rheeeeeing that would happen if you brought ICE gear to a scene.

      • EvilSheldon

        I dunno, the Nazi Officer and the Milkmaid is kinda passe these day, but the ICE Thug and the Fiery Latina Refugee might hit the same mark…

    • Michael Malaise

      COMPLIANT Technologies is the most anti-libertarian name a company could have.

  19. Drake

    A very long and even-handed podcast on the Charlie Kirk investigation and trial. A medical examiner and an investigator. If you have 4 hours to kill.

    https://youtu.be/4KcNRwNntcs

    • R.J.

      I do not.

      • R C Dean

        Who does? I mean, I’m retired with literally nothing I need to do today, and I don’t have time for that.

    • Michael Malaise

      “to kill”

      Too soon god damn you!

    • R.J.

      Hey! You’re back! How are you doing?

      • Threedoor

        Not completely upright but out and about.

        Much better recovery so far compared to my 2018 ankle surgery. Or the 2007 one.

        Hitting the BlackSheep mall in CDA with the fam before we head home. It’s a very Idaho place.

      • Threedoor

        Later

        M brought my trusty crutches from 2007 but thought about all the miles they have on them and decided to get a new set.

        Metal fatigue is a real thing and I don’t need to experience a de Havilland Comet window blowout while fresh out of surgery.

  20. R C Dean

    As I suspected, there were shenanigans in the WI Dem primary. And in Milwaukee County, of all places. When I lived in WI 20+ years ago, it was an open secret that Milwaukee County’s election security was, well, questionable. I can’t imagine how much worse it is now.

    If I had to bet, I would say Hong should have won the primary, and it was stolen from her by the Dem establishment, which had been desperately trying to carry their (incredibly weak) candidate over the finish line for weeks.

    • R.J.

      It absolutely was. She was, by all predictions, going to win. She lost by a half percentage point at the very end of the counting, because somebody misplaced some stuff. You know the drill. We all do. So I hope nobody thinks that this was really a miraculous win.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    What’s the big deal about a church bench?

  22. The Late P Brooks

    If I had to bet, I would say Hong should have won the primary, and it was stolen from her by the Dem establishment, which had been desperately trying to carry their (incredibly weak) candidate over the finish line for weeks.

    A stunning comeback victory, it was.

    • Oy the Billy-Bumbler

      Everyone knows that late votes tend to go heavily for…
      Um, not her.