“WAR!’ the hat yelled. “We gonna bomb those fuckers good!” “Do you have to be so bloodthirsty?" the hair asked. “Oh, here he goes. Mr. Peace. Mr. Don’t-Want-No-Trouble-Mister.” “Yeah, yeah.” “Bok-bok-bok,” the hat chickened. “I just don’t think we have any business in...
“Shake his hand, John,” Lump whispered. “We will need somewhere to go after the lunatics in the party drives us off.” “What if Gisele finds out?” John asked. “What, is she going to somehow hate you more?” The State of the Union scrum was loud and people surged around...
“Why did you let me get so drunk on that stuff?” the hair asked, miserable, perched on Donald’s shoulder like a parrot about to vomit. “I didn’t let you do anything,” the hat said. “I’m not your Cracky.” “I miss that guy,” the hair said. “We all miss that guy,” the...
Karine adjusts her pantyhose and fluffs up her hair. She is now ready for the carefully vetted studio audience. The moderator, finger lingering over the shock collar button, collars the entire audience had agreed to wear, readies themself to Piker anyone that goes off...
If you are on X and you aren't using this to troll Will Stancil, you need to get on-board the womp womp train. Since stories about me hurting myself are so popular... In 5th grade, a kid on the bus asked me for a piece of notebook paper. The loose piece in my backpack...
There lived in a town most hideousA man by the name of PhineasHis pheromones were so fearsomeThey drew all the ladies, even the winsomeTo accept the root and seed of PhineasWho was a loathsome man, so perfidiousHe left them gibbering and dumbAnd always, always quite...
Kentucky's War on VD: The God That Failed Just a damn fine book. It had been on my insanely long to-read list for a while now. The plot works at breakneck speed and Chesterton wields alliteration like a weapon. You see how it was an inspiration for so many later...
“I have brought peace to the Middle East,” Donald said. “I have healed a rift and led Jews and Palestinians to the Promised Land.” “Hallelujah!” the hat said jubilantly. “Preach Brother Donald!” “I will win the Nobel Peace Prize!” Donald exulted. “Um…” the hair began....
Shocking.
Dream a little dream…
Want?
“My Presidential Library is going to be so classy,” Donald said, “just the classist." “But it’s in Florida,” the hair said. “Florida loves Donald,” the hat said. “Where else should he have it?” “Uh, New York City? His hometown.” “Nah, fuck that shithole. They can rot...
There is something almost comforting that Mandy has always been and still is an offensive idiot. Like the changing of the seasons: you might not know when winter comes, but you know it will. When will Mandy reveal herself to be a deluded asshole again? Soon. She is...
“I know they broke the escalators on purpose,” the hat spat. “The building is a dump, a dump,” Donald said. “I could have made it beautiful, just so classy.” “Those waterheads were lucky you even bothered to talk to them,” the hat said. “Can you guys keep it down?”...
The Dream Is Never Over
Tick Tock
So, I do enjoy writing my Wednesday noon satire shorts, but damn it is difficult when shit likes this is the reality: Straight from Kamala's book. I mean, how can I, a simple monger of filth, compete with this? Also, you daffy dumb bitch, you should have stayed in...
Epstein didn’t mole himself.
Books by women: And the kicker: By the way: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/123852869-morning-glory-milking-farmViolet is a typical, down-on-her-luck millennial: mid-twenties, over-educated and drowning in debt, on the verge of moving into her parent’s basement....
“Now no one can ever burn an American flag again!” Donald said as he signed the Executive Order with a flourish. “Womp womp,” the hat said. “It will never stand up in court,” the hair said. “Not the point,” the hat said, “It’s to get commie fuckos to start burning the...
Does the perfect metaphor exist? Obama Center subcontractor files $40M discrimination lawsuit against engineering firm for overruns A Chicago-based subcontractor is suing one of the firms involved in managing the construction of the Obama Presidential...
“Bear witness!” the hat said grandly as Donald opened the vault. “Yay, a bunch of hats,’ the hair said with all the enthusiasm of roadkill. “Be ye not afraid!” the hat said to the assembled world leaders. They all ignored him. “BE YE NOT AFRAID!” the hat said....
Wherein Donald Trump forces THE RESISTANCE to pretend there is no crime in D.C.I Walked Through Trump’s D.C. Hellscape. It’s Now Clear What Exactly the Feds Are Doing Here. Bewildered by the sudden influx of armed and armored agents swarming my hometown, on Tuesday...
Scripted.
A stunning blizzard of non sequiturs, lies, excuses and equivocations. Never change, New Republic.DOGE’s “Big Balls” Was Beaten Up—and Musk Is Already Lying About It The billionaire claimed that Coristine heroically stopped “a gang of about a dozen young men” from...