Previously on “The Secret History of Vermont”

Introduction
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

Chapter 6: Vermont’s Finest Hour

It was a time of conflict. The long simmering issue of white, colored, and segregation had come to a point. Emotions were incandescent. Both sides believed in hearts that they were right. Families were divided and brother fought against brother. The State was on the verge of splitting into two. The debate over colored golf balls in Vermont made the American Civil War look like a playground squabble.

It is not well known that golf is the Vermont State Sport. Even the Town of Richford has a full-time golf course. Towns that can’t support a full-time golf course often have numerous part-time golf courses for that brief period of time between harvesting the hay on a field and the grass growing up again. Coordinating the harvesting in such Towns makes up a fair percentage of the Town Clerk’s summer job responsibilities. Really good Town Clerks arrange it so that you can play the first nine holes on a field that’s just getting too grown up and the second nine holes on a field that’s just been harvested with the tree line separating the two fields making a good obstacle. Such Clerks are in great demand and command high salaries and good benefits.

The popularity of golf in Vermont doesn’t get much media attention because the media tries hard not to be around during the time that most of the golf is played. When the media does happen to be around it sees men and women appropriately dressed for the course, golf carts, refreshing cool drinks, and the usual golf paraphernalia. In Vermont however you can only play golf like that for about 15 days each year. Most of the rest of the time the media would see men and women appropriately dressed for standing out in the middle of a snow-packed field with the temperature and wind solidifying everything in sight, snow shoes, snow mobiles, refreshing hot drinks, and the usual golf paraphernalia. If the media was persistent it would even see men and women appropriately dressed for wading through a large mud pit, amphibious ATV’s with multiple sets of balloon tires, very large amounts of refreshing alcoholic drinks, and the usual golf paraphernalia. Vermonters take their golf seriously. Little things like the ruts made by the skidder that was called out to pull the course Zamboni out of a sinkhole aren’t permitted to get in the way.

The Late Great Unpleasantness was brought about by the introduction of the fluorescent orange golf ball which substantially changed the character of winter golf. One side insisted that colored golf balls were a loathsome and whorish innovation of the Flatlanders and their introduction was a poisoned arrow aimed directly at the minds of the youthful and productive citizens of Vermont to weaken them and lead them astray from the path of independence and righteousness. The other side said, “Cool! All that and we can actually see the ball!” The conflict was immediate and shortly the golf courses segregated themselves into “White” and “Colored” to keep the number of fights down. The only people that each side hated worse than the other side was the very small faction that called for tolerance and peaceful co-existence.

Everyone was having a wonderful time when disaster struck. Someone accidentally mentioned the issue within earshot of a member of the Montpelier Legislature. The Legislature immediately put aside any potentially harmless work and concentrated for the remainder of the session on its then magnum opus: Act 4: A Series of Statues to Regulate and Normalize the Sport of Golf in Vermont. The high points of Act 4 included:

  1. The creation of a Department of Golf Management which was to be funded by a statewide golf course property tax.
  2. All greens fees were to be paid into a pool and distributed to the golf courses using an incomprehensible formula based on factors that had nothing to do with the economics of golf courses.
  3. Particular attention was paid to a large fund for the subsidy of the costs of playing golf for people who don’t want to play golf. (Anyone applying for such funds was to be refused by reason of being unqualified.)
  4. All carts, snowmobiles, and ATV’s used on golf courses required special registration, inspections, and licensing.
  5. Potential drivers of these vehicles were required to take a lengthy and expensive training course, located in an inconveniently remote Town, before they could qualify to take the test, located in a different but equally inconveniently remote Town, needed to get the endorsement to drive a golf vehicle.
  6. Each type of golf vehicle required its own endorsement.
  7. Colored golf balls were expressly prohibited except during hunting season when fluorescent orange golf balls were required.
  8. A special endorsement on the hunting license was required to play golf during hunting season.
  9. A familiarity of the Special Rules and Regulations Concerning Personal and Public Safety on the Golf Course had to be demonstrated throughout playing the game by reciting sections of the code before each stroke.
  10. The Department of Golf Management was authorized to deploy State Troopers to patrol the golf courses and write tickets for any infractions.
  11. As per their new designation as “Publicly managed private spaces”, smoking and alcoholic beverages on the golf course and in the country club were prohibited.

It is when Vermonters are faced with the intolerable that their best qualities shine forth. When Act 4 was signed into law the population of Vermont, in a gesture subsequently known as Vermont’s Finest Hour, quietly and democratically de-elected the entire Montpelier government. Some former members of the Montpelier Legislature were de-elected so hard they were never heard from or seen again. Others resurfaced north of the border where they spent their time in the smoke-filled back rooms of the Parti Quebecois headquarters dreaming of and elaborating on the post-separation plans of conquest.

Act 4 was repealed and forgotten. The only remnant is the tradition of crying “Four!” before a stroke.